Ruined Orgasms Faq

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Hint: It's kinda what it sounds like.
Once upon a time, the topic of orgasm was fairly run-of-the-mill. Basically, you do the sex, and you climax (fingers crossed!). But these days, orgasms are anything but ordinary and basic, with options ranging from forced to clitoral to skin orgasms. Also on the list? A ruined orgasm. You might be like, huh? Bummer. And you wouldn't be wrong. But sex experts say it's the *lack* of orgasm that is exactly the goal.
"A ruined orgasm generally refers to an orgasm that is not particularly pleasurable," notes Jess O’Reilly, PhD, sexologist and ambassador for sexual wellness and sex toy brands We-Vibe, Womanizer, and Arcwave. But, she says, that doesn't mean a ruined orgasm can't be eroticized. For example, a ruined orgasm might allow participants to play with power dynamics and (loss of) control. This ties into the eroticization of emotions like humiliation, which can be an element of BDSM and other sexual roleplay, O'Reilly says.

Or, even if you're not into BDSM, this might be of interest to anyone who likes to engage in role-playing or themes including submission and domination, says Janet Brito, PhD, a clinical psychologist and sexologist in Honolulu.
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Another potentially appealing aspect of the ruined orgasm? It does away with the socially dominant norm or expectation that you’re supposed to orgasm in one particular way, O'Reilly points out.
Ready to learn more and maybe even try it? Here are all the deets on a ruined orgasm, including why it's different than edging and how to achieve one yourself.

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A ruined orgasm is one that leans on stop-and-start stimulation and teasing, and, in the case of BDSM practice, may involve a sexual act where the dominant partner provides enough stimulation to get the submissive partner to orgasm, but then stops, Brito says. A ruined orgasm may also include an interrupted orgasm.
O'Reilly agrees, offering the following scenario: "For example, if you usually stroke yourself right before or during orgasm to intensify pleasure, you may stop (or be told to stop) a few seconds early, so that you experience the muscular contractions (and perhaps ejaculation) that tend to accompany orgasm, but not the climactic pleasure."

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Brito emphasizes that a ruined orgasm, or any power sex play, requires consent and for both partners to create guidelines, establish boundaries, and negotiate specifics before they begin to experiment.
Kind of, but it isn't. Edging involves being this close to getting the thing you want (in this case, orgasm) and having it repeatedly taken away juuuust as you are about to climax until, eventually, you do orgasm. The reason for it, experts say, is the resulting orgasm packs much more ka-pow as a result of the back-and-forth teasing. But that's not a ruined orgasm, O'Reilly says.
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"Edging generally refers to building to pleasure via pleasure peaks and valleys," she notes. "It’s often part of building an undulating crescendo to a more powerfully pleasurable orgasm, so it’s quite different from detracting from the pleasure of orgasm as you might with a ruined orgasm."
Brito agrees, breaking it down into a simple comparison: Both ruined orgasms and edging involve the use of the start-stop method, but in the case of a ruined orgasm, the technique is meant to slow down orgasm and reduce build-up, whereas edging is all about elevating pleasure by prolonging it.
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Like edging, a forced orgasm—when a person does not want to orgasm, but their partner stimulates them enough to orgasm—does not involve a pleasure limit, as in the case of a ruined orgasm. With forced orgasms, you still lack control (as in your partner might tie you up and stimulate you when you say you don't want it—after you've consented to this type of sex, of course), but forced orgasms actually end in orgasm whereas ruined ones typically don't.
A forced orgasm may involve a dominant and submissive relationship, Brito says, where a submissive does not "want" to orgasm, but the dominant partner continues to provide stimulation so they do. "It's a role play involving power dynamics," she notes.
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Well, that depends on how you define orgasm, which, as O'Reilly pointed out earlier, has been stereotyped as that one big "O" that makes your toes curl. But there is no universal terminology for what a ruined orgasm entails, she says.
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"I have heard people talk about ruined orgasms as orgasms that don’t happen, but even the experience of orgasm is subjective," O'Reilly notes. "If we define orgasm by a pleasurable release of tension that is often accompanied by muscular contractions, you might say that a ruined orgasm is not an orgasm, as you’re not experiencing a pleasurable release." But on the flip side, you might have muscular contractions (or ejaculation if you have a penis) and not experience pleasure, she says, countering, "So, does it count? Perhaps not!"

Some of the basics have already been covered, but if you're on board to try out a ruined orgasm, let's review. This type of orgasm typically involves the stop-start technique, whether it's in the hands of a partner or your own. That means initiating stimulation and then stopping stimulation. "Do not continue to provide stimulation, which will result in no orgasm," Brito says. "[You can also] provide interrupted stimulation, which could result in a 'meh' orgasm. If you're going for the ruined orgasm with a partner, make sure it is consensual, discuss your terms ahead of time, and consider sexual aids, like vibrators."
Beyond the start-stop method, O'Reilly says you can also tie in the physical and emotional components of BDSM (e.g. you might experience or play with feelings of humiliation, frustration, loss of control, anger, or embarrassment) to "ruin" the orgasm. "For example, your partner might continue with the physical stimulation that brings you to orgasm, but then say something that makes you feel humiliated or embarrassed to create a dissonance that ruins the orgasm," she says.
"You might also have a ruined orgasm inadvertently due to distraction or intrusive thoughts," O'Reilly continues. "Perhaps someone walks in on you just as you’re about to orgasm and your body continues to respond, but you no longer experience the sensations or response as pleasurable."
Bottom line, according to O'Reilly? "There are many reasons why a ruined orgasm can be eroticized."
Caroline Shannon-Karasik Caroline Shannon-Karasik is a writer and mental health advocate based in Pittsburgh, PA.
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What's a Ruined Orgasm?
Learn the difference between an intentional vs. unintentional ruined orgasm and what it all means.
Though a ruined orgasm might sound like it has a simple definition — an orgasm that is ruined or halts before full climax – it can have multiple meanings. Some ruined orgasms are intentional, while others are not and can leave one feeling sexually frustrated. Those that are unintentional can also have multiple causes, both physical and emotional, which vary from person to person.
To get to the bottom of what can cause a ruined orgasm, the difference between an intentional and unintentional ruined orgasm, and how to stop having unintentional ruined orgasms, we reached out to healthcare providers and experts to get professional advice on everything to do with ruined orgasms. ‍
“A ruined orgasm happens when a partner's genitals are stimulated to the brink of orgasm and then the stimulation is suddenly stopped,” relationship and sex expert Pamela Madsen tells O.school. “At this point, two things can happen — either no orgasm occurs, or if it does, it will be much less satisfying than what it would have been [if stimulation continued throughout the orgasm].” ‍
Dr. Michael Ingber, a urologist with a sub specialty in sexual health, explains what happens during the sexual response cycle of a ruined orgasm: ‍
1. During the arousal phase, blood flow is increased to the genitals. This is usually when an erection or clitoral engorgement begins.
2. With repetitive stimulation of the penis or clitoris, there is typically a sympathetic nervous system discharge, causing a climax or ejaculation. 
3. When a ruined orgasm occurs, the partner is brought just before this climax phase and then stimulation is stopped. 
4. Oftentimes, this results in ejaculation without actual orgasm, or a much less intense orgasm.
A ruined orgasm can be caused by physical conditions, or it can be brought on by thoughts and emotions. ‍
According to Dr. Jess O’Reilly, resident sexologist at Astroglide, a ruined orgasm can occur when “your partner says or does something that turns you off,” causing you to not orgasm or for your orgasm to be less intense than it would have been.
Clinical psychologist and sex therapist Dr. Christopher Ryan Jones adds that a ruined orgasm can be related to stress, anxiety, preoccupied thoughts, and/or guilt. ‍
There are a few physical factors that may cause a ruined orgasm. For example, you could lose your orgasm if your partner stops stimulation right before climax. Dr. O’Reilly also states that a ruined orgasm can be related to something as simple as your Wi-Fi going out while watching porn.  
Dr. Jeffcoat tells O.school that those who experience pain during sex often deal with ruined orgasms. They may often be dismissed by medical providers with statements such as “It’s all in your head,” or “It’s a normal part of aging.” However, Dr. Jeffcoat states that a ruined orgasm can be caused by the following physical conditions: ‍
1. Vaginismus (involves muscle spasms in the pelvic floor muscles)
2. Vulvodynia (chronic, unidentified vulvar pain)
3. Vestibulodynia (chronic, unidentified pain in the vestibule area of the vulva
4. Endometriosis (a painful disorder caused by tissue that lines the uterus growing outside of the uterus) 
5. Interstitial cystitis (a chronic, painful bladder condition, now called painful bladder syndrome.
7. Dyspareunia (painful intercourse)
9. Nerve entrapment (in more severe cases) 
Depending on the cause behind the ruined orgasm, there are mental, emotional, and physical steps one can take to prevent unintentional orgasms from happening in the future. ‍
“Typically, I would tell a client who has trouble achieving orgasm or trouble having a satisfying orgasm, to stop trying!” Dr. Jones tells O.school. “I would recommend sensate exercises [intimate touch exercises that teach one to be fully in their body during sex] for a period of time. The amount of time is determined on the exact problem and the severity of it.”
For sensate exercises specifically, Dr. Jones recommends that partners set aside time for kissing and touching — and kissing and touching only. “They could allow their fingers and kisses to roam around their partner’s body slowly and playfully. The purpose is two-fold, to turn your partner on and to collectively discover new areas of pleasure.” The goal of this exercise is to focus on the pleasures and sensations leading up to orgasm. If fact, Dr. Jones adds that orgasming is discouraged. 
“Depending on the situation, I may suggest they stick with touching and kissing for a week, then maybe touching and kissing and light oral play, and then gradually progressing,” states Dr. Jones. “But it is important to emphasize that in each of these sessions, they do not reach orgasm. That would be counterintuitive … See, often people are so focused on the orgasm that they totally ignore and miss all of the pleasure and sensations leading up to orgasm, and then they are only let down.” 
If one’s own thoughts — “you get nervous that an orgasm isn’t going to happen or you feel shame for having an orgasm” — are the cause of a ruined orgasm, Dr. O’Reilly advises asking oneself the following questions: ‍
2. What shame can you release from your sexual scripts? 
3. Where did you learn these messages of shame and are those sources trustworthy? 
4. What positive affirmations can you use to replace negative sexual scripts (e.g. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of pleasure. Sex is healthy.)? 
5. What are the real benefits (and potential risks) of sex? 
Dr. O’Reilly states that practicing mindfulness during sex can also help — especially if intrusive thoughts are causing ruined orgasms. According to Dr. O’Reilly, one can perform the following steps to assist with this: ‍
1. Visualize your problem or stressful thought and visualize placing it in a box. 
2. Continue to visualize yourself carrying the box out of the room and storing it somewhere safe so you can get back to it at a later time. 
3. When the thought creeps back in again during sex, accept it without judgment and remind yourself that you don’t need to think about it right now because it’s shelved in another room waiting for you. 
4. Bring your focus back to one sense. For example, focus on the sense of touch. What do you feel in terms of temperature, movement, textures, rhythm, etc.? If your partner is touching you, tune into the feeling of their skin against yours to bring yourself back into the present moment. ‍
No matter what the scenario, make sure to communicate with your partner what’s going on. Talk it out and discuss how both of you can work together to solve the problem. If the situation doesn’t improve, you can seek help from a sex therapist. ‍
If you are coping with any of the physical conditions listed above, Dr. Jeffcoat recommends reaching out to a pelvic floor physical therapist for help. Such a therapist can create a specific treatment plan to help patients meet their goals, and can even provide a home program. If you’re not sure what your pain is related to, consult your doctor as soon as possible. 
If your partner is the one who is causing the ruined orgasm, Dr. O’Reilly emphasizes the importance of communication: “If they stop as soon as you start breathing heavily or loudly, they may think that your orgasm is complete; explain to them what your orgasm tends to look and sound like. Does it last a few seconds or do you tend to have contractions and an overwhelming sense of pleasure for a full minute?” 
Since everyone has different desires, it’s important you show your partner exactly how you, personally, like to be touched before and during your orgasm. You should also give them a verbal cue to “keep going” when what they’re doing is bringing you pleasure. “You’ll likely find that your orgasms are less likely to be ruined once you start communicating more clearly and specifically,” states Dr. O’Reilly. 
Madsen also emphasizes, “It's important to think of the entire body as a sexual organ — not just what's between our legs.” This can involve touching, kissing or nibbling the nipples, neck and other parts of the body.‍
“In the BDSM community, a ruined orgasm is the practice of stimulating a partners genitals right up until the point of climax, then stopping abruptly,” sex therapist Angela Watson tells O.school. “This can either mean stopping just before an orgasm occurs, or just as ejaculation begins.” This will cause the orgasm to be less intense than it would be if stimulation continued. “In [people with pensises], this will cause semen to dribble out as opposed to shooting out, and [they] will not experience any pelvic muscle contractions.”
Watson mentions that ruined orgasms are especially enjoyed because they can allow a dom (dominant) to feel in control over a sub (submissive). She adds, “It can also be enjoyable for the sub as well, since it will intensify the denial and teasing which come with chastity play.”
Lorrae Bradbury — a sex, love, and empowerment coach, and founder of Slutty Girl Problems — reinforces that an intentional ruined orgasm “could be part of a chastity, edging, or orgasm control dynamic, [in which] the partner is denied the full satisfaction of orgasm, even if there was a physical release.” 
If you’re interested in experimenting with a ruined orgasm, Bradbury advises, “[Work] up to the point of orgasmic inevitability or even the beginning seconds of orgasm, then completely remove the touch or sensation. This allows the contractions of orgasm to continue, without the additional sensation to make it more deeply pleasurable.” 
This is similar to edging, which is another orgasm control practice. It differs from a ruined orgasm because it is a repetitive process that actually results in an orgasm. It occurs when a person brings themselves to the brink, or edge, of an orgasm before they climax. They then repeat this process until they allow themselves to fully orgasm, resulting in a longer, more intense orgasm. It can also be used as a treatment method for premature ejaculation. ‍
If you’re not sure what’s happening with your body, or if you’re dealing with painful symptoms, consult a doctor before trying anything else. If you’re coping with mental health issues, consult a doctor or therapist. For therapy specifically related to your sex life, speak with a sex therapist.
When Anna isn't trying to create a groundbreaking third-person bio for herself, she's working as a freelance writer, editor, and content strategist. She was previously the deputy editor at So Yummy and lifestyle editor at HelloGiggles, and has worked with publications such as Teen Vogue, Nylon, InStyle, Glamour, Bust, Catapult, and more.
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