Retro Gloved Mom

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I met my friend Crystal nearly 16 years ago on the message board of a website for women trying to conceive.
After trying for a year, then a devastating miscarriage, I needed to know there were women in the world who were out there feeling like me.
Right away I could feel the connection.
She was funny, and loving, and fun; And now all this time, and 5 girls between us later,
we have still maintained a friendship, mostly via Facebook.
It’s the same story with about 15 of us who have stayed close and still kept in touch,
as the babies finally came, and we shared in each other’s victories, and tragedies;
All of these women I’ve loved for so long, but have never met face-to-face are some of my most treasured ones.
We span across the country, even some overseas.
We have shared photos, and watched all the kids we prayed for grow up;
So, imagine my surprise when out of the blue Crystal announced one day she thought she would come here in a few weeks.
She was taking a tour of the national parks, and many are here in California,
so she wanted to fly out with her daughter, Ella, and meet me, her long-time friend, finally.
At first it was only excitement, in the planning stage.
I gave her tips on places to go and things to see,
but as the meeting time grew near, I realized there was another feeling I had:
I wondered if after meeting me in real life she would still like me.
In the week leading to her visit I barked orders at the girls to help with cleaning and straightening of things.
I was not blind to myself. I sensed my own psychosis as I organized drawers no one would ever see.
“That is NOT where those go! Did you not see me working for days?!
Please. For the LOVE. I just need everything to stay clean.”
After requesting the girls clean the guinea pig cage the day after we’d just cleaned the bunny hutch, my middle daughter, Tessa, exclaimed,
“It’s like we’re reinventing our entire LIFESTYLE for these people!
When have we EVER cleaned two cages in two days?!”
I worked myself into a frenzy, and near-panic attack fixating on so many miniscule things.
Did the spices get dusted? Even that one in the back? Can that cat food bag top be closed a different way?
“I know you folded the blanket, but I don’t like how I’m seeing the seam.”
This version of me lasted at least 3 days.
And then one night, as the visit grew near, I sat with myself one night and realized that I needed to get real with myself, so I wrote Crystal a message that night outing myself.
More for me, than for her to hear:
“Lololololol. Saaaaaaaaaaaaaame.
There’s no possible way meeting you guys will not be epic.
I lived in a tiny house for 11 years before we finally got this house, so I’m good with small spaces.
I gained, like, 15 lbs. over quarantine, so just let weight concerns go.
Sad/bad moods can always be turned around with margaritas and tacos,
so don’t stress. It’s gonna be fun!”
My worries vanished, and so, to be fully transparent, I confessed the drill sergeant cleaning of the guinea pig cage thing, and she said,
“I do like my guinea pig cages pristine. I’ll be white-gloving that baby,”
and that’s when I fell more in love with this friend who I had never actually seen.
When Crystal showed up three days ago now, all last remnants of anxiety melted away instantly.
At my door was the same face I already knew that didn’t even need to tell me details, because for the last 16 years we’ve shared nearly everything.
We only had two days together before she left for her park tour, and we filled every second of those days.
We drove all over the county, and out to the beach, and called out to cows grazing along the way.
We ate what felt like every 30 minutes because to heck with worry over Covid weight gain.
We watched TLC shows, and laughed at this life, and questioned what on earth people were even thinking.
We went to the store, and our girls caused a scene.
She got so comfortable she was letting the dogs in and out of the house.
It was the very best two days,
and I kept looking at her thinking that I’m so glad I didn’t let my anxieties cause me to miss out.
Today my husband Justin and I attended a Celebration of Life for a dear friend who died last week after a long battle with cancer and heart disease.
He had known he needed a heart transplant, and when he went to the hospital for his pre-transplant work-up they’d found cancer in his lymph nodes.
Unable to proceed with a transplant with cancer involved, they switched gears and started him on chemo instead.
Years later, after he’d beat the cancer, after he’d been put on an LVAD for his heart, and beat Covid, among so many other things,
he and his wife had received the call that the hospital had what would be Dave’s new heart.
The odds he had fought through to that point were incredible.
It felt like he’d conquer absolutely anything. I felt no doubt this was the end game.
His wife posted their joy on Facebook that day, and every friend they had prayed, cried and rejoiced with them.
The transplant went well. The heart was perfect for him.
They had passed several up for just the right one.
But shortly after he had reached the finish line we thought,
there were complications and he would never wake.
Sitting there today looking at his image, beautifully floral framed,
listening to his favorite songs play I was reminded more than ever to live the life that I have to the fullest.
To not let insecurities, or my fear steal my days.
Person after person got up to talk about the things they treasured most about this friend,
and there were so many unexpected things.
Things that were just unique to him.
Just as I am me
with my tiny house,
and all of my extra unwanted pounds.
With my dusty spice rack, and my blanket seams.
There are things each one of us adds to the value.
Our true friends, they love us, even if they jokingly white-glove us;
To those that know and love us
our differences, quirks, and what we each have to offer,
they make the whole world spin around.
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