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Welcome to the first instalment of my new years resolution to write you more letters. Slightly unsure of where these emails will go over the coming months, but lets just start the new year off on a classy note then shall we: How to spot a rub and tug massage parlour.
A few days before Christmas I accidentally found myself in a rub and tug joint hoping to get a legitimate massage. I so desperately needed a massage that I ignored all of the warning signs. I'd like to share them with you so you can avoid the same horrible experience I had. Or maybe you just don't have the time to wank yourself off these days and you'd like to find a place to help you "fit it all in" in your busy life.
Hot tips on how to spot a rub and tug joint:
1. Any kind of flashing neon light advertising that they're open "till late". You know the ones they look like this:
If they are bragging about how late they are open - you know it's a wank shack.
2. The receptionist asks for your money up front. It's the age old prostitution thing - always get the money up front, coz they can't take the "goods" back once they've given them to you. This receptionist had to ask me 3 times because I did not understand her question. Never in all my days have I had to pay up front for a massage: MASSIVE WARNING RIGHT THERE. Also at reception I noticed a lot of CCTV cameras. It wasn't until I was laying down that I realised "You only need CCTV when there are possibly crimes going on and people need to be identified. What kind of crimes are going on her..... Oh."
Since when do showers cost money at a massage place? Surely they are included if you want them as part of your $70 massage?
This is their way of saying "If you want us to touch your dick, please wash it first." (It really is common courtesy anyway fellas.) I like how their "No sexual services" sign can easily be covered up with a towel or something if the girl thinks the customer might be shy to ask about "extras".
4. Your masseuse comes out dressed like this:
I should have known. But all I could think was, "How can you massage all day long in such high heels and without a bra on young lady?" Yes, I'm a fool.
5. You see this when you enter the room:
Even the classiest of places I've had a massage in has NEVER provided tissues. Massive red flag if there are tissues in the room. The talc, I'm not really sure what's going on there. If you know please fill me in. Provides a better grip perhaps??
So despite the litany of warning signs I still let this chick "massage" me. It was clear she did not know how to massage after about 10 minutes. For the first time ever in a one hour massage I had to ask "How much time is left? 30 minutes was the answer. If I hadn't paid up front I would have walked out, another reason why they get you to pay up front. So I made her do my feet for the last 30 minutes. I wouldn't normally demand this in a massage but thought she's probably used to handling much gnarlier things so wouldn't mind.
So there you have it. How to spot a rub and tug joint so you can avoid it - or so you can head on in. But fellas don't forget to tip the nice lady.
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Posted by Bunsters Worldwide · January 12, 2018
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