Rules For Monogamish Relationships

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Rules For Monogamish Relationships


Fantasy Match / Blog / Monogamish Relationship And Rules vs Infidelity: The Difference
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The concept of monogamish has been already introduced in our article Dan Savage's Definition of Monogamish – And More . However the issue of difference between the meaning of monogamish and infidelity needs additional consideration. The attempt to answer this question encourages determining the features of monogamish relationships. Having identified their basic characteristics we shall be able to tell for sure what is NOT monogamish.
We’ve made our study based on the stories of monogamish couples that have already made their coming out. The couples sharing their monogamish cases are similar in their rules and features. These similarities gave us an opportunity to define the key features of monogamish relationships and their basic distinctions from infidelities.
Monogamish relationships assume that both partners are aware of the things happening and that the decision on contacting with the third parties has been made by mutual consent. If either of you has no idea of what the other has in his or her dreams and fantasies it means you are rather close to infidelity than monogamish: having the thoughts of other people circulating in your mind you still lack the courage to tell this to your partner. Communication in the underlying principle, the groundwork that the rest of monogamish relationship rules and features rely on.
It is the couple’ health and integrity that monogamish mates are primarily concerned about in establishing their own rules. And it’s not only about protection and regular tests. As opposed to selfie-sh followers of serial monogamy, monogamish couples often observe the rule of limiting the internet publicity of their affairs with the third persons. The image of strong and stable union is just the same important as each other’s health. That’s why the decision to tell the whole world or your close friends about your couple’s practicing non-monogamy is a major step that can be dared only in case it’s not detrimental to your relations. While the desire to conceal protected sex from your partner once again takes you closer to being infidel - or even promiscuous - in terms of the “monogamish – infidelity” scale.
Jealousy shall not vanish at the moment you both claim your relationships to be monogamish or set each other free to sex with other partners. Even if it’s been your joint decision, compersion is not the holy spirit to descend on you immediately. Many monogamish couples continue to feel jealousy on their road to building non-monogamous relationships. Being ready to challenges and not giving up at the first failed attempt yet proceeding the journey to their desired compersion – this is what comes to help.
Many monogamish followers say they have more than once left their zone of comfort after deciding to quit with monogamy. Every couple in the club used to have plenty of these moments. Going through uncustomary situations is a usual thing for a monogamish person.
However one must not confuse one’s own decision on taking a bold and non-traditional step with compelling one’s partner to do the same. Making a partner live with your decision is just the infamous violence that has nothing to do with monogamish (unless it is a part of your favorite thematic game, but then – well, you are thematic kinksters).
Coming out of comfort zone involves situations that the couples had no chance to prepare in advance. You are hardly able to anticipate everything that may occur on the way to monogamish. If you happen to catch your partner flirting with another one the decision on your reaction must be taken right away)). And situations like this shall be occurring in numbers. So mind that laying down new rules in the course of your monogamish life is something you’ll be doing rather often. Moreover, the rules adopted today might in two months appear irrelevant for your couple: it is a process of continuous transformation.
The above-listed features of monogamish relationships obviously leave space for variabilities and don’t ensure a clear picture of what further life should be.
Monogamish relationships don’t imply any ABC or ready-made guideline. But this is what makes them even more charming – the chance for the two to establish unique rules and rely on your own experience in choosing the way to satisfy both partners’ interests and wishes.
More about monogamish relationship in article " Monogamish Statistics and Expert Opinions ".

The term “monogamish” was coined by sex columnist and host of the Savage Lovecast, Dan Savage . He’s been doling out sex and relationship advice since 1991 and has been monogamishly married to his husband Terry Miller since 2005. The term describes a relationship in which a couple is wholly committed to each other spiritually, emotionally, and socially, but have the freedom to have sex with other people— as long as there are agreed upon ground rules.
Savage believes that monogamish relationships are not exclusive to homosexual couples. More and more straight people worldwide are enjoying the benefits of this arrangement.
Today, it is often said how millennials are hitting life ‘landmarks’ later in life — buying a home, getting married, having children, etc. Rather than subscribe to a timeline created and enforced by outdated societal norms, current and future generations are placing a far greater emphasis on the self. We are spending far more time and money on experiences than on tangible assets. While critics label this as lazy, egotistical, narcissistic, and entitled, I’m of the belief that we are on a constant quest of self-discovery, self-improvement, and ultimately— happiness. It might be narcissistic, but so what?
The monogamish relationship fits in nicely with this notion of living life by your own rules. It provides the emotional and practical stability associated with monogamy but also stresses the importance of sexual satisfaction.
“I acknowledge the advantages of monogamy,” Savage told New York Times reporter Mark Oppenheimer in 2011, “when it comes to sexual safety, infections, emotional safety, paternity assurances. But people in monogamous relationships have to be willing to meet me a quarter of the way and acknowledge the drawbacks of monogamy around boredom, despair, lack of variety, sexual death and being taken for granted.”
And that, really, is what it comes down to, isn’t it? It is not only unfair to expect complete fulfillment in all ways from one single human being for as long as you both shall live— It’s impractical and borderline irrational. This isn’t to say monogamy is wrong for all couples , or even for most couples. As long as both parties in a relationship are emotionally, spiritually, and sexually nourished, there is no problem.
The problem arrives with infidelity. How many marriages end in divorce as a result of a sneaky affair? How many families broken and lives ruined? Ultimately, a monogamish relationship may prove to be a means of placing higher value on the other, hopefully more plentiful and important facets of a relationship rather than the small puzzle piece of sexual exclusivity. A monogamish relationship could strengthen or even save an otherwise doomed couple.
As mentioned by the NYT , a 2001 article in The Journal of Family Psychology conservatively estimates that “between 20 and 25 percent of all Americans will have sex with someone other than their spouse while they are married.” Again, this is a conservative estimate. If a relationship is healthy and valuable in many other ways, might it not be easier to talk about monogamishness rather than exploding a relationship on account of (non-emotionally invested) infidelity?
Of course this could only be the case if the communication lines are fully open and boundaries are made clear by both parties . A monogamish relationship is not free reign to cheat on your partner, sexually or emotionally. Some monogamish couples only allow one night stands. Others give a once-a-year cheat day. Others still enact a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Just as with anything else in this world, there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Again — the trick is to outline clear rules in order ensure the needs of both parties are being met.
For many, a monogamish relationship allows an individual full expression and satisfaction without having to lie or cheat, all while remaining in a loving, long-term relationship. In other words, maybe you can have your cake and eat it too. Is that such a bad thing to want?



6 thoughts on “My Monogamish Relationship: A Divergent Path To Happy and Healthy Love”

Before I dish out sh*t I really want to talk about, I’d like to clear one thing up. Last week in my post, 4 Reasons I Started Myself Out Loud , I referenced going on a date with a girl though I was already in a committed relationship. While most people understood what that means for me and my partner, there was some confusion as to whether I was or am cheating. If you wondered that yourself, let me be clear. The answer is Hell No.
I love that guy. I love him with all of me. I love him more and more with each passing day. Our relationship may not be as typical and out of the box as others but what we have is something I am beyond grateful for. It took a lot of work to get here.
We used to call ourselves “polyamorous” and then we just started saying “open”. Now that the newness of it has faded and we’re passed the more experimental stage, I’d call us Monogamish if I had to label it . Call it what you want, I think of it simply as our relationship.
We’ve grown more comfortable talking about it. We’ve warmed up to the fact that some people will form their opinion of us based on this. They’ll think we’re weird.. They’ll think we’re swingers.. They’ll think we’re doomed. Some people have taken the opposite perspective and told us this is just a phase – it will pass. Some people have flat out told us they don’t want this for us. Whatever the perspective, we’re ok with it.
But it didn’t use to be this way. Getting to the point of discussing what “open” means to us was challenging. We didn’t jump into this alternative relationship gung-ho, thinking we’re going to appear so cool, new age and progressive. It wasn’t a decision we made lightly. Becoming comfortable with all this was a long and arduous process. We even solicited the help of a therapist who specialized in open relationships. Thank goodness we did.
Curious to know more? Then I’ll start from the beginning.
Bisexual. Who doesn’t love a good label? The process of accepting my sexuality was a hard journey on its own. I’ll save that story for another time. What I will say is this. I had no idea what would surface when I opened up to my partner and a few close friends about this side of me. I thought that by saying out loud “Hey ya’ll, I like guys and gals” , it would be enough to set me free. In some ways, it was. But it also shed light on the fact that I had been living half a lie my whole life. And I didn’t just want to say “This is me”, I wanted to BE me.
All the years of my life I spent repressing myself and pretending to be fully heterosexual meant there was more inside me that wanted to come out, that wanted to be expressed, that wanted to see the light of day.
I thought about what it might be like at 70, 80, 90 years old, or on my deathbed. I thought about how I could say “ Well, at least I was honest about who I was.” But that just wasn’t enough for me. I worried that I would have so much regret about not exploring this side of myself. I was even more scared to arrive to these later years of life without my partner and best friend by my side. So even though I had recently shared some surprising news with my boyfriend, I knew I had even more unsettling news to share.
Of course I was terrified of what people would think of us. I was scared to be seen as anything but normal. But mostly I was scared that my boyfriend would leave me – I knew what his biggest fear was.
A couple of years into our relationship, we were playing a drinking game with a bunch of friends. It was a game called Waterfall where you spread a deck of cards on a table while each person takes turn drawing one. Each card has a rule associated with it. We decided that one of the cards should be tied to a Truth-or-Dare rule – whoever draws the card can pick a person to play Truth or Dare with. Someone drew that card and asked Javi, “Truth or Dare?” He responded with “Truth.” And the question was asked, “What is your biggest fear?” He paused for a bit as I eagerly awaited his answer. We had been dating for about 2 years and I didn’t know the answer to this. I was excited to find out. Then he said something that completely took me by surprise. “My biggest fear is losing my girlfriend to a woman.”
His response felt like a hit to the gut. As I sat there pretending to have a very normal and passive reaction to his fear, so many thoughts rushed through my head. Why would this be his biggest fear? Did he know I was bisexual? I hadn’t told him… could he just read this about me? Also, why was he worried about losing someone to a woman specifically? Did he think that would make him inferior in some way? Fuck!
I also felt really ashamed of myself. This guy – I found him so attractive and cool and funny. And he was stuck with the girl that was secretly attracted to other women. I was the one girl that could cause his biggest fears to become a reality. I felt so unworthy of him.
I decided in that moment that all the questions I had around his biggest fear could never be explored. I also decided that I would never tell him about my sexuality.
Tony Robbins has a pretty famous quote. “Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”
Laying in bed one night, waiting to fall asleep, the pain of staying the same set in. The pain of pretending to be ok with my continued repression took over and I decided it was time to change. I had already opened up to him about my sexuality, now it was time to tell him what I wanted and needed from our relationship.
I don’t remember much about that night which is weird because I have a fantastic memory. I mentally document every single moment of my life and carefully catalog it for future use. But for some reason on this night, I don’t recall what happened, exactly. I can’t imagine that I fell asleep that night. If I did, it must have been with tears in my eyes. I remember mustering up the courage to disrupt our good night by breaking the silence and saying “I want to talk about open relationships and what that might look like if we had one.” I remember my heart beating fast, and my chin jiggling as I held back tears. I remember feeling the blood drain away as he said “uhmm Fuck NO!” And then that’s it. The rest escapes me.
Maybe we discussed it that night or maybe we just went straight to sleep, both really upset. I don’t know. I do know that we spent quite a bit of time over the next month talking it out.
He comes from a very traditional Hispanic household. One in which his parents remained married for the entirety of their relationship. He witnessed divorce but not from his parents so his standards for what a good relationship looked like came directly from them. Open relationships to him weren’t just unorthodox, they were kind of wrong. But I was in the middle of a full-blown identity crisis. I needed to understand this side of myself and I was worried I would have to do so without him.
The therapist I had started seeing directed me to the work of Esther Perel. I watched her TedTalk which speaks about infidelity and why monogamous relationships have a 50% success rate. I sent that video to him. It led me to another Ted Talk from Chris Ryan. I sent that to him too. I watched more and more – I sent him each one. I needed him to know this wasn’t a promiscuous desire to fool around and get away with it. It wasn’t about sex at all. It was something deeper within me. It was a need to understand myself fully and grow out of the shame I had been holding for so long.
We talked about open relationships until we were blue in the face. Some of those conversations escalated to full-blown arguments about past missteps and wrong doings.
But it didn’t take him long to realize the gravity of all this. He saw how much pain I was in, he saw how alone I felt and how depressed I had become. Then he told me he wanted nothing more than to be with me – he wanted to be supportive of me and show me that, for as long as he was alive, I would never be alone.
Thinking about his selflessness brings me to tears all over again. Let’s be real though. One of his first questions was “ Does that mean I can, ya know.. with other.. too?” Our new relationship began to emerge.
After 8 years of being in a strictly monogamous relationship, entering a new relationship structure brought out our deepest insecurities. It forced both of us to look at them dead in the face and work through them. Let me tell you, that was and still is Very. Fucking. Difficult. Words can’t explain how hard and painful it is to dig deep and discover the truth about why you are the way you are.
Prior to this, we were both jealous people. For so many years of our relationship, jealousy worked for us because we learned how not to poke the bear. Being complacent with our jealousy meant that we never asked the question of WHY we were jealous in the first place.
For me, that question started to reveal itself during his first “guys night”. It was the first night that we spent apart with the agreement that we were open – whatever happened, happened. I knew this day was coming, the day he may or may not meet someone else, yet I felt so unprepared for the feelings that arose.
It was a Friday night and he went straight from work out with his friends. I went straight home to sit alone and watch TV thinking of everything he might be doing. I tried to play it cool though. I didn’t text or call him, I didn’t ask him to be home by a specific time. It was his night and I was a “cool” girlfriend that wanted to be in an open relationship in the first place. I had to play it cool. Inside though, I felt that awful pit in my stomach grow. Every terrible What-If question popped in my head. What have I done? What if I’m driving him directly into the arms of someone else? What if she is cooler and funnier and prettier and fitter and more successful than me? What if he leaves me for this hypothetical wonder woman? 
He came home early that night, much to my relief. But it made me think deeply about the questions I was asking myself. They all seemed to be so closely tied to my own personal insecurities. I realized that night that my jealousy was never about anyone else – it was about me. It stemmed from a fear of not being good enough to find and hold on to love. It stemmed from me not believing that I myself was pretty or funny or fit or successful. While I did not believe I possessed any of those qualities, his presence in my life made me feel like I was fooling the world into thinking I did. I had attached so much of my worth to him.
A lot of self work followed this night. A LOT.
It was a turbulent time, to say the least. There were tons of talks, countless arguemtns, lots of tears and more anxiety than my little heart can handle. But I wouldn’t trade any of that because we learned so much about ourselves and each other through this process. We’re better people because of this. We’re better partners because of this.
Arguments happen but not every argument has to end in slammed doors
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