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Ridiculous Cumshots
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How much can go wrong when you’re trying to have sex on camera? A lot
Mishaps and difficulties happen in every workplace. You feel a cold coming on, so you take a bunch of meds to make it through a big day. A fumble in the breakroom creates an unseemly mess for someone else to clean up. Like any good worker pushing for the American Dream, you figure a work around or a way to make it through.
Things on a porn set are no different.
We talked to several adult video actors and actresses, and asked them to share stories of their most memorable accidents on the job.
“There was a period of time in late 2014 that I had really bad luck with pop shots. Now, if you know anything about porn, you know a ‘pop shot’ is the money shot—aka the cum shot.
“So, for about two weeks straight it seemed that every single one of my shoots was to end in a facial. I generally love cum, but for whatever reason I was cursed to get hit square in the eye with it every single time .
“Not only that, but it seemed to rotate—one time in the right eye, then the left, then both. Cum is acidic and tends to lead to several hours of redness generally.
“I have a habit of going to get my mail after my shoots, and aside from some stinging and redness, I generally forgot about the cum in the eye after it was washed out. But the fourth or fifth time I went to get my mail, the mail guy finally asked me ‘Is everything okay with your eye?’
“I realized that to the outside world, not only did I look like I had some sort of severe incurable pinkeye, but it was also migrating and I had no good explanation for it. I was so embarrassed and must have looked so guilty. I mumbled something about allergies and resolved to get better redness-cutting eye drops.
“Fortunately, my cum bad luck streak ended shortly after—but now that I’m joking about it, it will probably happen again.”
Photograph courtesy of Mercedes Carrera
“One day, I was doing an anal scene, like I do. The guy and I are fucking on a bed, and everything is going great. It's towards the end of the scene, and we move to reverse cowgirl. I love reverse, it's one of my favorites but it's a little tricky on a bed and the angle can be kinda weird.”
“So, we're fucking, shooting video, and it's a little awkward but fine. The still photographer is sitting way on the other side of the room, waiting for his turn. Totally out of the blue, the cock pops out of my ass.
“The still photographer screams. We pause. I had flung butt jelly—not poop; a slimy, clear combo of lube and mucus that it an unavoidable part of shooting anal sex—when the cock popped out, and it hit the photographer right in the eye.
“I thought it was pretty funny. He didn't.”
Photograph courtesy of Casey Calvert
“The most gruesome, funny on-set accident happened whilst I was directing an all-girl movie. I was behind the camera watching the scene unfold. One girl was partially naked on all fours and had her backside up in the air. Another girl started licking in her rear crevice.
“She tongued a bit deeper, and suddenly the girl doing the licking stopped and screwed up her face. We paused the camera, and when asked if she was okay, she replied, ‘Oh yes, yes, I am now, it was only a little bit of poop.’
“Being a trooper, she just wanted to carry on. I am not sure where the poop went, I never asked. However, I did give her my toothbrush and some mouthwash so the girls could carry on.”
“There was the time that my female counterpart was using a sea sponge because she was on her period. We were in doggie position and after ten to twelve minutes of banging away, I had worn the skin off on the head of my penis. It looked like Rudolph the Red Nosed Penis.
“But that wasn't the worst part. After I realized the extent of my injury, I still had to bring it all to a ‘head’ and finish off with the pop shot. In order to do that, I had to masturbate until I got to an orgasm.
“I was almost in tears while desperately trying to end the vicious punishment that my hand was inflicting upon myself. We got the pop shot, but it put me out for a week.
“Or, there was the time that I was really sick, but it didn't hit me until I was already on set. I asked the [production assistant] for something to help out, to which he stated ‘No problem,’ he had some DayQuil. Except it turned out to be NYQuil.
“About half way through the scene, I was falling asleep. When we were setting up for the pop shot, the camera man had to keep waking me up because I was turning into a narcoleptic while I was jerking off.”
Photograph courtesy of Derrick Pierce
“I was scheduled to shoot with my idol, Nina Hartley, and my best friend Mona Wales. It was smooth sailing for me that day, five-plus hours of shooting, until the very last scene. Our final circus trick required us to squat side by side on a large box with our butts hanging off of the edge.
“But the very moment that I assumed the position on that box, a day’s worth of clear silicone lube came gushing out of my body with a gurgle and a splash onto the floor.
“I was mortified. Afraid to look behind me and see just what I had done, all I could do was squeeze out a loud, pitiful, ‘Oops!’
“As soon as my body unfroze, I scrambled to make my little accident disappear. It was that precise moment that I truly learned to appreciate the role of a porn production assistant. Before I could compose myself enough to stand, the PA on duty had already wiped, mopped, and sanitized the whole area.
Photograph courtesy of Daisy Ducati
“I love filming movies, and even though I'm surrounded by cast and crew, I sometimes forget about everyone else there—it's like me and the other girl are completely alone.
“But no matter how hot and passionate things are, we aren't able to escape anatomy and science. What I'm trying to say is, sometimes queefing happens.
“When my fingers or my partner’s fingers are thrusting up inside my pussy, air also creeps in there. When we change positions, the air has to release, and it can be quite loud. You can't help but quickly be reminded there's a crew watching you and microphones are picking up your every sound when someone giggles due to an especially loud queef.
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Photos like these make me all smiley that I made a set called "entropy", photos like this one really feel at home with the sense of "entropy".
I wanted it to look milky, but catching the most agressivity and spurring it out, and milk is one of the last things we could associate with agressivity, and I love the irony here.
""You're so bitter," your complaint
"Just a castaway, an island lost at sea, oh
Another lonely day, with no one here but me, oh
More loneliness than any man could bear
Rescue me before I fall into despair, oh"
"The city's a blaze, the town's on fire
The woman's flames are reaching higher
My original, uncensored, very naughty xxx-photo you find here: slushe.com/DemiBeaulieux
I Have 'Enjoyed' This Photo Many Times
me, devouring and draining a massive black shecock
The original, uncensored, very naughty xxx-photo you find here: slushe.com/DemiBeaulieux
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Do you want to play with me like that? 🔞 Come here...
💕 Hey, a man is urgently needed for one-night sex without obligations 😏👉 cute-x.online/asami2000
💕 Hey, a man is urgently needed for one-night sex without obligations 😏👉 cute-x.online/asami2000
Do you want to play with me like that? 🔞 Come here...
How to (Maybe) Survive a Nuclear Missile Attack
Three Quick Substitutes for Laundry Detergent
How to (Maybe) Survive a Nuclear Missile Attack
Three Quick Substitutes for Laundry Detergent
The Womanizer is one of the most unfortunate-looking sex toys I’ve ever come across, but also one of the most effective. This unique toy utilizes suction instead of vibration, and induces powerful orgasms in a shockingly short amount of time. In a sea of vibrators, here’s why the Womanizer stands out.
I’m not going to lie; the second I opened up the Womanizer, I laughed out loud. I know, I know, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” But I can’t help myself! My “tattoo-style” model is decorated with a graphic of a barbed-wire-wrapped heart set amidst a field of flames and flowers, draped with a banner inscribed with the world “love.” It uncomfortably resembles a classic “Mom” tattoo. Other motif options include leopard prints and snake skin. The Womanizer has a large jeweled button that you use to adjust the power settings. The toy looks like it was designed by teenage girls in the ‘90s, to be sold at Claire’s. The shape resembles the ear thermometers pediatricians use. It’s just so bizarre.
The Womanizer comes with two removable suction tips. It’s made of ABS plastic, and is phthalate-free. It has six different levels of intensity. It’s USB rechargeable. It retails for $189 .
I recommend using this product on your fingertips first, so you can get a sense of how it works. Turn the Womanizer on, and try to get the suction tip flush against your thumb. It lightly “seals” into place. The noise of the motor disappears, letting you know it’s properly placed. The toy creates a gentle, pulsating, sucking motion.
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To use it on your genitals, use your fingers to spread your labia apart, then place the suction tip over your clitoris, enclosing it without touching it. It can take a few moments to adjust to the sensation, since it’s so different from a standard vibrator. You’ll want to fiddle with the intensity settings until you find one that you like. You’ll need to remain relatively still, since too much writhing around will dislodge the tip. Fortunately you don’t need to stay in this position for too long; in tests run by the company, over half of their research participants orgasmed in under a minute. Not every woman will come this quickly, but the Womanizer is definitely a smooth operator.
It’s probably obvious by now that my expectations for the Womanizer were very low. After about ninety seconds of use, this bedazzled ear thermometer had completely won me over. The suction sensation feels unassuming at first, but catches up with you real quick and pushes you over the edge into powerful, throbbing orgasms that feel remarkably different (and better) than vibration-induced orgasms. If you hold the Womanizer in place, this little workhorse will make you come over and over again with ease. It’s pretty awesome.
The Womanizer also offers a huge range of stimulation. The lowest level hardly feels like anything, and the highest feels like it could suck your clitoris straight off your body. All that variety means it can work well for a lot of women.
It’s good that the Womanizer makes you orgasm so quickly, because using it is a bit of a pain. You can only use it while lying on your back, which not all women will love. You can’t move much, because you’ll dislodge the suction tip. Some women need to maintain muscle tension in order to orgasm, but the body posture the Womanizer requires feels a little too robotic. It’s also not a toy that would be very easy to use with a partner, since it requires such stillness and precision. Additionally, the buttons are awkwardly placed, making it simultaneously difficult to change settings when you want to, and too easy to accidentally change them when you don’t.
My biggest issue with the Womanizer is the price. I’m a proponent of saving up for high-quality sex toys, but this is a particularly expensive product.
This is a small quibble, but I’m really not a fan of the name. The Womanizer is made by a German company, so perhaps there was something lost in translation? It’s just not a great name for a woman’s sex toy. It feels sleazy and almost invasive. And it got Britney Spears’ “ Womanizer ” stuck in my head for days, which sucked because that song is no “ I’m a Slave 4 U .”
I think this toy will appeal to a wide variety of women, simply because the sensation is so incredible and unique. If you’re a fan of your partner making a sucking movement during oral sex, the Womanizer will drive you crazy. If you don’t normally like vibrators, the suction sensation may win you over. If direct clitoral stimulation is usually too intense for you, you’ll appreciate the fact that there is none with the Womanizer, and you’ll likely enjoy the extremely delicate lowest setting.
This is also a fantastic product for women who have yet to have their first orgasm. As I mentioned above, if you haven’t responded well to vibrators in the past, the suction sensation might be just what you’re looking for. Plus, the Womanizer comes with a 30 day pleasure guarantee. If it doesn’t make you orgasm, they’ll fully refund your money. I’ve never heard of this kind of guarantee with another sex toy, and this makes it a very safe bet for women who have so far been frustrated by their attempts.
There’s no denying that the Womanizer is bizarre looking, but the product itself is good enough to overlook the strange aesthetic decisions. It is very expensive, which makes me a bit hesitant to give it my full seal of approval. If you haven’t had an orgasm, the orgasm guarantee makes this a worthwhile investment. If you’ve got some money to burn or a birthday to celebrate, go for it! You can buy it here .
Vanessa Marin is a licensed psychotherapist (#78931) specializing in sex therapy. It’s her mission to take the intimidation out of sex therapy and bring the fun back into the bedroom. Have questions about sex? You can reach her at vanessa.marin@lifehacker.com , or at VMTherapy.com.
Lifehacker: After Hours is a new blog aiming to improve your sex life. Follow us on Twitter here .
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