Really Teens Sex

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Really Teens Sex
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We humans

What teens really want to know about sex
Sep 26, 2014


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Al Vernacchio


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On the first day of my Sexuality and Society class, I don’t pass around anatomy drawings. I don’t hand out pamphlets about safer sex, although those are stacked on a table near the door. Instead, the first thing I do is establish ground rules. People should speak for themselves, laughter is OK, we won’t ask “personal history” questions, and we’ll work to create a community of peers who care about and respect one another. Only then can we get to work.
I’m all about context. Talking about sexuality, intimacy, relationships, and pleasure can’t be done in a vacuum.
In the back corner of my classroom is an old shoebox with a hole cut into the top of it. Next to the box are scraps of paper and some pencils. This is the Question Box, a place where kids can drop any question they have about human sexuality. I answer the questions both during class time and on a blog I maintain at school.
Here are some actual questions from students and my answers to them. I haven’t done any fancy editing; these are the questions just as the kids asked them. They run the gamut from innocent to downright technical. My answers are exactly as I gave them, to show how even a simple question allows for both information and value clarification to be offered in response. Here goes:
There are two ways to answer this question. From the biological perspective, sex feels good for an important evolutionary reason. If a species, like ours, is going to reproduce sexually, then there’s an advantage if that action also feels good. As I’ve often said, if sex felt like getting your tooth drilled at the dentist, people wouldn’t have it very often, and that could eventually threaten the survival of our species. Our bodies have evolved so that our genital regions, as well as many, many other parts of the body, are sensitive to sexual stimulation.
A part of the body that brings sexual pleasure when stimulated is called an erogenous zone . This does not mean just our genitals. All of us have many places on our bodies that result in sexual pleasure when stimulated. Knowing your own and your partner’s erogenous zones can lead to much more fulfilling sexual experiences. The mechanisms of sexual pleasure involve a combination of nerve impulses, blood flow, and muscle tension. To find out more about this, you might Google the phrase “human sexual response cycle” and look at the work of Masters and Johnson, two famous sex researchers who studied the body changes that happen when people get sexually excited.
WOULDN’T IT BE GREAT IF WE COULD SAY, “THE THURSDAY FOLLOWING YOUR SIXTH DATE IS THE MOST APPROPRIATE DAY TO START HAVING SEX”? OF COURSE, THAT’S NOT THE WAY IT WORKS.
The second reason sex feels good is that humans have developed the emotional capacity to feel love, intimacy, and passion. These emotional states highlight and deepen sexual pleasure.
While pleasure can exist without these emotions, it is much more significant when they are present.
When is someone emotionally and physically ready for sex?
I wish I had an answer that would be right for all people at all times, but the real answer is “it depends.” We are all unique individuals, and our relationships are all unique. Because of that, there can’t be a standard answer to this question. Wouldn’t it be great if we could say, “The Thursday following your sixth date is the most appropriate day to start having sex”? But, of course, that’s not the way it works.
EMOTIONALLY, A PERSON HAS TO BE READY TO FACE OTHER PEOPLE’S RESPONSE, POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE.
I think it’s appropriate to start being sexually active with a sweetheart (and remember: I define sexually active as being involved with someone else’s body for the purpose of giving and receiving sexual pleasure) when intimacy, commitment, and passion are established and both people have pretty equal amounts of these feelings for each other. I don’t think these things develop quickly, so I don’t think sexual activity is appropriate on a first date or early in a new relationship.
I also think people aren’t ready to become sexually active if they can’t talk about it with their partners in a serious way, and also talk about safer sex practices, contraception (if appropriate), and possible positive and negative consequences and how they’d deal with them. Emotionally, a person has to be ready to face other people’s response, positive or negative, to the sexual activity and be willing to share those emotional reactions with his or her partner.
As you can see, I think it takes a lot for a couple to be ready to engage in sexual activity. If any of the above things aren’t in place, I’d say you’re not ready.
Could you use a balloon as a condom?
Short Answer—ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! UNSAFE! UNHEALTHY! DANGER! DANGER!
Longer Answer: OK, I’m calmer now. Condoms are made to be condoms; balloons are made to be balloons. Both can be made of latex, but that doesn’t mean they’re interchangeable. You wouldn’t use a pencil eraser as a car tire even though they’re both made of rubber, would you?
If a person doesn’t feel confident enough to acquire condoms, then maybe they shouldn’t be having intercourse.
Condoms, when used correctly, are an essential tool in reducing the risk of pregnancy and STIs. They work so well because they’re designed for that purpose. No condom substitute (balloon, plastic baggie, sock—whatever) will provide the same level of protection, and some can do more harm than good. So insist on the original! Sometimes people ask about condom substitutes because they don’t know where to get condoms or are embarrassed to get them. Condoms can be purchased at any local drugstore; there are no age requirements for buying condoms and no prescriptions are necessary. Free condoms are available from many health clinics, sexual health agencies, and even some schools (although ours does not provide free condoms at this time).
Here’s an important thing to consider. If a person doesn’t feel confident enough to acquire condoms, then maybe they shouldn’t be having intercourse. Being ready for sexual intercourse means being able to handle all aspects of the situation, including protecting oneself and one’s sweetheart from unwanted consequences. Remember my rule about sexual activity—“ If you can’t look your partner in the eye and talk about it, then you can’t do it with them.” My rule for condoms is, “If you can’t take responsibility for securing condoms, then you’re not allowed to have the kind of sexual activity that calls for using condoms.”
How can you tell if a guy likes you?
I know you’re really hoping for a clear-cut answer here, but that’s just not the way it works, I’m afraid. People can react in all kinds of ways when they like you. Some people get really quiet around you. Others will make sure you notice them. Some will tease you or act annoying. Some will just silently stare at you (yes, that can feel a little creepy).
The best way to figure out if a guy likes you is to ask him ! Might it feel awkward to do that? Sure, but it’s also a way to get a clear answer. You might want to resort to the middle-school tactic of asking your friends to ask his friends if he really likes you or not, but that makes the whole thing so much more public than it needs to be. You could try using Facebook or texts to figure it out, but they’re not great ways to get clear information.
Why not try the kind of “I message” we use in class? In an I message, you describe the situation, say what you feel, and say what you want or need. Below are two different I messages you might try (or make up your own!).
#1: “I’m trying to figure something out and I could use your help. I’m feeling a bit confused about what you think of me. I’m wondering, can you be honest with me and tell me whether you like me or not?”
#2: “It’s hard for me to figure out if someone likes me or not. I’d be a lot less anxious if I knew for sure. So, I was just wondering, do you like me?”
Asking such a question might seem scary, but remember, the worst a person can say is no, and you’re absolutely strong enough to hear that and be OK. Believe it! Then go ask him.
Al Vernacchio In his 12th-grade Sexuality and Society class, Al Vernacchio speaks honestly and positively about human sexuality. He is the author of For Goodness Sex.

Experts shocked as report reveals depths of ignorance that lead many to unsafe sex
Denis Campbell , social affairs correspondent
Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning
© 2022 Guardian News & Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. (modern)
Eight out of 10 teenagers lose their virginity when they are drunk, feeling pressurised into having sex or are not using contraception, a survey has revealed.
The research, conducted by the Trust for the Study of Adolescence, will alarm government ministers, who are concerned that the UK has the highest rate of teenage pregnancy in western Europe and that sexually transmitted infections (STIs), such as chlamydia, are found mainly in those aged 16-19.
The survey of 3,000 London secondary school pupils aged 15-18 found that:
· 39 per cent had sex for the first time when one or other partner was not equally willing
· Almost three in 10 lost their virginity for 'negative reasons', such as wanting to please a boyfriend
· 51 per cent of girls and 37 per cent of boys had had unprotected sex
· 58 per cent of girls and 39 per cent of boys had slept with someone at least once without using a condom
· Two in five wish they had waited longer before having sex
· Only 20 per cent who have sex for the first time take precautions, are in a steady relationship or feel the timing is right
Anna Martinez of the Sex Education Forum said. 'These results show that there's a lot of ignorance among young people about sex and that too many are becoming involved in high-risk sexual behaviour before they have had the chance to learn about issues such as how to resist pressure from partners, friends and the media to have sex. Schools , parents and professionals are failing young people by not giving them adequate support and information.'
The trust's report, carried out for the Naz sexual health project in west London, reveals for the first time how sexual attitudes and experiences vary between ethnic groups. While 80 per cent of all the teenagers surveyed were 'not sexually competent' the first time they had sex, that figure rose to 93 per cent for boys of black-Caribbean origin, for example. And 32 per cent of boys of black African origin did not use contraception when they first had sex, compared to 10 per cent of white British pupils and 18 per cent of interviewees overall.
Many of those from ethnic minority backgrounds knew little about about how to prevent and identify the symptoms of STIs, and black Caribbean young men were more likely than others to have risky sex.
Bryan Teixeira, chief executive of the Naz project, said many young people from ethnic minority backgrounds ended up confused about sex because, while their parents often have traditional views, sex was discussed openly at school. Boys and young men were a particular problem, said Teixeira, as they were more likely to indulge in risky sexual behaviour and to have more partners than girls.
Although few places have as many pupils from an ethnic minority background as the Londoners in the survey - well over half - the results paint a worrying picture of the sex lives of Britain's 5.2 million teenagers.
However, just 18 per cent of respondents had had sex before 16, the age of consent, which contradicts the impression of widespread underage sex and shows no increase on statistics from previous studies.
The report's call for Sex and Relationships Education to be made compulsory in schools to help tackle what Teixeira calls 'widespread knowledge gaps' and to help pupils ensure their sexual welfare, was backed by CosmoGIRL magazine, which has been running a high-profile Just Say Know campaign.
Editor Celia Duncan said: 'Some of the findings in this report are shocking and underline the case for all secondary school pupils to be taught not just about how to create a baby, but also about how to handle a guy who is pressurising you to have sex.
'There are too many myths bandied about in the playground, such as 'you can't get pregnant your first time'. If pupils remain ignorant about sex, the consequences will be higher rates of STIs and unwanted pregnancies.'
A £50m Department of Health advertising campaign promoting responsible sex is due to start this autumn.
· Bethany Cole, a 16-year-old schoolgirl from Buckingham, thinks there is still not enough sex education.
'Most people I know haven't had sex yet and didn't have sex before turning 16. They don't care about breaking the law as they think no one will find out. Some male friends joke about sex and say that they've 'had it', but I suspect much of that is just male bravado. Me and my girlfriends do talk about sex; for example, if someone has had sex for the first time with a new boyfriend, or asks us if she can catch a sexually transmitted infection from something she did at the weekend. But my friends are pretty responsible, and use condoms, for example.
I'm lucky. I got a lot of sex education at school. Our form tutor gave one lesson over to answering questions that we'd all submitted anonymously, to minimise the embarrassment, which taught me a lot. Like how you can catch a STI or know if you've got one, and how to deal with peers or boyfriends who are pressuring you to have sex.
It's crazy that many other schools, including one near mine, don't give education on sex and relationships. It should be compulsory at all secondary schools - there'd be fewer teenage pregnancies, STIs and infertility caused by people leaving an STI untreated.
Some people say that if you teach young people about sex they'll be more likely to do it. But I've been taught about the dangers of smoking since I was 12 and haven't been tempted to try that. Proper sex education clues you up.'

By Kara Wahlgren Published: Nov 13, 2017
This content is imported from youTube. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.
Things LGBTQ+ People Wish Their Parents Knew
Kara Wahlgren is a New Jersey-based freelance writer specializing in health, entertainment, and personal finance.
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Glossing over sex ed isn't good for anyone.
Let's be real — the amount of actual "ed" in sex ed classes can be pretty sketchy. Some schools don't even have formal sexual education, and others teach an abstinence-only curriculum that skips over info about birth control methods and STI protection, which isn't exactly helpful. (In fact, research has shown that teens who get comprehensive sexual education — with all the nitty-gritty details — actually had a significantly lower risk of pregnancy than those who didn't.)
The more informed you are, the more likely you'll make smart decisions — so if your school's sex ed program is seriously lacking , you'll probably need to fill in the gaps. "It's really important for teens to take control of their own sex ed, because you can never assume what you're getting is comprehensive sexual education," says Judith Simms-Cendan, MD, a board-certified gynecologist specializing in pediatric and adolescent gynecology at the Arnold Palmer Hospital in Orlando. Here are a few things you need to know (even if you're nowhere near feeling ready to do the deed).
1. It's normal to be interested in sex — or not.
You're not weird if you're into it before your friends are — or if you literally could not care less about it. " You decide when you want to be sexually active," Dr. Simms-Cendan says. Not your partner. Not your crew. YOU.
In other words, it's not just vaginal intercourse — sexual activity includes just about any kind of intimate contact. "That could be kissing on the lips; touching intimate parts of the body with the hands, mouth, or penis; or vaginal or anal penetration," says Sarah Yamaguchi, MD, an OB/GYN at Good Samaritan Hospital in Los Angeles, CA. So when your doctor asks about your sexual history, any of the above is fair game. And it's important to be honest, so they can tell you how to stay healthy and protect yourself.
3. How you define virginity is totally your call.
For some people, virginity has a cut-and-dry definition. For others, it's a flexible concept (and kind of a heteronormative term, tbh). Whatever rings true for you is fine. As far as your gyno is concerned, what you're doing is more important than how you label it. "We think of virginity as something that's really determined more by an individual and not by anybody else," Dr. Simms-Cendan says. "It's not a medical diagnosis."
It's never too late to change your mind. You're literally inches away from doing the deed? You've done "everything but"? You said you were ready, but you're having second thoughts? You've already done it, but don't want to do it again? You had sex with your last bae, but want to hold off this time? Whatever your reason is, it's valid — and totally fine to say no. "It is never too late to change your mind," Dr. Yamaguchi says. " Consent can be given and withdrawn at any point. If your partner is upset, then they are not the right person."
5. The Pill may not be the best BC for you.
The Pill is 99% effective against pregnancy if you use it perfectly — but most people don't. Under normal circumstances, it's actually closer to 91 percent effective, which sounds solid until you do the math and realize, OMG, that means around 1 in 10 Pill users get preggo each year. If you're worried you won't remember to take it at the same time each day, Dr. Simms recommends asking your doctor about long-acting reversible contraceptives like birth control implants or the IUD instead. Just keep in mind that none of the above protect against sexually transmitted infections.
Condoms can help protect you from sexually transmitted infections like HIV, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and high-risk HPV — but they're not fail-safe, and they don't protect against everything. "Condoms are not effective at preventing the transmission of herpes or warts, since those lesions can happen on an area not covered by the condom," Dr. Yamaguchi says. That's why STI testing is super-important if you're sexually active — yep, even if you're being careful.
7. In many cases, STI testing can be totally confidential.
"Many STIs are treatable, but we need to know you have them," Dr. Simms-Cendan says. "If you don't know you have them, they can cause long-term problems." Check your state's confidentiality laws — as long as you're over 13, you may be able to get tested without your doctor alerting your parents.
8. Your doctor should never judge you. Period.
"My patients all think they're going to ask me something 'shocking' that I've never heard before, but I rarely hear a question that hasn't come up before," Dr. Yamaguchi says. "We talk about vaginas and look at them all day. It may be an embarrassing area for you to discuss, but not for us." You should feel comfortable asking your gyno literally anything . If you get an unapproachable vibe from them, or they shade you for asking about your sexual health , it's time to find a new doc.
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