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Reddit Bdsm
A place for advice on topics relating to BDSM. r/ BDSMAdvice
Advice getting into a Dom headspace.
Did something fucked up just happen to me
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So I (29M) am in a long term monogamous relationship with my partner (25F). We've been struggling to connect sexually, mainly because she requires a Dom/sub relationship to get aroused, and I have a lot of trouble getting into the Dom headspace. Read a bunch on here but first time posting.
Overall my natural tendencies are definitely vanilla, though I'm really open to it. We have had some success with getting into it on occasion, and we've both had a really good time when the scene works out, though I'd say like 80% of the time I just have trouble switching my brain into domming and it's been leading to frustration and disappointment. Either the sex ends up being "cutesy and vanilla" which works for me but not her (she feels unsatisfied and I feel guilty about it), or sometimes the bdsm is "purely mechanical" -- that is we play with ropes and restraint but emotionally the Dom/Sub relationship and passion aren't there.
I think part of the trouble is that I get aroused when we're doing cutesy things like cuddling, and try transition those to sex (leading to a weird moment where it's hard to switch mindset). I feel like it would be easier for me to get into the mindset if we "decided to have sex" and set up a scene more, but that kinda kills all the spontaneously, and I think we both prefer sex being a spontaneous moment of passion.
Recently we tried playing with a tail plug for the first time -- and my brain immediately went into a "good/bad kitty" roleplay -- which was veeeery cutesy and ended up being a huge turn off for my partner.
I did read this sub a bit and saw a lot of "well you're just incompatible" responses to people who default to vanilla like I do, but I don't really buy that, given that we have had instances of really great sex that we both enjoyed -- and once it started it flowed really naturally. I just struggle to get my head in the space where I can initiate/lead into that, and with her being the sub, she wants to be lead into that by me.
Okay so I’m not quite sure what kink this is.
I like when guys have short tempers (more specifically kinda like raging while gaming) or they go on a long rant. I just fantasize about how all that pent up frustration can be used towards me. So I get pounded with much more force letting out their anger into me :)
I’m only now processing everything that happened to me tonight after getting home and telling my roommate about it. I want to ask the community for their thoughts on this, because one half of me is telling me that it’s my fault/nothing that bad happened, and the other half (and my friends) are telling me that something really fucked up just happened. Trigger warning for (maybe?) lack of consent.
I met a guy on Hinge. We talked for about a week and I was very intrigued by him. He responded quickly and seemed very interested in getting to know me. Really thoughtful and intelligent responses compared to most men my age (I’m 23F). We talked about kinks and established that he’s dominant and I’m submissive, and that we wanted to explore that. We met for the first time at a restaurant tonight. It went alright and I decided I did want to go home with him. He asked, I said yes. First thing I noticed was a copy of 50 shades on his dresser and a crop hanging on his wall. I wish I’d just left then because… gross. Not necessarily the crop but the 50 shades, lol. I should’ve realized the red flag of a Christian Grey wannabe. But I kept going and that feels stupid now. We started having sex and that was fine but then he took out some under-the-bed wrist restraints. He didn’t really say much. He definitely didn’t ask. It kept going and he took out a spreader bar. He didn’t ask again, just put me in it, but I let him. I just wish I’d had a safe word. Some kind of conversation before hand. Because I would’ve said I didn’t want to go that far on the first time, because I’ve never gone that far before. There were several times during that I wished I’d had a safe word, but I didn’t, and I almost just told him to stop, but I didn’t. So that’s on me.
My friends really think this guy is a creep and my roommate told me she’s just relieved I got home safe. That shook me maybe because I’m minimizing it, but I didn’t think I was in danger there - just that I was uncomfortable diving so deep without talking about it first. But looking back, isn’t that the cardinal rule of this stuff? Asking for consent? Several times? Establishing a safe word?
I (F20 domme) have been interested in bdsm for a while, and even though I probably won’t actively seek out a partner yet I was wondering about this. I did read/hear about doms/dommes plan out the play beforehand sometimes? I’m quite clueless.
I thought I knew more sexy rock songs than I actually do lol. I don’t want any soft love making songs either. I need dirty grungy stuff. Please and thank you. 😁🤘🏾
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