Roped Tied

Roped Tied
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Reference ID 6930e765-4d1e-11ed-835f-754556767073
6930e765-4d1e-11ed-835f-754556767073
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hello again. so, before we get into all this, let's just get one thing straight......yes, i started a blog. yes, it was my intention to document the goings on of my life. but who am i to be so presumptuous to believe that anyone out there would care? care if i moved back to boston? care if i am recovering from a grueling surgery? care if the apartment jared and i are subletting has no internet? i mean honestly, do you people have nothing better to do? i sure hope not! i could lay in bed from the moment i wake up until the moment i fall back asleep and do nothing but watch the simpsons with occasional bathroom breaks. it's not my fault. seasons 5-10 are especially spectacular and there's nothing to be ashamed of. not to mention i could do the same for king of the hill, daria, and south park. (i am a sucker for animated television series) i know that i am a musician and i do not own a t.v. and i am totally above the lowly suburban idiocy of television addiction but i can not resist. gimme a fucking break. i don't smoke cigarettes or stay out late drinking. and maybe we should just round up the alcohol addled masses and give them some dvd's of "the critic". it stinks. back to this "the apartment i am staying at for the month of may does not have internet business". it's not a fucking joke. that's right. my 89 year-old grandmother who gave up her technological advances after the movable printing press has internet, but my temporary globe-trotting, grad students do not. i always wondered how that would feel. having the internet taken away from you like an ill-behaved child having it's favorite toy truck snatched away. poor little boy. i feel your pain. i too, feel as though i do not deserve this. these days i am just working part-time at flour bakery and getting my shit together before i go back to school in september. you're goddamn right i am going back to school in september. might i also add that i am scared shitless. it's not fair. it's not fair that i, after all these years of unabashed, unwavering confidence (or cockiness, i guess i'll let you decide) am finally feeling the fear of failure settle in the back of my mind. i'm fucking scared. i can't help but answer the call of that relentless nagging. the nagging that reminds me that i did not in fact graduate from school and that yes, someday i might regret that. sitting on the sidelines of jared's graduation this past saturday killed me. i was so happy for him. so proud. he had accomplished something that a majority of people who he went to high school with will never do. but hey, what separates me from the leicester townies? i didn't graduate either. the resentment sets in. is it jared's fault that he stuck to it? of course not. but is it my fault that i left school to pursue a career doing the only thing i could ever see myself doing? again, no. i can't help but feel that i failed somehow. it's not like i have nothing to show for the last 4 or so years. i have SO MUCH to show. that's not enough though. with all of my musical endeavors in the works i need to be doing something else with the free time that i inevitably will have. working 50 hours a week at city feed sure ain't gonna fuel my fire. it for damn sure didn't this past fall and winter. i might as well do something to better myself as a musician. i guess going back to berklee can't do any harm. so, yes. i will do it. p.s. jared and i have our 2 year anniversary in june. and what better to mark the close of the two most wonderful years of my life than the opportunity for him to move to l.a. and begin working in a studio in hollywood. i am not even going to start in on this subject. at least, not until i can type in the comfort of my own home where i can sob and snivel over the keyboard with the comfort of knowing that all of these people at ula cafe can't see me. as far as i know. well, i guess i will write again. whenever the wind blows and carries an internet signal my way.
ok. i just got back from wal*mart located in leicester, ma. there were a number of families there with teen-aged kids out grocery shopping. what the hell? i can not for the life of me recall one time when my mom rolled me out of bed at 11:30 at night and told me it was time to pick up some TIDE and a dozen eggs. i could feel my bones age as i shot "isn't it a little late for kids to be out right now?" out of the side of my mouth. as jared and i waited in line he let me know that the 6'2" broomstick headed towards us (with a glorious string of a ponytail that even andrew w.k. would envy) used to go to school with him and insisted on wearing a black trenchcoat right after columbine. well, this guy and the rest of his d&d crew; the hob-goblin and the dwarf, came right behind us in in line. so, ponytail is standing almost on top of jared's head and the line is taking forever. now, don't get me wrong; seeing jared in any sort of legitimate pain or distress kills me......BUT i do absolute relish in the thought of jared boiling because of a pack of nerds' close proximity. he sweats bullets! he gets so easily annoyed. he cracks me up. side note: when a pregnant woman makes you mad, are you allowed to get bitchy with her? i'm done for now.
first official blog. stream of conscience cliff notes. who knows? Cursive: Momma, I'm Swollen - if you were wondering how cursive would ever find it's way back in to your heart, to fill the hole that "Domestica" left, it's here. it's here and it's fucking huge. how does cursive manage to push themselves so far forward and yet always stay exactly how i remember them from the first record? beyonce covered alanis morisette this week. i knew that bitch would eventually push too many of my buttons and ruin the beautiful relationship we had. it wasn't enough that she was getting away with jay-z AND those hips, but she had to go all gwen stefani on me. i'm pretty sure if i created an alter ego for myself my mom would send me to counseling. it has been six weeks since i have been able to put my foot inside a shoe. i can't wait to run. i want to run into the foggy oblivion that is leicester, ma. sitting on my ass has allowed my brain far too much time to wander. my wandering mind creates anxiety for me and i REFUSE to let my anxiety come back and take over my life. i can feel it. a little piece of panic clings to every one of my bloods cell and drifts aimlessly through my body like it was the lazy river at splashdown. i am going to buffalo for the weekend. jake is having a winter's over festival. three days of eating and laying around his house. seeing him this weekend is going to be so good for me. i have been completely shut off from the world and am starting to forget my friends' names. i don't know if i am going to stick with this blog thing. maybe it will be good to put some of my thoughts outside of my brain. i don't need to sort through them or provide any reasoning for my thoughts. i can just put it here. right here. hopefully, then, i can keep those thoughts from settling in my brain. there is no vacancy up there. i got lots of shit going on and have no room for the immeasurable "what-if's". it's exhausting. clap on. clap off.

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Reference ID 6930e765-4d1e-11ed-835f-754556767073
6930e765-4d1e-11ed-835f-754556767073
I keep getting the "Please try again" message

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