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Comment deleted by user · 5 yr. ago
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Reaching out for a little advice from the community... My girlfriend (26F) and I (26M) have been together in a monogamous relationship for a little over two years and she has insisted on only anal + oral since we started having sex.
We have talked about having vaginal sex and agreed that hormonal bc is not an option. Non-latex condoms would be the next reasonable thought but that discussion brings hesitation with breakage, failure rate etc. She gets off on toys and fingers but will not do PIV due to her concern of getting preg (nothing medically wrong, no history of abuse, mentally sound etc.). The confusing part is that she loves to rub and tease the head of my bare penis all over her labia and vag opening without full penetration (but pretty close!) AND have unprotected anal sex.
I know I may come off a little bit selfish being a straight Male with natural desires, expressing that I would like to partake in PIV protected sex with my SO. Her actions and reasoning are contradicting which lead to dead end discussions with the closing words of "...one day I will want to" however in the end I of course respect her choices. I am comfortable with our current sex life, but often left desiring PIV intimacy.
She has a Catholic upbringing (I'm sure this has a lot to do with it but it goes unsaid), but definitely educated / informed enough to make smart choices.
Seeking a little clarity, other points of view, or intelligent insight...
I'm thinking a little bit of both, there are some mental barriers in place due to upbringing, but she has only discussed fears of pregnancy as the main topic of discussion...
Non-hormonal IUD is an option just not a very effective one imo (this + condom would make sense but she is not 100% on having a device inside her). As far as "accidents" go (we are pretty body aware), we would keep the baby (yeah trust me I'm right there with you on the logic), but this statistically this very low with current activities and ejaculation ONLY outside of the body.
TL;DR - She is so focused on the failure rate of condoms (preferred method) but OK with the risks of P to V contact, and anal.
My biggest worry would be that if pregnancy really is her concern, you're only ever going to get piv sex when you're actively trying to get pregnant. So 2 weeks of piv, boom pregnant, no more piv until menopause. I think you need to really get to the bottom of whether this is a lifestyle choice for her that she plans to continue and for how long, what are the rules under which you will get piv. If those rules aren't acceptable to you then it's time to part ways.
I think you need to really get to the bottom of whether this is a lifestyle choice for her that she plans to continue
This is a good focus point, and topic of conversation! Yes, the "social acceptance" of an anal-only lifestyle may play a big role in this as well I have considered this. I would be thrilled if that was the case and it was said with confidence but... we have discussed options for PIV bc, and engaged in some pretty "risky" (in terms of pregnancy) behavior.
It is shaping up to be a mix of personal vs. religious vs. pharma vs. what is socially acceptable... I don't want to force the issue for personal gain, but I do want to aid in the discovery process.
Well that's not entirely true. After our 3rd kid I got a vasectomy. Effectively zero risk of a 4th pregnancy now.
My girlfriend and I take a combined approach to birth control that mixes fertility awareness, pulling out, and condoms. First thing is to get a charting thermometer , which tracks her daily temp (each morning at a similar time) and can be used for identifying when she ovulates. This is used in conjunction with an app (e.g. "Fertility Friend"), and together you'll get a chart showing when she ovulates each month. Once you build up a few months of data, you'll get a sense of how reliable her period is (something she/you might already know). It basically lets you bin days into "fertile days" and "infertile days". You want to make sure no semen or pre-cum goes anywhere near her pussy on a fertile day or in the seven days before a fertile day. This is because the upper limit of sperm surviving inside the woman is 7 days (and this is the highest estimate). This will help your anal/vaginal play be done with less risk of pregnancy.
So how does this work in practice each month?
On the day she starts her period, you have about two weeks 'til she ovulates, which means you have one week of no-risk sex ahead of you. Frustratingly, the period itself can take about a week, but if she's mostly done after 4 days, then you can have sex on days 5/6/7. The first "risky" day depends on when she typically ovulates; if it's consistently on or after day 14, you're safe 'til day 8. If she usually ovulates earlier in her cycle, then you move back that first risky day. Ovulation on day 12 = start using a condom/pulling-out/abstaining on day 5. If you're curious about less-messy sex during her period (literally zero chance of pregnancy if her cycle is not insanely weird), consider these sponges .
The other safe window starts after you've confirmed ovulation. Her temperature will shoot up around day 12-18, and it will stay consistently high until she gets her period. The thermometer must show three sustained "high" temperatures in a row, and once this has been observed, you're cleared for risk-free sex for all the days 'til her period begins.
Since condoms give a ~90% protection, and pulling out is ~90% effective, to bring your risk as low as possible, you have to do both on fertile days (and the week preceding them, because sperm can survive for days). My girlfriend and I are OK with being "just" 99% safe on those risky days, so we have sex with condoms & pulling out. On the non-risky days, we still use condoms or I pull out. Still 99% safe since fertility awareness is also ~90% effective. My semen never goes into my girlfriend's vagina.
For you and your girlfriend, you'll want to be ultra safe since you're not open to abortion like we are. Only have sex on "safe" days and use a condom and pull out. The risk of pregnancy with this approach will be much lower than the risky behavior you're currently engaging in.
Good luck, and I'll be happy to answer any questions.
Edit: just saw your other comment about her cycle being unpredictable. I'd still recommend you try tracking for a few months - her ovulation temp spike could be consistently obvious (but on wildly differing days), making things less hard to track than you might expect. As long as she's not having super short cycles, you should be good to have sex right after her period. It sounds like a lot of her practices are more focused on avoiding birth control (b/c god hates pleasure?) than anything else, so maybe the whole situation is already decided for her. Stop the risky play if you guys don't want a baby yet, though...
Yeah I agree about avoiding bc in an unspoken religious reason type of way. It's a hard balance as I personally would have to work on sharing and educating vs. sounding like a parent... or just calling her out in a more direct manner and not worrying about ego & how I come across.
I guess coming to terms with myself and just approaching the issue needs to be done. But then the other side of the coin is that hey being anal-only was THE solution / loophole... though she does show interest in entertaining the idea possibly by processing what "could make it ok for her to do so."
The vagina is no more natural than the anus. Just as some people abstain from anal or oral, others abstain from vaginal. The anal-only lifestyle is becoming mainstream as an alternative to pregnancy worries, the expense of contraceptive drugs and devices, and religious or cultural angst over the use of the vajayjay.
Agreed. When communicated this is totally a lifestyle.
In my particular case there are times when its not "anal-only" creating some grey lines between bc beliefs, personal perspectives, and rebellion against pharma drugs and devices. Most of which I agree with, yet it creates a very confusing psychological aspect.
Sounds like religious decision to me... Talk to her about it.
If your GF really is having anal sex instead of PIV because of religion it's pretty fucked up on her part to try to find a loop hole in her religion so she can do what she wants to do....I would say whatever god she believes in would be more pissed that she tried to trick the system rather than just making straight forward mistakes.
If because of religion, yes I agree it's a messed up mindset... However THAT opens up a whole other door of psychological exploration in terms of logic and our current state of activities, I feel part of the reason it is not directly said is because of the foresight that logic / research is not going to be friendly to her choices so queue in the "organic" bc talks because there seem to be issues about 90% of them.
Ass is the new pussy. Anal sex best sex.
If she is okay with anal, maybe she isn't that devoutly Catholic after all. I'm not sure if the Scripture contains any straightforward policy on that, but somehow I've always thought anal is a definite thou-shalt-not with truly religious folks.
I think it's a fear of pregnancy. Maybe you both should consider devising a safe birth control strategy involving a combination of multiple methods.
I find it really odd when so called religious people do things in a sneaky way or try to find loop holes in their religions so they can do what they want. If their god truly existed I think they would be pretty pissed that about someone trying to trick the system.
Thank God. My wife was excommunicated and I quit listening to preachers ;) (I hope ya get a laugh from this)
Just enjoy the anal only lifestyle. Vaginal is overrated anyway, a girlfriend who wants to be anal and oral only with you is miles ahead of most, and you're a very lucky guy. Don't try to find some way of changing her, she is most likely very eager to be anal only and that's a great thing.
Just tell her that you're happy to be anal only with her but if you're going to be anal only, that means anal only, and no more rubbing your penis over her vaginal entrance.
I wish my wife would let me fuck her arse!
That's not remotely true. You can have anal sex every single day for your entire adult life and never have a problem—and many people do.
The BEST form of male contraception in my opinion and this is from experience is testosterone. My Mrs gets pregnant so quickly when I'm not on testosterone, when I am on testosterone, it's nion impossible for her to get pregnant.
Obviously not all men want to go down that exogenous pathway but I think the topic is starting to gather attention.
Your Mrs could play ball a bit though, I mean if your protected and such why is it such a big deal?
She clearly gets off on Anal play, which is awesome, however "she gets off on it" isn't exactly fair if your desires cant be met?
The talk is needed, good luck fella 👌
Goddamn that's hot, I wish I had a girl that only wanted it in the pooper
Make her happy bro if she wants anal, di it and go Hardcore

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