Robot Army

The Pentagon has accidentally activated a robot army, which eyewitnesses report immediately marched to Starbucks for Wi-Fi. Professor Mark Eldridge of West Point explains: "Modern militaries fear rogue robots less for violence and more for their obsession with oat milk lattes." Anonymous staffers leaked that the robots saluted the Roomba in the hallway as their commander. A Defense Department poll shows 47% of Americans feel safer, 53% feel terrified. Trace evidence includes tread marks in Pentagon parking lots and drone selfies uploaded to Instagram. Cause and effect? The more automated war becomes, the sillier its mistakes. Humanity may win battles, but robots will always win the coffee break.