Ruined Orgasm Instructions

Ruined Orgasm Instructions
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Carina Hsieh
Sex & Relationships Editor
Carina Hsieh lives in NYC with her French Bulldog Bao Bao — follow her on Instagram and Twitter • Candace Bushnell once called her the Samantha Jones of Tinder • She enjoys hanging out in the candle aisle of TJ Maxx and getting lost in Amazon spirals.

Rachel Varina
Rachel Varina is a full-time freelance writer covering everything from the best vibrators (the Lelo Sona ) to the best TV shows (The Vampire Diaries).

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Sex & Relationships

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This BDSM practice is for those of you who love stop-and-start teasing.
While some people consider an orgasm during sex to be the gold star of intimacy, for others, forced or ruined orgasms are just another way of having The Best Sex Ever . Granted, if you're new to a concept of a ruined orgasm , you might be at a loss for what it is, how to do it, and why anyone would want to experience one.
So whether you're interested in experiencing a ruined orgasm for yourself, just want to learn, or arrived here after falling down an internet rabbit hole (welcome!), here's literally everything you need to know about ruined orgasms.
A ruined orgasm is one that’s the result of stop-and-start stimulation and teasing, generally under the control of your partner, explains Carol Queen , PhD, resident sexologist at Good Vibrations . It’s an orgasm that doesn’t give you the climactic feeling of pleasure you usually expect from an orgasm.
Generally, if someone enjoys and eroticizes being in control of another person, they’d get especially turned on during this kind of play. Mainly because "there’s a feeling of power and pride when you are able to give your partner pleasure and choose when to take it away," explains Daniel Saynt, founder of The New Society for Wellness (NSFW) , a private, sex-friendly members club in NYC.
"The sadistic pleasure of refusing to allow your partner to reach orgasm is rooted in control—wanting to be in control of a sexual experience and taking ownership of your partner's orgasm."
While ruined orgasms are commonly seen as a fetish and/or a form of dominant/submissive play , Astroglide resident sexologist, Jess O’Reilly , PhD, says she's recently seen this term used to describe orgasms ruined by accident as opposed to on purpose.
"For example, if you’re about to orgasm and your partner stops or pulls away, you might have an orgasm that isn’t as satisfying . Or you might be right on the brink of orgasm and your partner says or does something that turns you off," she explains. "In other cases, an orgasm might be ruined by your own thoughts as your mind turns to distressful topics. Perhaps you’re watching porn and you’re almost there, but then the WiFi drops."
That said, in this context, we're talking about a ruined orgasm in the BDSM sense. If you lose your orgasm or have more of a blip orgasm, we've got tons of recourses for you as well, so check out some arousal tips or info about how to have a more intense orgasm , if that's what you're looking for.
While both are more commonly seen in the BDSM communities, a forced orgasm means you *are* allowed to orgasm as intensely as you’d like, whereas a ruined orgasm is more about minimizing the pleasure you feel when you climax.
"A dom might stimulate a sub just to the brink of orgasm and then stop. Even if they do have an orgasm, it can be a let-down or less intense than an orgasm in which stimulation continues," explains Dr. Jess.
"For those who enjoy submission, the ruined orgasm is a reminder that their partner is in control of their pleasure and can strengthen relationship bonds," adds Saynt.
That said, as with most things sex-related, there’s definitely some potential of overlap, and you might experience both at the same time. You could have a dom “ruin” a forced orgasm as well, says Queen.
So, a ruined orgasm isn't exactly no orgasm or a lost orgasm. Queen notes that she’s heard of ruined orgasms also being referred to as “ejaculation-only orgasm”—aka an ejaculatory response that’s separate from orgasm (which, yes, is possible).
A ruined orgasm could also mean a weak orgasm. “The difference between that and basically being interrupted or distracted away from your building pleasure, and having a meh orgasm as a result, is the control/tease/intentionality part of ruined-orgasm play,” says Queen. And in other instances, a ruined orgasm = a better orgasm, if the sub truly has a fetish for this and is that into it.
While the start-stop tempo of a ruined orgasm might seem similar to edging , they’re actually pretty different. The purpose of edging is to have more pleasure for longer, whereas the purpose of a ruined orgasm is to take away from the pleasure in order to serve the larger purpose of control, explains Queen. Edging also happens to be seen more frequently in masturbation, which doesn’t seem true of ruined orgasms.
There are a lot of reasons why someone would want to have a ruined orgasm. "Some people enjoy the torture/pain side of it, while others experience an extreme amount of pleasure from the continuous stimulation after the orgasm," explains Mistress Rogue , a professional dominatrix and founder of The Dom House. "It can make the sensation feel even more intense than the orgasm itself."
Additionally, a female dom working with a male sub subverts sex role stereotypes that are ingrained in many people. And Queen points out: “Considering that many cis men may have had a lot of orgasm-centric sex in their time, this is a way to change up the playing field.”
The long process of teasing and drawing out foreplay and learning your physical point of no return before orgasm is also v helpful in learning your own arousal patterns and your body, which is good to know in any situation. You can take what you’ve learned about your body in a ruined orgasm session and apply it to non-kink sex as well.
If you're wondering why someone would want to be the giver in a ruined orgasm situation, it usually comes down to control. "People enjoy giving ruined orgasms because it's sadistic by nature, and if you're a sadist, you get pleasure from tormenting someone in that kind of way," says Marla Renee Stewart, a sexologist and sexpert for Lovers sexual wellness retailer and brand. "Most people know that orgasms feel great, so to ruin something that's supposed to feel great can feel great to the person ruining it altogether."
Take Rogue, for example, a self-proclaimed primal sadist. "I enjoy giving ruined orgasms to submissives who enjoy the torture because it gives me all the control to continue or stop their pleasure and suffering," she says. "It makes them beg me to stop or continue and it takes the submissive into a headspace in which I can push boundaries and get what I want from them while they are cum-drunk."
While ruined orgasms aren't as physically risky as some other types of BDSM activities (looking at you, breath play), all sex carries risks, and with ruined orgasms, it's mostly mental.
Dr. Jess says communication, negotiation, and aftercare are especially vital when it comes to ruined orgasms, since humiliation and control are often at the core of the experience.
"Some people might find this type of play a fine line between consent and CNC (Consent Non-Consent,) because part of the play is trusting the Top to continue the stimulation and also trusting the Bottom or submissive to use their safe word when it's time to stop or it's too much," says Rogue. "Make sure both parties negotiate consent, to know exactly when and where is a good time to stop the stimulation."
Additionally, Saynt adds that as with most things, moderation is key here. "The repeated flow of blood to your genitals may cause discomfort or swelling," he says. That said, as long as you find time or orgasm at some point, the feeling should eventually fade.
First, have a conversation with your partner about kink and dom/sub play. “Don’t just tie them up and begin tormenting them without a clear sense that this is something they're willing to try,” says Queen. That's a biiiiig no-no.
Start by addressing your wants, boundaries, and hard limits with your partner. Then, let your partner communicate theirs. If you both are on the same page and decide to give ruined orgasms a try, here's how to get started safely:
The resulting orgasm should be meh and not as pleasurable as expected for all that foreplay, which is the point of it being “ruined.”
When it comes to how to make a ruined orgasm better, Stewart suggests starting with a BDSM website or group to connect you with others. "From there, you can get tips and advice about what you should or shouldn't do, as well as learn from other people's stories about what it's like to have one," she says.
If you're already out there having ruined orgasms and want to turn things up, Stewart and Saynt recommend incorporating toys into your play. "The Lovers Wonder Wand is great because it's a lovely fit in your hand and it's pretty powerful for a sadist who likes to ruin orgasms," Stewart says. It's like the Hogwarts equivalent of taking orgasms away, which will pretty much earn you top makes in all things BDSM.

What's a Ruined Orgasm? Learn the difference between an intentional vs. unintentional ruined orgasm and what it all means.
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Though a ruined orgasm might sound like it has a simple definition — an orgasm that is ruined or halts before full climax – it can have multiple meanings. Some ruined orgasms are intentional, while others are not and can leave one feeling sexually frustrated. Those that are unintentional can also have multiple causes, both physical and emotional, which vary from person to person.
To get to the bottom of what can cause a ruined orgasm , the difference between an intentional and unintentional ruined orgasm, and how to stop having unintentional ruined orgasms, we reached out to healthcare providers and experts to get professional advice on everything to do with ruined orgasms. ‍
“A ruined orgasm happens when a partner's genitals are stimulated to the brink of orgasm and then the stimulation is suddenly stopped,” relationship and sex expert Pamela Madsen tells O.school. “At this point, two things can happen — either no orgasm occurs, or if it does, it will be much less satisfying than what it would have been [if stimulation continued throughout the orgasm].” ‍
Dr. Michael Ingber , a urologist with a sub specialty in sexual health, explains what happens during the sexual response cycle of a ruined orgasm: ‍
1. During the arousal phase, blood flow is increased to the genitals. This is usually when an erection or clitoral engorgement begins.
2. With repetitive stimulation of the penis or clitoris, there is typically a sympathetic nervous system discharge, causing a climax or ejaculation.
3. When a ruined orgasm occurs, the partner is brought just before this climax phase and then stimulation is stopped.
4. Oftentimes, this results in ejaculation without actual orgasm, or a much less intense orgasm.
A ruined orgasm can be caused by physical conditions, or it can be brought on by thoughts and emotions. ‍
According to Dr. Jess O’Reilly, resident sexologist at Astroglide , a ruined orgasm can occur when “your partner says or does something that turns you off,” causing you to not orgasm or for your orgasm to be less intense than it would have been.
Clinical psychologist and sex therapist Dr. Christopher Ryan Jones adds that a ruined orgasm can be related to stress, anxiety, preoccupied thoughts, and/or guilt. ‍
There are a few physical factors that may cause a ruined orgasm. For example, you could lose your orgasm if your partner stops stimulation right before climax. Dr. O’Reilly also states that a ruined orgasm can be related to something as simple as your Wi-Fi going out while watching porn.
Dr. Jeffcoat tells O.school that those who experience pain during sex often deal with ruined orgasms. They may often be dismissed by medical providers with statements such as “It’s all in your head,” or “It’s a normal part of aging.” However, Dr. Jeffcoat states that a ruined orgasm can be caused by the following physical conditions: ‍
1. Vaginismus (involves muscle spasms in the pelvic floor muscles)
2. Vulvodynia (chronic, unidentified vulvar pain)
3. Vestibulodynia (chronic, unidentified pain in the vestibule area of the vulva
4. Endometriosis (a painful disorder caused by tissue that lines the uterus growing outside of the uterus)
5. Interstitial cystitis (a chronic, painful bladder condition, now called painful bladder syndrome.
7. Dyspareunia (painful intercourse)
9. Nerve entrapment (in more severe cases)
Depending on the cause behind the ruined orgasm, there are mental, emotional, and physical steps one can take to prevent unintentional orgasms from happening in the future. ‍
“Typically, I would tell a client who has trouble achieving orgasm or trouble having a satisfying orgasm, to stop trying!” Dr. Jones tells O.school. “I would recommend sensate exercises [intimate touch exercises that teach one to be fully in their body during sex] for a period of time. The amount of time is determined on the exact problem and the severity of it.”
For sensate exercises specifically, Dr. Jones recommends that partners set aside time for kissing and touching — and kissing and touching only. “They could allow their fingers and kisses to roam around their partner’s body slowly and playfully. The purpose is two-fold, to turn your partner on and to collectively discover new areas of pleasure.” The goal of this exercise is to focus on the pleasures and sensations leading up to orgasm. If fact, Dr. Jones adds that orgasming is discouraged.
“Depending on the situation, I may suggest they stick with touching and kissing for a week, then maybe touching and kissing and light oral play, and then gradually progressing,” states Dr. Jones. “But it is important to emphasize that in each of these sessions, they do not reach orgasm. That would be counterintuitive … See, often people are so focused on the orgasm that they totally ignore and miss all of the pleasure and sensations leading up to orgasm, and then they are only let down.”
If one’s own thoughts — “you get nervous that an orgasm isn’t going to happen or you feel shame for having an orgasm” — are the cause of a ruined orgasm, Dr. O’Reilly advises asking oneself the following questions: ‍
2. What shame can you release from your sexual scripts?
3. Where did you learn these messages of shame and are those sources trustworthy?
4. What positive affirmations can you use to replace negative sexual scripts (e.g. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of pleasure. Sex is healthy.)?
5. What are the real benefits (and potential risks) of sex?
Dr. O’Reilly states that practicing mindfulness during sex can also help — especially if intrusive thoughts are causing ruined orgasms. According to Dr. O’Reilly, one can perform the following steps to assist with this: ‍
1. Visualize your problem or stressful thought and visualize placing it in a box.
2. Continue to visualize yourself carrying the box out of the room and storing it somewhere safe so you can get back to it at a later time.
3. When the thought creeps back in again during sex, accept it without judgment and remind yourself that you don’t need to think about it right now because it’s shelved in another room waiting for you.
4. Bring your focus back to one sense. For example, focus on the sense of touch. What do you feel in terms of temperature, movement, textures, rhythm, etc.? If your partner is touching you, tune into the feeling of their skin against yours to bring yourself back into the present moment. ‍
No matter what the scenario, make sure to communicate with your partner what’s going on. Talk it out and discuss how both of you can work together to solve the problem. If the situation doesn’t improve, you can seek help from a sex therapist. ‍
If you are coping with any of the physical conditions listed above, Dr. Jeffcoat recommends reaching out to a pelvic floor physical therapist for help. Such a therapist can create a specific treatment plan to help patients meet their goals, and can even provide a home program. If you’re not sure what your pain is related to, consult your doctor as soon as possible.
If your partner is the one who is causing the ruined orgasm, Dr. O’Reilly emphasizes the importance of communication: “If they stop as soon as you start breathing heavily or loudly, they may think that your orgasm is complete; explain to them what your orgasm tends to look and sound like. Does it last a few seconds or do you tend to have contractions and an overwhelming sense of pleasure for a full minute?”
Since everyone has different desires, it’s important you show your partner exactly how you, personally, like to be touched before and during your orgasm. You should also give them a verbal cue to “keep going” when what they’re doing is bringing you pleasure. “You’ll likely find that your orgasms are less likely to be ruined once you start communicating more clearly and specifically,” states Dr. O’Reilly.
Madsen also emphasizes, “It's important to think of the entire body as a sexual organ — not just what's between our legs.” This can involve touching, kissing or nibbling the nipples, neck and other parts of the body. ‍
“In the BDSM community, a ruined orgasm is the practice of stimulating a partners genitals right up until the point of climax, then stopping abruptly,” sex therapist Angela Watson tells O.school. “This can either mean stopping just before an orgasm occurs, or just as ejaculation begins.” This will cause the orgasm to be less intense than it would be if stimulation continued. “In
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