Quiet Bondage

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Quiet Bondage
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Gabrielle Kassel
Gabrielle Kassel is a New York-based sex and wellness writer and CrossFit Level 1 Trainer.

Madeline Howard
Madeline Howard is a writer, editor, and creative based in Brooklyn.


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If you’re intrigued by power play, sensory feels, and the paradox of pain versus pleasure, you might want to update your bedroom toolkit with some BDSM toys.
But what is BDSM , exactly? In short, it’s an acronym for bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism. (Though, occasionally, the D stands for "domination" and the S stands for "submission.") "BDSM is the consensual, risk-aware, and pleasurable practice of playing with things like power, restraint, and pain," says Lateef Taylor , a pleasure-based, queer-inclusive sex and kink educator.
That said, there’s much more to BDSM and bondage than picking up a few X-rated toys: "It’s always important to talk about what you’re going to do ahead of play, establish a safe word and non-verbal safe 'word,' and do everything in your power to mitigate potential risks," Taylor explains.
There’s also a few things to consider before choosing a BDSM toy that’s right for you. First things first, consider your expertise level in the BDSM realm and where you want to experience pleasure or pain, says Jenni Skyler , PhD, a certified sex therapist, sexologist, and director of The Intimacy Institute . Are you into nipple play? You might enjoy nipple clamps . Like serious sensory action? Perhaps try a hot wax massage candle . Or if you’re into restraint, maybe a luxury metal spreader bar is a must.
Other things to think about: "You ought to look for quality," says Amanda Pasciucco , an AASECT-certified sex-therapist who specializes in BDSM and kink. Plus, you’ll want to make sure you’re clear on how to clean and care for your item so that it has longevity, Pasciucco explains.
And because the wonderful world of BDSM toys is varied and nuanced, it might be helpful to check out YouTube, kink educators' Instagrams, or your local feminist sex shop for demos and explainers on exactly how to use that specific toy in your shopping cart, Taylor notes.
Read on for the 22 best BDSM sex toys you can buy online, according to expert sex therapists and BDSM pros.
"Depending on the type of kink you enjoy, feathers are great for light tickling and sensory play," Skyler says. They also work for dominant-subordinate power play, as the in-control person can move the feather on various areas of the partner's body to the point of irritation or pain, Skyler explains.
This option has red feather tufts, a leather base for easy grip, and has a loop at the end for your wrist so that it stays secure while you go to work. Plus, it's only $17!
"These clamp around your wrists or legs so that you can't close them," says board-certified sexologist Debra Laino , PhD, which means that your partner has even more control over your bod than normal.
You won't be able to close your legs or arms together when the pleasure (or pain) becomes too overpowering, which can make for even more intense sensations, orgasms, and play with your partner.
If you're not ready to settle on a single toy quite yet and would prefer to keep on experimenting instead, no worries. Consider opting for an all-inclusive BDSM kit, Laino says, which can be great for beginners who want to test varying toys and regulars who already know what they like.
This kit includes everything you need for at-home and beyond: hand and ankle cuffs, a flogger, a leash and collar, and a blindfold.
"These are really nice adjustable nipple clamps," Laino says. "Pain is pleasure in this situation. These put some pain onto the nipples and gets your endorphins going, which turns into pleasure."
If you've found that your nipples are super sensitive during sex—such as that you like pulling, teasing, or biting on your nipples―these might be for you.
If you're into wax play , you'll like this massage wax candle with a yummy vanilla scent, Skyler says. To use this, light the candle like normal and let the wax pool.
Then, you can pour the hot wax onto each other while blindfolded (or not), which can feel painful. It can turn into a moment of pure pleasure, too, as this candle's wax doubles as massage oil as it cools.
Think you might enjoy some bondage? Consider adding a penis cage to your repertoire. "In a penis cage, your penis can't do anything since it's all enclosed up," Laino says. (Yup, even if the person has a boner.)
This cage wraps around the waist like a belt to prevent it from drooping down, then covers the penis in leather. (And it's only $28.)
Into sexy power dynamics when you tap into BDSM play? "Leash and collar play are good for people who like to control and be controlled," Laino says. (Noted.)
And yup, Pasciucco recommends this genuine leather collar, which comes in a variety of sizes and colors. Plus, you can get it personalized with you or your partner's name for an extra touch.
A kink classic, "the blindfold restricts your eyesight, so it involves a degree of trust," says Taylor. "The elimination of sight also forces you to rely on your other senses, which can increase the feeling of anticipation."
Note: If you don’t have the dough to dish on this snazzy blindfold, you can also repurpose an old tube sock, neck tie, or bandanna.
The fusion of a pizza cutter, club, and fork, Wartenberg Pinwheels aren’t as dangerous as they appear. "They’re designed to allow you to experience light pain in an incredibly controlled way," says Taylor. Key words: light and controlled .
To use, you (or your boo) simply roll the tool up and down your skin, stimulating your nerves in a way that can be arousing, Taylor says.
While the itty bitty spikes won't puncture your skin, Taylor still says beginners should stay away from the tongue, anal opening, vulva, and scrotum.
"You don't need to invest money when you’re first learning what sensation you enjoy, and it doesn’t get any less expensive than frozen water," says Taylor. Other benefits of ice: It won’t stain the sheets, and it can’t hurt you!
Simply pop a cube from the tray, then give your boo an icy kiss, cold-cunnilingus, or draw the cube down their belly. "The juxtaposition of the warmth of your mouth and the cold of the ice can be particularly arousing," they say.
"Canes require skill, so they’re best for advanced BDSM practitioners," says Taylor. If you fall into the advanced category *and* enjoy dishing or receiving stingy blows, you might consider investing in a cane like this plastic one. Featuring a firm handle and leather wrist strap, it'll be easier to control than many others on the market. Plus, it’s pretty!
At first glance, a crop may look like a squashed cane, but because the crop has a greater surface area, it stings less...usually.
"Crops allow you to get really precise with your hitting, which is great for targeting smaller areas like the nipples or genitals," says Luna Matatas , sexuality educator and creator of Peg The Patriarchy.
Bondage tape only sticks to itself. Meaning, unlike duct tape it won’t stick to—and rip out, yikes—your body hair or skin. "Bondage tape is also far more breathable than duct tape," says Taylor. Once you invest in a pair of safety scissors, use the tape to create make-shift restraints, cuffs, or blindfolds.
If you got roped into watching Too Hot To Handle , you’re familiar with safe and consensual rope play known as Shibari . "If you’re interested in exploring Shibari, you’ll never regret having a reliable, high-quality, and comfortable rope," says Daniel Saynt, founder of NSFW , a private members club for sex, kink, and cannabis-positive millennials.
He recommends the Emojibator Unicorn Rope: "When it comes to bondage rope, you're usually looking for comfort and durability over style, but with this option you don't need to choose effectiveness over appeal."
"If you’ve never felt a Womanizer gently suck your clit to orgasm, you’ve lived an incomplete life," says Sofiya Alexandra, co-founder and co-host of the podcast Private Parts Unknown . She recommends incorporating it into BDSM play by using it on a restrained partner (with their consent, of course).
"Handcuffs allow you to dip your toe into some sadism and masochism," says Alexandra. "Trust, it’s hot as hell."
For beginners, she recommends faux fur, which is softer on your sensitive wrists than metal (duh). "The consensual pain should come from your partner and not from the cuffs themselves," notes Alexandra. Fair!
Made of silicone, these cuffs are not only fur-free, but key- and buckle-free! Simply squeeze your wrists into them and—bada-bing, bada-boom—you’re in!
To heat things up in more ways than one, check out this warming vibrator. "Turn the wand onto the highest and hottest setting for temperature play," says Courtney Kocak, co-founder and co-host of the podcast Private Parts Unknown . "You could even alternate with some ice for the best of both worlds!"
A powerful AF rideable vibrator, The Cowgirl allows intensity-seekers to ride anytime, anywhere. Sex educator Kenneth Play recommends using it for orgasm denial: "Have the more submissive partner hop on the machine and allow the more dominant partner to control the intensity levels."
Just make sure you discuss safe words (or signals if the rider is gagged) and boundaries—especially around max speeds because this thing is I-N-T-E-N-S-E.
An absorbent blanket, the Liberator Fascinator is a great option for squirters, those who enjoy arousal oil, lube, and massage oils, and water-sport enthusiasts (no, I'm not talking about snorkeling). "Water-proof blankets help wick wetness quicker, which allows you to manage squirting, spit, semen, pee, and sweat," says Matatas.
Designed to restrict the wearer from gabbing, ball gags feature a ball that sits behind your chompers. "Before you use a ball gag, determine how the gag will be on and decide on a non-verbal safe system," says Matatas. (She recommends beginners keep the time under 20 minutes.)
FYI: Drool is going to happen. "Drool can be a huge turn on or can cause someone to feel insecure," she explains. "So be sure to talk about this before or de-brief afterward."
Yep, electro as in electricity. Electro-play toys are designed to pleasure *and* shock you, and this one also vibrates. What more could you want?
"Typically it’s best to use electro-play toys on your nipples, thighs, and genitals," says Matatas. "Your head, eyes, and the front of your neck should be avoided." She adds that folks with heart conditions should also avoid the chest and torso.

Inside the dungeon: Dominatrix reveals her secret world of bondage, flogging and bizarre fetishes

Inside the dungeon of Mistress Sarah Jessica

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WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT - Mistress Sarah Jessica says her dungeon is somewhere for people to come and explore their submissive side...
The Fifty Shades of Grey book, and movie version - which hits screens on Saturday - have placed a spotlight on the secret worlds of bondage, domination and fetishes.
The Manchester Evening News spoke to one of the UK's busiest Dominatrix, Mistress Sarah Jessica, about her line of work, and also what she thinks about the 50 Shades phenomenon.
I’ve always been quite dominant, and I like to live my life that way, but I didn’t really pick up on it until five years ago.
Basically I started googling the concept of BDSM (Bondage and Discipline and Sado-Masochism), and exploring myself and my desires more. I met a friend who is a Mistress - a Mistress is a dominatrix - about three year ago and that’s when I became a Mistress.
Mistress Sarah Jessica, a Manchester-based dominatrix (face obscured)
I do this professionally, but I’m also a lifestyle mistress as well, it’s part of my own life and who I am.
Sex has got absolutely nothing to do with it whatsoever. I have clients, submissive men, who come and visit me at a dungeon. It’s not a sex club, it’s basically somewhere for people to come and explore their submissive side and get that out of their system.
I deal with a lot of different men with a lot of different fetishes.
I’d really like to get my point across that it’s OK to be ‘kinky’ and people should be more open about it. It should be accepted. People are suppressing themselves because they are worried about being judged as a person. This isn’t right. People should never hide away and should be more open.
If society was more accepting of this lifestyle and actually understood it then I think things would be a lot different. You should never be ashamed of who you are... and I encourage it fully.
It’s a big scene here, I know of about 10 mistresses, and I’m well known on the scene. Sadists and masochists are people who like to inflict pain and receive pain, and that’s all done in a safe, consensual manner, I would never take somebody to a level of something they’re not comfortable with. I always make sure they feel safe.
It’s a fully-equipped dungeon with lots of different pieces of equipment.
There’s things like a spanking bench and St Andrew’s Cross, a piece of wood which you are attached to by your arms. It’s used if you’re flogging somebody and for people who like to be restrained.
I have a pin wheel, with little spikes on that kind of rolls over your body - you can do it softly and people can actually find it very therapeutic.
It’s the same with the spanking and flogging, you can do it in a way that’s hard or very therapeutic - you can build the intensity.
It’s dark in the dungeon, but I like to think it’s a cosy atmosphere. Although if I’m doing spanking or corporal punishment when I’m using canes or paddles I like the lights on because then you can see the marks coming up on the flesh.
If somebody doesn’t want a mark, you have to know when to stop. Some people don’t feel comfortable telling their partners about what’s really going on inside their head, or they feel embarrassed about it, or that their wife will be freaked out, so they obviously can’t have visible marks when they go home.
But it’s not all about pain. It’s not about picking up a whip and beating somebody, there’s a huge psychological side to it. You’ve got to understand the submissive mind to become a mistress.
I read the first book, and I’m going to see the film this weekend.
In our lifestyle we believe in safety and consent and follow SSC which stands for safe, sane and consensual.
The book shows complete manipulation on Christian’s part to gain control and to get what he wants. Anna is a vulnerable girl and is fascinated by him. He knew this and used it to his advantage. To me that is abuse.
The book certainly paints and sugarcoats that in a sexy fun light, which is obviously not a good thing and could potentially be dangerous.
It’s not proper BDSM, it’s psychological abuse. If I remember rightly there was a time where she even used the safe word which he took upon himself to ignore. In the real world of BDSM this is a huge no no!! It takes it to another level.
There are male doms, as we call them, but you tend to find not so much professionally. I don’t really think girls would be willing to pay for a man to do it! I just don’t think there’s a need for it. A male dom would do it quite happily without being paid.
My outfits include a lot of leather and latex but also I can do sessions in just normal clothes as well. If you’re a dom people think you’re in PVC or leather all day, but we’re normal people as well.
Dominatrix Mistress Sarah Jessica talks about her career
You can’t stereotype a dominatrix, the lifestyle is so different to what people think it is. It upsets me if I’m honest, that people frown upon us quite a lot, but whats wrong with people enjoying the things that they like?
I get some unusual requests for certain things, but if I don’t want to do something or I don’t like the sounds of it I’ll direct them to someone else who might be able to help them. For me, this is a job that I enjoy, and I wouldn’t do anything I’d be uncomfortable with.
People think it’s all about pain, but there’s more psychological aspects - like sploshing - which involves food. I’ve had a guy who just wanted custard pouring over him, as if he’s bathing in food. He just likes the texture and feel of it. It’s not sexual, it’s fun.
Personally, I enjoy CBT (a term for a form of male genital torture) - and smoking fetishes, that’s one of the things I enjoy. I like to smoke a cigarette in front of them and blow it in their face. Some people find that quite sexy for a woman to be smoking. Some people like leather gloves.
I get a lot of repeat custom. That’s by getting to know what they’re into, and making them realise that it’s ok, they’re not a freak. It goes on a lot more than people think. Making them realise that I understand them, we build up a connection so they trust me. I like my clients leaving feeling good about themselves and happy that they’ve finally been able to express their desires to someone who completely understands.
Someone who gives a lot of reaction in a session, it’s always good for a mistress to get a reaction from a session because you’re more inclined to know if the sub’s enjoying it, a reaction is a must! It’s obviously important that they enjoy it. And obviously someone with the same interests as me.
I think I’ve been quite lucky, not had any bad experiences. I suppose my less favourite ones would be if the client goes very quiet.
It might be because they’re nervous but if they don’t react, it makes it harder for me to work out their mindsets.
If the sub is in quite a lot of distress, or if he asks for the session to stop, or if I don’t feel like the sub is enjoying it or is in a bad place. But it never comes to that stage because I’m usually good at reading people.
Also if they tried anything sexual, or tried to touch me, I would stop it immediately.
Some guy came in once and obviously didn’t read up
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