Safety, Attachment, and Self-Regulation
Tanya Pavlova @post_trevogaWe are not designed to be constantly relaxed, you know.
I’ve previously written about the theory of basic insecurity (Generalised unsafety theory of stress): link.
According to this theory, our default state is one of readiness to respond to danger. When we feel calm, it means our brain is actively suppressing this reaction.
Interestingly, this system is more energy-efficient and faster than if the body had to "activate" itself every time.
How do we learn safety and danger signals?
We learn to recognize safety and danger cues in childhood. This ability depends on both our nervous system type and, to a large extent, our relationship with caregivers—specifically, attachment.
We discussed the basics of attachment in detail with Emma Agasaryan here: link.
What is an "attachment state of mind," and how does it help manage stress?
An attachment state of mind is an internal sense that answers two key questions:
1️⃣ Can I expect help when I’m struggling?
2️⃣ Am I worthy of that help?
Research shows that our attachment representations are shaped in childhood and stay with us throughout life. They largely determine how we respond to stress and challenging situations (Bowlby, 1969/1982).
It’s as if we develop an internal “good parent” who soothes us in moments of doubt or worry.
How does attention help manage distress?
Our brain uses attention to regulate emotions. The interaction between a child and their caregiver plays a crucial role here.
One of the first emotion regulation techniques is the classic “look, a bird!” distraction.
When a child is upset, the caregiver soothes them and often redirects their attention to something pleasant—a toy, a smile, or an interesting activity. This helps the child switch their focus and cope with emotions. Over time, this builds the ability to regulate emotions through attentional flexibility (Harmon, Rothbart, & Posner, 1997).
This is not about avoiding pain or discomfort. A balanced caregiver doesn’t respond with, “Oh no, I’m so scared of your suffering, let’s just distract ourselves!”—though an anxious caregiver might.
The message here is: “Sweetheart, the world has both good and bad. There’s so much to focus on, and we can choose where to direct our attention.”
What activates the attachment system?
The attachment system activates when a person faces situations that provoke stress or fear (link):
- Unfamiliar environments (e.g., a new workplace or moving to a new city);
- Presence or absence of familiar people (feeling supported matters);
- Physical state (fatigue, hunger, pain, or cold);
- Other external threats in the environment (Harmon et al., 1997).
In these moments, we often start searching for a “mother figure.” If a person hasn’t developed an internal “good parent,” they might overly rely on others for reassurance or remain chronically unsettled.
How does this relate to self-regulation?
Attentional flexibility—the ability to focus on what’s important in the moment and shift between stimuli—is a key component of self-regulation. It helps maintain balance between emotions, thoughts, and actions (Harmon et al., 1997).
"Choking Under Pressure" in Sports and Competitions
The phenomenon of "choking under pressure" is well-known among athletes, especially in high-stakes situations where results matter. Why does this happen? Researchers have identified three main models explaining performance decline under stress (Beilock & Gray, 2007; Vickers & Williams, 2007):
1️⃣ The Self-Focus Model:
This model suggests that performance declines when an athlete focuses on their movements or internal processes that are normally automatic (e.g., technique or breathing). Overthinking these actions disrupts their natural flow, creating tension and leading to mistakes (Baumeister, 1984).
💡 Example: A soccer player overthinks their foot positioning during a penalty kick, loses confidence, and misses the shot.
2️⃣ The Distraction Model:
Here, pressure distracts attention away from the task. Athletes might start thinking about results, competitors, or how others perceive them instead of staying focused on the task at hand (Beilock & Carr, 2001).
💡 Example: A tennis player dwells on a previous lost set and makes a series of errors.
3️⃣ The Internal-External Focus Model:
Optimal performance requires attention to be directed externally, rather than internally. This external focus must also be task-relevant—for example, focusing on the ball, trajectory, or opponent’s movement, rather than on one’s own sensations or emotions (Wulf, McConnel, Gartner, & Schwartz, 2002).
💡 Example: A skier focusing on the turns of the course performs better than one overly preoccupied with their physical discomfort.
What if you haven’t developed an internal “good parent”?
You can grow and nurture this inner voice. Compassion-focused therapy (CFT) teaches how to speak to yourself kindly and provide the reassurance you need.
Stay tuned for more!