Ruined Orgasm Training

Ruined Orgasm Training

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Carina Hsieh lives in NYC with her French Bulldog Bao Bao — follow her on Instagram and Twitter • Candace Bushnell once called her the Samantha Jones of Tinder • She enjoys hanging out in the candle aisle of TJ Maxx and getting lost in Amazon spirals.

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This BDSM practice is for those of you who love stop-and-start teasing.
While some people consider an orgasm during sex to be the gold star of intimacy, for others, forced or ruined orgasms are just another way of having The Best Sex Ever . Granted, if you're new to a concept of a ruined orgasm , you might be at a loss for what it is, how to do it, and why anyone would want to experience one.
So whether you're interested in experiencing a ruined orgasm for yourself, just want to learn, or arrived here after falling down an internet rabbit hole (welcome!), here's literally everything you need to know about ruined orgasms.
A ruined orgasm is one that’s the result of stop-and-start stimulation and teasing, generally under the control of your partner, explains Carol Queen , PhD, resident sexologist at Good Vibrations . It’s an orgasm that doesn’t give you the climactic feeling of pleasure you usually expect from an orgasm.
Generally, if someone enjoys and eroticizes being in control of another person, they’d get especially turned on during this kind of play. Mainly because "there’s a feeling of power and pride when you are able to give your partner pleasure and choose when to take it away," explains Daniel Saynt, founder of The New Society for Wellness (NSFW) , a private, sex-friendly members club in NYC.
"The sadistic pleasure of refusing to allow your partner to reach orgasm is rooted in control—wanting to be in control of a sexual experience and taking ownership of your partner's orgasm."
While ruined orgasms are commonly seen as a fetish and/or a form of dominant/submissive play , Astroglide resident sexologist, Jess O’Reilly , PhD, says she's recently seen this term used to describe orgasms ruined by accident as opposed to on purpose.
"For example, if you’re about to orgasm and your partner stops or pulls away, you might have an orgasm that isn’t as satisfying . Or you might be right on the brink of orgasm and your partner says or does something that turns you off," she explains. "In other cases, an orgasm might be ruined by your own thoughts as your mind turns to distressful topics. Perhaps you’re watching porn and you’re almost there, but then the WiFi drops."
That said, in this context, we're talking about a ruined orgasm in the BDSM sense. If you lose your orgasm or have more of a blip orgasm, we've got tons of recourses for you as well, so check out some arousal tips or info about how to have a more intense orgasm , if that's what you're looking for.
While both are more commonly seen in the BDSM communities, a forced orgasm means you *are* allowed to orgasm as intensely as you’d like, whereas a ruined orgasm is more about minimizing the pleasure you feel when you climax.
"A dom might stimulate a sub just to the brink of orgasm and then stop. Even if they do have an orgasm, it can be a let-down or less intense than an orgasm in which stimulation continues," explains Dr. Jess.
"For those who enjoy submission, the ruined orgasm is a reminder that their partner is in control of their pleasure and can strengthen relationship bonds," adds Saynt.
That said, as with most things sex-related, there’s definitely some potential of overlap, and you might experience both at the same time. You could have a dom “ruin” a forced orgasm as well, says Queen.
So, a ruined orgasm isn't exactly no orgasm or a lost orgasm. Queen notes that she’s heard of ruined orgasms also being referred to as “ejaculation-only orgasm”—aka an ejaculatory response that’s separate from orgasm (which, yes, is possible).
A ruined orgasm could also mean a weak orgasm. “The difference between that and basically being interrupted or distracted away from your building pleasure, and having a meh orgasm as a result, is the control/tease/intentionality part of ruined-orgasm play,” says Queen. And in other instances, a ruined orgasm = a better orgasm, if the sub truly has a fetish for this and is that into it.
While the start-stop tempo of a ruined orgasm might seem similar to edging , they’re actually pretty different. The purpose of edging is to have more pleasure for longer, whereas the purpose of a ruined orgasm is to take away from the pleasure in order to serve the larger purpose of control, explains Queen. Edging also happens to be seen more frequently in masturbation, which doesn’t seem true of ruined orgasms.
There are a lot of reasons why someone would want to have a ruined orgasm. "Some people enjoy the torture/pain side of it, while others experience an extreme amount of pleasure from the continuous stimulation after the orgasm," explains Mistress Rogue , a professional dominatrix and founder of The Dom House. "It can make the sensation feel even more intense than the orgasm itself."
Additionally, a female dom working with a male sub subverts sex role stereotypes that are ingrained in many people. And Queen points out: “Considering that many cis men may have had a lot of orgasm-centric sex in their time, this is a way to change up the playing field.”
The long process of teasing and drawing out foreplay and learning your physical point of no return before orgasm is also v helpful in learning your own arousal patterns and your body, which is good to know in any situation. You can take what you’ve learned about your body in a ruined orgasm session and apply it to non-kink sex as well.
If you're wondering why someone would want to be the giver in a ruined orgasm situation, it usually comes down to control. "People enjoy giving ruined orgasms because it's sadistic by nature, and if you're a sadist, you get pleasure from tormenting someone in that kind of way," says Marla Renee Stewart, a sexologist and sexpert for Lovers sexual wellness retailer and brand. "Most people know that orgasms feel great, so to ruin something that's supposed to feel great can feel great to the person ruining it altogether."
Take Rogue, for example, a self-proclaimed primal sadist. "I enjoy giving ruined orgasms to submissives who enjoy the torture because it gives me all the control to continue or stop their pleasure and suffering," she says. "It makes them beg me to stop or continue and it takes the submissive into a headspace in which I can push boundaries and get what I want from them while they are cum-drunk."
While ruined orgasms aren't as physically risky as some other types of BDSM activities (looking at you, breath play), all sex carries risks, and with ruined orgasms, it's mostly mental.
Dr. Jess says communication, negotiation, and aftercare are especially vital when it comes to ruined orgasms, since humiliation and control are often at the core of the experience.
"Some people might find this type of play a fine line between consent and CNC (Consent Non-Consent,) because part of the play is trusting the Top to continue the stimulation and also trusting the Bottom or submissive to use their safe word when it's time to stop or it's too much," says Rogue. "Make sure both parties negotiate consent, to know exactly when and where is a good time to stop the stimulation."
Additionally, Saynt adds that as with most things, moderation is key here. "The repeated flow of blood to your genitals may cause discomfort or swelling," he says. That said, as long as you find time or orgasm at some point, the feeling should eventually fade.
First, have a conversation with your partner about kink and dom/sub play. “Don’t just tie them up and begin tormenting them without a clear sense that this is something they're willing to try,” says Queen. That's a biiiiig no-no.
Start by addressing your wants, boundaries, and hard limits with your partner. Then, let your partner communicate theirs. If you both are on the same page and decide to give ruined orgasms a try, here's how to get started safely:
The resulting orgasm should be meh and not as pleasurable as expected for all that foreplay, which is the point of it being “ruined.”
When it comes to how to make a ruined orgasm better, Stewart suggests starting with a BDSM website or group to connect you with others. "From there, you can get tips and advice about what you should or shouldn't do, as well as learn from other people's stories about what it's like to have one," she says.
If you're already out there having ruined orgasms and want to turn things up, Stewart and Saynt recommend incorporating toys into your play. "The Lovers Wonder Wand is great because it's a lovely fit in your hand and it's pretty powerful for a sadist who likes to ruin orgasms," Stewart says. It's like the Hogwarts equivalent of taking orgasms away, which will pretty much earn you top makes in all things BDSM.

By | 2020-07-23T19:40:07-07:00 July 23rd, 2020 | Categories: Dommes | Tags: dominant | 0 Comments
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The Submissive Male’s Guide to the Perfect Self-administered Ruined Orgasm
A ruined orgasm for a submissive male is one of the most intensely pleasurable, toe-curling, sweat-inducing, back-arching, fist-clenching, teeth-gnashing, brain-bending endeavors a submissive male can experience to drive him into an animal sexual frenzy. One of the biggest misconceptions about ruined orgasms comes from the word “ruined.” It sounds like torture or something a submissive male might do to himself only for punishment. But, it could be a way to experience ecstasy, delight and have one of the biggest and best orgasms he has ever had in his entire life.
The name is misleading in that a properly ruined orgasm is STILL an orgasm! Yet, it does feel profoundly different to the submissive male, but it still feels great, yet in a different way than a normal orgasm. The perfect ruined orgasm is a special kind of climax, achieved in a very specific way that triggers a different sequence of physical, emotional, and hormonal reactions in the submissive male’s body. To a male accustomed to and expecting normal orgasms, the sudden surprise of new and different sensations might be confusing in his hyper-aroused brain by causing unexpected disappointment. The submissive male is expecting one thing – a powerful climax, but at the last second, he gets something different. A ruined orgasm does not tell the submissive male’s brain to release any of the hormones associated with the post-orgasmic “afterglow,” such as prolactin and oxytocin. Dopamine levels remain elevated throughout the body. Instead of feeling sluggish and exhausted after an orgasm, the submissive male remains aroused and sexually frustrated after ruining the orgasm. Rarely would a male ruin his own orgasm, but a submissive male, under the strict control or directions of a Mistress, different sensations and motivations occur.
There are a few important things that enable a submissive male to have a “perfect” (or as close to that as possible) ruined orgasm.
First, often associated with the perfect ruined orgasm is extended pleasure. One possible path for the submissive male to take is to perform, possibly at the direction of a Mistress, repeated (four to six consecutive days), prolonged (from 15 to 30 minutes) stop-and-start stimulation. This is commonly known as edging. This seems to charge up the submissive male and his cock to a higher sensitivity and definitely a greater yearning for an orgasm, any orgasm.
Second, unlike a normal orgasm, with a ruined orgasm all stimulation stops as the ejaculation begins to build. And this is the tricky part, the stroking of the cock toward an orgasmic explosion needs to terminate at a critical moment. If you wait until the sperms starts its path through the urethra, it’s too late. Stopping at the height of the build up but before you teeter over that edge is critical and this is where many would be “ruiners” fail, by stroking too long, either out of ignorance or lack of control.
To achieve a “perfect” ruined orgasm, keen attention must be given to the signals from the submissive male’s body, particularly as his stroking leads to what could be “THE” climactic end to the edging, but making sure to stop the stroking before the climax actually occurrs. There is a critical point when more stroking would achieve orgasm. It takes all of the submissive male’s willpower and desire to please his Mistress to submit and follow Her orders – when a ruined orgasm only is permitted.
The submissive male needs to train himself to give himself a perfect ruined orgasm. He needs to know his body very, very well. He needs to study his specific sequence of escalating physical pleasure signals, to identify the first possible moment in the sequence where he can let go and cause himself to still cascade through climax. Arched back, tensed muscles, grunts, whimpers, pulsing cock, retracted balls–every submissive male has his signals. Leaking pre-cum is an excellent signal for the submissive male to become aware of if hoping to achieve a ruined orgasm. Instead of letting go “at the last second,” the submissive male actually wants to let go as early as possible. He needs to hang, untouched, on the verge of climax, for as long as physically possible, before his body reflexively sends him over. If done correctly, the perfect ruined orgasm results in his sperm to just dribble out, under weak contractions, if at all. The submissive male should desire and seek to extend that “hangtime” just before ejaculation to be as long as possible.
Sadly, but understandable, the submissive male typically misjudges his own point-of-no-return. It is probably long before he says it is. The problem is he is in a mindless pleasure-trance when stroking toward orgasm. The submissive male is not the most reliable person at that point but needs to train himself to become more sensitive and attentive to achieve the perfect self-administered ruined orgasm.
Ample loads of sperm may be released from the submissive male’s cock during a ruined orgasm, especially if not allowed to orgasm for an extended time, but not with the intensity of a normal orgasm. If successful, the male’s sperm is only released through a dribbling out of the cock (not a powerful spurting like a normal orgasm) or by “forcing” the sperm out by firmly but gently squeezing the cock by forming a circle with his thumb and forefinger and running his two fingers from the base of his cock to the tip in a milking action.
Why is a ruined orgasm so special? In a normal orgasm, the male hits his peak of pleasure, then comes crashing down in a wonderful, violent torrent of release, followed by an involuntary rest-and-recharge time called the “refractory period.” He feels a warm, satisfying wash of hormones. Then his cock goes limp and his entire body instinctively commands him to rest and recover.
In a ruined orgasm, the submissive male hits his peak of pleasure, tips just barely over the edge, but the violent crash is not triggered. It is not triggered because the expected physical stimulation is absent. Weak muscle contractions struggle to squeeze the cum from his body. He feels an electric tremor throughout his body, distinctly different from the warm wash of a normal orgasm. Importantly, the sense of satisfaction never triggers. The submissive male had an orgasm and he unloaded some cum, but he feels “unfinished.” Despite having released his load, the submissive male is exceptionally horny and frustrated, not exhausted and satisfied as with a normal orgasm, and is likely still erect. While his balls are drained, he did not have the sensation of having an orgasm.
There may be many reasons why a submissive male would attempt to have the “perfect ruined orgasm.”
Some submissive males are turned on with this kind of play – the control exerted by a Mistress, the using of his cock for Her pleasure and not his, and the continued sexual frustration which does not occur after a normal orgasm. The male remains as before the ruined orgasm, hanging on his Mistress’s every command, ready and willing to obey Her.
A ruined orgasm is different and something a male would not choose on his own. As a submissive, the male relinquishes all control to his Mistress, She makes the decisions and orders him to do something that he likely would not have initiated. A Mistress might allow Her submissive male the pleasure of a normal orgasm or may decide to have him endure a ruined orgasm – it is completely under Her control.
A ruined orgasm causes the submissive male to focus on pleasing his Mistress, not achieving his own pleasure. As a true submissive, the male’s thoughts and actions should be about his Mistress, not himself.
Masturbation, something a male may do all too frequently before becoming submissive to his Mistress, would allow him total control – when to start, how long to stroke, when to finish, and how to finish. The ruined orgasm is the quintessential giving up of control and tru
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