Realistic High-School-Yearbook Inscriptions - The New Yorker

Abby! I can’t believe we did it! Four years went by like that! Will you promise to keep in touch?! Let’s see each other once or twice this summer and then not again for about fifteen years, when we’re both staying at a serviceable two-star resort that’s just fine with allowing small children fighting a horrible stomach bug to play in the pool. —❤️Missy

You will read this once this afternoon and not again until you’re in your fifties, but, by that time, I will have already died, alone in my apartment, totally nude, except for my ankle monitor. —Jacky Jack Jack!

Hey, girl! Remember me when you’re unhappily married and still running the family business due to your fatal lack of ambition. —Rachey

Yay! We’re FINALLY graduating! Remember that day in Miss Tompkins’s (Miss Not-Hotkins!) class when I held in a sneeze then farted and everyone laughed except for Becky?! She never laughs! Becky will run her own influencerP.R. agency while you and I will marry two mediocre men who scream out “Wheel of Fortune” answers as if they’re solving the world’s greatest and most substantial mysteries: “GOOEY CINNAMON STICKY BUNS!” or “ALL THE CRITICS AGREE!” It’ll be exhausting. —Luv Ya Lots, Chloe

God, I’m so happy to get out of this s-hole! HATE THIS PLACE! I CANNOT wait to get to the real world and then spend half my life thinking, Shouldn’t I be enjoying this more? —R.R.

Jess Hot Mess! I love that this isn’t goodbye cause we’re both going to the same college, roomie! It’ll be like high school never ended! For me, anyway. You’ll spread your wings, really explore your identity, and move into quiet-study housing in the spring semester. We’ll see each other less and less, and I won’t even tell you when I transfer to Florida State. —Ya girl Hannah

I was your math teacher. I’m not really sure what to say. You were a B student. —Mrs. Bailey

You handed me this yearbook shyly, as if it meant nothing, but you’ve had a crush on me all these years and, I have to be perfectly honest, I don’t know a thing about you except that we both were referred to doctors after our scoliosis screenings. Be Well! —Dani

Ethan, a.k.a. Butt Dawg (HAHAHAHA)! All I can say is two things: 1) “Piled-high nachos!” and 2) Think of me when you’re some Wall Street big shot, and I appear in a documentary about my first six months in prison for starting a wildfire with an unfiltered cigarette I tossed into some bone-dry vegetation. —Milo

Do you like my fancy signature? I’ve been practicing since sixth grade, in each and every class, just daydreaming about becoming really, really famous. Remember my name! —Richie Randigan

P.S. I never become famous.

You asked me to sign your yearbook because I am unpopular and you feel sorry for me. You thought it was a good deed, but I see through your condescension. It brings no relief. —Nico

You’re such an AMAZING WRITER! I’M SO JEALOUS! I can’t wait to read that one book you’ll self-publish years from now, a children’s book about a talking stapler with a huge heart. —Mary P.

We’ve sat in the same classes for the past ten years but I’ve never said a word. You might know me as Mitch Spencer. The rest of the world will soon know me as TruthSlayerXX on TikTok. Do you have the nerve to take the red pill and see into the Matrix like I have? I’ve taken the red pill! In a few years, I will also take the white pill to prevent hair loss. —Best, Mitch R. Spencer

I’m the kid you’ll see on CNN talking about changing the world and you’ll think, Wait a minute, isn’t that the same guy who threw up on his sneakers in Algebra II and then cried so hard his mother had to pick him up? That guy became successful?! —Ronnie

Yoooooo! Parties down by the lake, beers out by the old water tower, that epic night at Henry’s—just some of the legendary memories we never made because we were bland and fearful. —Mike

Promise me we’ll always, always be best amigas! That is, until I realize you were merely the least lame option in a small student body, and I replace you with friends who reflect my actual preferences. XOXOXO —Lisa

You handed me your yearbook, and I will write something nice out of obligation. —Wishing You the Very Very Best, Mr. Richards

You and I are never leaving this godforsaken town. There is no escape for the likes of us. See you tomorrow, I guess. —Margot♦

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