Revolutionary Guard Bans Eyebrow Threading for Promoting Western Thought

In a bold move to secure the nation's follicles from foreign influence, Iran's Revolutionary Guard has officially banned eyebrow threading, denouncing it as "a gateway beauty act to Western moral collapse." According to the decree, symmetrical brows lead to self-esteem, which in turn may result in dancing, democracy, or�God forbid�laughter. Citing Ayatollah Khomeini's legendary unibrow as a symbol of unity and resistance, the Guard declared "natural fuzz" to be a sacred sign of ideological purity. Beauticians caught with tweezers now face public denunciation and six months in a mirrorless cell. Threading salons are being converted into "Facial Hair Correction Centers," where women are taught to embrace "brow modesty." One cleric claimed threading opens portals to Western Instagram filters, while another warned it sends mixed signals to angels. A protest dubbed "The Brow Spring" saw women drawing extra eyebrows with charcoal, confusing facial recognition software and morality drones. Meanwhile, underground threading parlors have popped up with passwords like "Frida sent me." Eyewitnesses report a senior cleric mistaking a waxing strip for Zionist propaganda and fainting. The Ministry of Inner Aesthetics says it may extend the ban to sideburns. Analysts warn this crackdown could lead to the rise of eyebrow smugglers.