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Real Pussy Shots
By:
Adam Tod Brown
August 06, 2012
Who was the original fourth character of the Seinfeld gang?
It's time to celebrate the unsung developer-led revolution that saved the series.
We can't be encouraging children to become weird penguin-like supervillains.
Actors are just (better looking) human beings.
You know you're getting older when you start agreeing with Disney parents.
Like anyone else, we've been keeping our eyes on all of the breathtaking and inspiring images coming out of the 2012 Olympic Games in London. As we've been going through these soon to be iconic images, we couldn't help but notice a recurring theme. A lot of the pictures just kind of look like porn. For example ...
It's not the facial expression. It's not the teammate's facial expression. It's not even the ridiculous looking seizure helmet. What is it about this picture that makes us laugh? Simple: A quick survey of the positioning of that "man's" hand makes it shockingly obvious that he's stroking a vagina under that Speedo. No, not the left hand that he's using to keep his clitoris out of his teammate's line of sight, we mean the other hand that is in no way indicative of a man masturbating. The facial expression is, though, and there are some sex organs you can pleasure with a hand motion like that.
We shouldn't be surprised by this unusually kinky development from the world of water polo. The Olympics are a freaky place. Check out this quote from US women's soccer goalkeeper Hope Solo about the state of boning at the XXX Games ...
"With a once-in-a-lifetime experience, you want to build memories, whether it's sexual, partying or on the field. I've seen people having sex right out in the open. On the grass, between buildings, people are getting down and dirty."
See? When the daughter of the guy from Star Wars is even fessing up to all the sexing, you know things have taken a turn for the skank at the London Games. And masturbating water polo players are just the beginning.
This aerial shot of the Olympic road race was intended to give viewers at home a bird's eye view of the action. Instead, it gave viewers at home a bird's eye view of some dude's "action". The only thing that would make this picture sexier is a pair of boobs. Because nothing is hotter than boobs on an Australian dude splayed out on a rooftop in a thong.
Granted, it's next to impossible to make a beach volleyball photo not sexy, but this one gets the feature here for implying that a lost point is seconds away from devolving into a deleted scene from Black Swan . But honestly, any sport would look hot if it was photographed the way beach volleyball is, right?
Wrong. This shot is from a project by a Metro writer who decided to shoot other Olympic sports in the same crotch-emphasizing manner that's normally reserved for beach volleyball. The results, as you may have a already guessed, were the exact opposite of sexy .
Ha! Nice try, joker, but we see what's happening here. This is cheating. It's not like NBC aired this exact shot. No, it took some pervert hitting the pause button on his DVR at the perfect moment, making this image seem much more erotic than it actually is. But rest assured, your family is in no danger of seeing anything this racy just by watching the Olympics.
Cracked.com: Come for the dick jokes, stay for the lies. Of course you'll see something that racy just by watching the Olympics. At least you would have when the above shot of British diver Tom Daley happened. Everything about that picture says "Coming up at 11, on Cinemax." And the best part about it is that it's far from the only one.
During the broadcast, that graphic stayed up, covering Tom Daley's already close-to-nonexistent Speedo long enough for dude to take in some calisthenics ...
Wonder why everyone is looking at him so funny ...
And then wash away the stress of worrying about any of it in a nice, hot shower ...
Seriously, where is that shower even coming from? Is it attached to anything or have London's hobos been kidnapped and tasked with pouring water on the athletes during the swimming and diving competitions from some location high above the stands?
And who is P. Waterfield? Our best guess ... he's the guy giving Tom Daley a friendly reach around from somewhere behind that blue wall.
We've got your morning reading covered.
Bill Watterson is one of the most beloved cartoonists of all time, so why is seeing him rare as a bigfoot sighting?
The late-night host we love to hate.
We assume most movies and TV shows exist in their own universes like snow globes we can shake when we're too tired to read.
Maybe this explains why other alien civilizations aren't attempting to communicate.
How does such a bland franchise have so many WTF moments?
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5 Rooftop Aussie. This aerial shot of the Olympic road race was intended to give viewers at home a bird's eye view of the action. Instead, it gave viewers at home a bird's eye view of some dude's "action". The only thing that would make this picture sexier is a pair of boobs.
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