Save your life by not being perfect, sometimes

Please read it and give it a though. if you live theough BPD abuse it might be helpfull, give it a chance even it's not in your principles. hope you'll not miss my train of thoughts, i would definetely sound more clear in Ukrainian, haha. but here we go

This more of a motivational speach based on my progress with analyzing how did up end up so low half a yeara post-divorce. It is obvious still hard to grasp, because I always was like that. And change yourself in 30 is not easy.And why you need to stop if you can relate to my experience. so ready to measy longread of raw emotions and same concept from million angles.

boundaries is easy to say, hard to get how to set it. and you know, it requires taking responsibility for “not right” actions sometimes 

if you ask typical sticky BPD partner from this sub posts to go away in a kind way, would they leave you alone?

"kind person is someone who kind to themself, for other - if you feel like it. if you only kind toward others it is your complexes, not kindnes" Thanks to my psychiatrist for this words, it chganged a lot

you don't need to be perfect, perfect person is a perfect victim.

in my previous post i saw that one thing that was downwoted is story that i unblock my ex to say her mean and offencive words 5 month post-divorce. and want to elaborate why you should also change your view on that. i hope it might find someone to cut endless stream of toxicity in your life, that is why i want to double down on it. i should not be perfect around strangers from reddit, even if i sympatizze them because we all share same problems.

Yes i unblock my ex couple of months after divorce to say that she can go fuck yourself and greedy bitch. you can find it gross stupid or anything but not everyone is like you. people a different. My mistake was that i apply applied my morels to ather when judjed their actions. But it big mistake in a way that people will use it for their benefit, they'll make you guilty for anything and you'll end up in a situation like mine when i was hopless in dead marriage.

Why i did this? because i get tired of being "higher than that" for 30 years and i understand that THIS is the problem. yes, it is a problem, it's rather a flaw in society full of different people.

But you dont need to match someones expectation so you feel validated, you can clean up your own surrounding by being the one who set the standards for others. you'll be much better embracing it then let other use your insecurity to be in your life for decades. It is your life, YOU ARE GOOD PERSON, unconditionally, you already proved it all. so let yourself be the source of yourv alidation as a worth human being, why others will do it better, you know it all better then they. everyone focused on themself and try to achieve their own goals, they are not judges to your sould.

You need to defend yourself, and it should not feels good. but unless you set your boundaries, and take full responsibility for being mean(for a reasson) to people who don't even think twice to did the same to you. Who will apreciate that you a better by not insulting someone in response for their being rude? it's a victim position, in which there are no benefits except it does not require you to take responsibilities for your action. being the one who is kind to themself and defend their own wellbeing does.

I never felt unconditionaly that i'm a worth and good person. it came from childhood for sure with socialy isolated parents who both struggles with alcohol addction. and and often changing kindegarden and schools where i was not accepted well sometimes. i always tried to act polite, nice, altruistic never offend anyone because i don't want to be a bad person. i always wanted to hel. and here i'am 30 YO with damaged mental health taking AAD drugs. Being somehow better by not acting mean don't make your life easieer it will attrack bad beople that will drain you till the can't anymore.

So i end up tolerating anything from friends, family, partners which results in me looking for social aproval to feel like i'm worth person. but you know what? I am a worth person, you are worth person, it's you who need to set standarts that people should match to be part of your life. You can act rude, because it the best way to get rid of toxic people. if you'll ask kindly to not disturb they'll pop up again and again knowing that you can forgive anything.

And yes, nevermind how bad it sounds and gonna feel(because yo u always act nice) you are completely can be rude and mean and send million fucks to someone who is abusing your weaknes with social aproval. i surrounded myself with toxicity and negative by "being above" when people was mean or jelous for something and forgiving without even actual forgive i end up in that position.

Good people in your life won't judge you for that, if they will you need to think twice if they are readlly good.

And despite i divorced my BPD partner i will find my next nightmare somewhere, being it friend or partner but while you trying to validate yourself by acting in the right way, other will use it and suck out life from you.

It's more complex as it sounds, you think that you may recognize red flags and etc now having experieence. but if you still have this flaw it you can be tricked in any sort of manipulative relationsips again. if someone acting nice on public and mean to you in private they'll use it as a shield since you dont want to feel bad by being mean to someone for no reason. But you're grown up, you are good person and as a good person, who did a lot of great things you can decide how to act and not feel bad for it.

Also you don't need to keep you image for friends and parents by not admitting your mistake with your partner. You don't need to defend it. I knmow it's common reason to stay in relationsips no matter what aswell. it is not the greatest feeling ever to explain every one one by one that you're divorcing. but you don't need to tell everything. say as much as you comfortable. How many people in your life chasing same standarrds in communication as you, if you're prone to the same thing as me? Even if you find some of their actions weird or hard to understand are you going to cut them off, considering generaly they're great people. No, so you'll wont be isolated for just finish your marriage/relationsips without any stron reason.

It's also something in common. you want to have a 100% reason to leavee so you can argument it. will it change anything? you are worthy person, and not feeling like you want to continue this partnership anhymore is enough. no matter what other want. It is yyour life, don't waste your life being someones tool in life.

BPD partners do not love you in common sense, they dont want you to feel good. they have their own goals, and you'll be manipulated like a tool box. since you have a great interface which calls "i'm higher thatn that". they'll abuse it by making you feel bad for their fuck ups till the end of your day if you won't stop it. Yes you can find understanding in this subreddit, but no one in your real life will apreciate or feel your struggle since they don't know what unbelievalble leve of misery it can bring.

i did not know the life can be that bad till now. was it worth it to be kind to other, did they really cared? No, it's your responsibility, i would like i had this mindset 4 yuears ago, my life would be better neverless i won't be that good guy in my each action.

I understand that if i continue to be generaly people pleaser i will struggle with it all my life, or i will never cut relationsip with BPD person by myself.

I need to accept that sometimes i can be not perfect if i have a reason. Just come one, BPD people abused you as they want as long as they want, why you cant defend yourself?

And it probably common thing to people with similar flaws like me to end up being surrounded by mix of people and part of that mix can be quite desctructive for your well being. If you dont want to eat constant insults, please be ready take responsibility for situation and try to defend yourself by being bad for some time. it does not mean that you a bad person now. i believe that you're good unconditionally and you should. if i could did it 4 years ago and i treated myself like a worthy person by default i would cut my horrible marriage before it even started.

Do you have a lot respect to people pleasers, like me, or you(if you can relate) that generaly can be treated like shit. i do not think so, might be copassion. bu you wanted prove yours elf that you're strong and good and better while alowing it all.

It is not that easy to offend someone actually if you not used to it. When you offecnd someone it's responsibility for taking an action. when you're "higher that that" all the time you'll end being insulted and complaining on this sub like i did all the time and eventually try to find a comfort in a victim position. Brain adapt to anything - if you afraid to defend, you'll find yourself being a ofended one. It can sound like a good position "they treated me bad for no reason, look i did not desserve it" which also happened to me. But nobody would care about how much you can forgive, understand, accept and etc. in best case you'll find compassion, but do you want to be the one who everyone is sory about? This is bad personal goal to be nice no mater how bad they treat you.

No one would appreciate it, they don't care. there are definetely good people in your life but they'll understand if you'll try defend yourself against mean people. If they judge you without even asking about your reasons, might be it is not the good people in your life. no one should judge you without asking what is background of your action, if they did it is better to cut it out. and you don't need to chase aprove in social network neither. i'm a god person but i would do it again if i move back to that day, I'd still unblock my ex and say to go fuck herself again.

why? i need to learn how to be kind to me, or she'll pop up begging for money during your whole life from time to time. you can finish it all by show that you don't want to see them in your life by being mean.

So the fact that everyone is reacting positive when people complain to each others to find support and reacting negative for someone being mean to abuser at least once shows that not only i are so insecure about what other thinks and. validation. but your life is the most important thing that you have, do not waste it being someomes caregiver for no actual reason. No matter how helpless and non fuctional you BPD partner is once you'll say: "it's over, they'll go goon with their life, looking for next target while you'll be miserable.

i is not worth it, boundary souds easy to make, but hard to understand. boundaries it's not be the one who not the guilt part in bad situation. It's about preventing it to happen again in future.

Would your ex or current BPD dementor go away if you'll ask kindly?

you don't need to be perfect, perfect person is a perfect victim.