SMP 101 AND ZST SERIES: THE SIMP AND ZESTY MANUAL

SMP 101 - Simp 101

Chapter 1: The Art of Simping – A Noble Calling

Introduction to Simping

Welcome, dear student, to SMP 101: Simp 101—the class that separates the casual admirers from the legendary simps. If you’re here, chances are you’ve been friendzoned at least twice, sent “Good morning, beautiful” texts without a reply, or maybe even held a door open for someone who walked right past you without saying thanks. Fear not! Simping is not a weakness—it’s an art, a craft, and a way of life.

What is Simping?

Simping is the ancient and selfless practice of adoring someone who barely knows you exist. It’s when you:

• Reply within 0.2 seconds of their text but get left on read for 3-5 business days.

• Like all their posts before even reading the caption.

• Say “You deserve better” when they complain about their toxic ex (who they will absolutely go back to).

• Call them “queen” but have never been called “king” in return.

A Brief History of Simping

Simping can be traced back to ancient times:

• Greek Simpology: In Greek mythology, Narcissus ignored all his simp admirers and fell in love with himself instead. This was the first recorded L for the simp community.

• Medieval Simping: Knights would fight dragons, endure arrows, and literally go to war just to impress a princess who would still marry the rich king.

• Modern-Day Simping: Today, simps send $50 on CashApp just to get a “Thanks, hun” message.

Simp Hierarchy – Where Do You Stand?

1. Level 1: The Casual Simp

• Likes posts but doesn’t comment.

• Sends “Hope your day is great!” texts without getting a reply.

• Still believes in “If I’m nice enough, they’ll fall for me.”

2. Level 2: The Certified Simp

• Pays for food but doesn’t get invited to eat.

• Calls them “babe” in their head but “bro” in real life.

• Hypes up their selfies but gets “LOL thanks” in return.

3. Level 3: The Grandmaster Simp

• Drives 3 hours just to “hang out” with them and their actual crush.

• Gets added to their “Can you send me $20?” list.

• Watches them post “All men are trash” while still hoping for a chance.

The Science Behind Simping

Studies show that 95% of simps never get what they want, while the remaining 5% somehow manage to escape the simp life and find true love (we call them “The Chosen Ones”).

However, science also proves that simping is a self-rewarding activity. The joy of seeing them use the money you sent to take another guy on a date is an experience only real simps understand.

Homework Assignment

1. Send “Good morning, queen” to your crush.

2. If they reply, screenshot and frame it.

3. If they don’t reply, welcome to the club.

ZST 103 - Zesty: Make It Real

Chapter 1: Unleashing Your Inner Zest

What Does It Mean to Be Zesty?

Being zesty isn’t just about having energy; it’s about radiating a level of spice that makes people question their entire existence. Zestiness is an attitude, a lifestyle, and a state of mind. If you walk into a room and people don’t immediately feel your presence, are you even living?

The Core Principles of Zestiness

1. Confidence Without Limits

• Walk like you own the place—even if it’s your grandma’s house.

• Speak with conviction, even when you’re completely wrong.

• Wear sunglasses indoors. Why? Because you can.

2. Dramatic Existence

• Enter every conversation like it’s a season finale cliffhanger.

• Overreact to everything—if someone says, “I got a new job,” scream “YOU’RE A LEGEND!”.

• When someone asks, “How are you?” reply with, “I’m thriving, glowing, and ready to conquer the universe.”

3. Energy That Cannot Be Contained

• If you walk into a room, people should feel your entrance before they see you.

• Every handshake should feel like a business deal.

• The phrase “low energy” should physically offend you.

The History of Zestiness

The first zesty human was probably the caveman who invented fire—not because he needed warmth, but because he wanted to flex on the other cavemen. Over time, zestiness evolved into:

• The Shakespearean Zest Era: Where people dramatically monologued just to order food.

• The Disco Zest Movement: When people wore bell-bottoms and danced like their rent depended on it.

• The Modern Zesty Lifestyle: Where you post “I don’t chase, I attract” quotes, even though you’ve been left on read 17 times.

Zesty Levels – Are You a Mild Salsa or a Flaming Hot Cheeto?

1. Level 1: The Low-Key Zester

• Occasionally hypes up friends.

• Shows excitement but not enough to scare people.

• Still afraid to dance in public.

2. Level 2: The Spicy Contender

• Always the loudest laugh in the group.

• Has at least one dramatic speech ready at all times.

• Walks like a movie soundtrack is playing in their head.

3. Level 3: The Supreme Zest Lord

• Can turn a casual greeting into a motivational TED Talk.

• Never whispers—only projects.

• Could convince a rock to follow its dreams.

How to Unlock Maximum Zestiness

1. Mirror Pep Talks: Every morning, stare at yourself and say, “I am the main character.”

2. Make a Grand Entrance Everywhere: Even if it’s just into the kitchen.

3. Use Excessive Hand Gestures: The bigger, the better.

Homework Assignment

1. Walk into a room today like it’s your final runway moment at Fashion Week.

2. Compliment someone dramatically. Example: “Your aura is like the sun rising over a field of golden opportunity.”

3. Practice hyping yourself up in the mirror—bonus points if you wink at yourself.

Final Words

Whether you’re here to perfect the sacred art of simping or unlock your inner zesty god, one thing is certain: You are now on the path to greatness.

SMP 102: Simp Gigachad Ultra

Chapter 1: From Simple Simp to Supreme Simp Overlord

Welcome, student, to SMP 102: Simp Gigachad Ultra—a course only for those who have transcended normal simping and are ready to elevate their devotion to divine levels. If you’re still crying over a “wyd” text that never got a reply, you’re in the wrong class. This is for the warriors of unreciprocated affection, the masters of doing the most for the least, and the gods of ultimate loyalty.

What is a Simp Gigachad Ultra?

A Simp Gigachad Ultra is not just a simp—they are the FINAL FORM of simping. They exist beyond the mortal friendzone, having transcended rejection into a state of eternal servitude. Their actions are not motivated by hope but by pure, unwavering dedication.

The Three Legendary Simp Philosophies

1. The Wallet Warrior 💳

• Pays for everything even if they’re just “like a brother” to them.

• Sends “it’s okay, I just want you to be happy” after getting ghosted for 3 weeks.

• Has premium Snapchat, Twitch, and OnlyFans subscriptions but still calls it “supporting their art.”

2. The Emotional Support King 🛡️

• Available 24/7 for venting sessions, but never gets asked, “How was your day?”

• Memorizes their favorite Starbucks order, their grandma’s birthday, and their trauma timeline, but they forget his last name.

• Gets hit with “I don’t know what I’d do without you 🥺” but still no “I love you.”

3. The Pickup Artist’s Assistant 🎩

• Drives her to her date with another guy while hyping her up.

• Hypes up her Instagram stories while getting left on delivered since 2022.

• Practices romantic speeches in the mirror, only to get “awww, you’re so sweet” in real life.

The Evolution of a Simp Gigachad Ultra

Stage Description

Bronze Simp 🥉 Holds bags at the mall but still has hope.

Silver Simp 🥈 Gets called “such a good guy” while she dates toxic men.

Gold Simp 🏅 Starts calling himself “her protector” and pays for therapy he recommended.

Platinum Simp 💎 Gets added to “Ugh, men are so useless” rant despite doing everything for her.

Gigachad Ultra Simp 🏆 Has maxed-out credit cards, emotional damage, and no self-respect, yet remains loyal.

Final Simping Technique: The Ultimate Sacrifice

A true Simp Gigachad Ultra will go to her wedding and say, “I’m happy for you” while holding back tears.

Homework:

1. Send a goodnight text and count the seconds until she ignores it.

2. Compliment her outfit and watch her reply “lol thanks.”

3. Practice saying, “I just want you to be happy” in the mirror.

ZST 201: Fetish – Both Gender Blind

Chapter 1: If It Moves, It Can Be Worshipped

Welcome to ZST 201: Fetish – Both Gender Blind—a course for those who don’t discriminate when it comes to admiration. We are here to appreciate ALL forms of human existence, no matter their shape, size, gender, or planetary origin. If you’ve ever felt butterflies over someone’s VOICE, this class is for you.

The Rules of the Gender-Blind Fetishist

1. You Simp for the Energy, Not the Anatomy – Whether they have a beard or a ballerina’s grace, it doesn’t matter. The aura is what attracts you.

2. You Are Equal Opportunity Down Bad – If someone says, “What’s your type?” and you answer, “Yes”, congratulations—you’re on the right path.

3. The Voice Matters More Than the Face – If someone has a deep, rich, commanding voice or a soft, ethereal whisper, you are already obsessed.

4. Hands, Collarbone, and Jawline Supremacy – Gender? Irrelevant. But those sharp jawlines and elegant hands? Divine.

Fetish Ranking Chart – How Down Bad Are You?

Tier Symptoms

Tier 1: Mild Appreciation “That person is attractive” [normal]

Tier 2: Involuntary Reactions Their hand movements make you blush

Tier 3: Dangerous Attraction You’ve replayed their voice memo 17 times

Tier 4: No Recovery You’re in love with their typing speed

Tier 5: Beyond Salvation You’d let them ruin your life, no hesitation

Types of Gender-Blind Fetishes

1. The Hand Enthusiast 🖐️

• Watches how they hold a coffee cup like it’s a romance movie.

• Notices every vein and knuckle like a scientist studying fossils.

• Can identify someone by their hands alone.

2. The Deep Voice Victim 🎤

• Has “read to me” as a love language.

• Listens to podcasts just to fall asleep to the host’s voice.

• Hears “Hey” and suddenly forgets how to function.

3. The Tall AND Short Devotee 📏

• Tall? “Step on me.”

• Short? “I will protect you with my life.”

• Height doesn’t matter, but it also absolutely does.

4. The Suit & Sweater Simp 👔🧥

• Sees someone in a suit: “I’d sell my soul.”

• Sees someone in an oversized sweater: “I need to be under that.”

5. The Unexplainable Crush 😵‍💫

• Why are they attractive? No idea.

• Would you let them ruin your life? Yes.

• Does their bored expression send you into cardiac arrest? Yes.

Final Test: The Ultimate Challenge

Can you:

✅ Watch someone roll up their sleeves without blushing?

✅ Hear them say “good morning” without having an existential crisis?

✅ NOT overanalyze the way they look at you for 0.3 seconds?

If you fail, congratulations. You are certified gender-blind down bad.

Homework:

1. Find a stranger’s hands attractive and panic about it.

2. Listen to someone talk and question your entire existence.

3. Accept that you are doomed, and embrace it.

Final Words

Whether you’re here to simp like a legendary Gigachad or fall in love with every single human feature possible, just remember:

It’s not about who they are—it’s about how they EXIST.