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Wednesday February 15, 2012

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11:10 PM

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Brave, and enlightening. Thank you.

Forgot to add that I also shared the tribute page.

Thank you for writing. I am so glad you survived.

Right back at you CS - {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} n/t

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673

Thank you Canis Aureus. I'm glad I'm here too n/t

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Daily Kos moves in solidarity with the Black community.

SJF Said what many of us wanted to say with her "F- Joe Paterno" post...
In fact, that's how I found her post. I had never been to DailyKos before that day. And the reason I found her post is because I typed in "F-Joe Paterno" into my browser.
Why? Because all of the media attention and coverage being given to his passing should be for the children - for the boys that were raped/fondled/sexually abused. But the media doesn't want to talk about child sexual abuse - it would rather focus on football programs and legendary coaches.
SJF, like me, was screaming at the top of her lungs that THIS ISN'T ABOUT JOE PATERNO! It's about the reason children continue to be sexually abused today. Because it makes people so uncomfortable. The very thought of a child being sexually abused - no. that's too clinical a term. Let me spell it out for you where our rage comes from...

Then it was come sit on my lap and his robe would be opened - and his penis would be exposed. And he would put me on top of him.
Then he would make a game out of "making his penis jump" it was touch this. Stroke this. Kiss this. Lick this. Suck this. Ooooooh, look how it jumps - you made it move! I was 5.
He made his perversion into a game. With lots of tickling and hugging and fondling. A girls vagina will respond to manipulation. Even at 5 years old. He would lay me down on his bed and perform oral sex on me.
He would use his fingers and manipulate my vagina. I was 5 and it continued until I was 13, getting more brazen - oral sex on him, insertion, rape, anal rape. Disgusted yet?
Or have you just stopped reading because it makes you too uncomfortable?
Oh, and why didn't I tell? Anyone? Because first he told me it was our little secret and no one would understand... our "special relationship". And then he told me as I got older that no one would believe me - I was just a kid and would be labeled a liar, and then he told me that he would kill my mother if I told, that he would kill me - he held a knife to my throat once and the threats escalated each time. And as a child - you believe these threats.
I posted the above as a comment in SwedishJewfish's diary about 2 weeks ago. But I thought it important to publish it as it's own diary. There may be some of you who have seen this before, and it may be just as uncomfortable to read this time - but I republished it because...
I think it really shows the ugly truth about what child sexual abuse looks like - how "innocent" grooming can begin - and how aware, how vigilent we all must be when protecting the most innocent among us.
To a mother and father, a grandfather's wish to have his granddaughter sit on his lap might seem cute, sweet - loving even. Think about your father, your dad - could you imagine them doing anything to hurt your child? No - the image is so repulsive, in fact, that it becomes the reason we can so easily turn our back to what may be happening. The visual imagery of a small child being raped by an adult is enough to make you sick. But it happens. More often than you think. It happened to me for 8 years of my life.
1. If you are going to be a jerk in this virtual living room...leave now.
2. If you want to compare these experiences to something totally unrelated - leave now.
3. If you are supportive even if you have not been a victim, welcome. You are the people that help us climb the trees.
To all the survivors - welcome to The Tree™
Speaking out by survivors lets everyone see what is going on more clearly.
I have to believe that more sunshine = fewer victims. I know the power of denial and the "whatever" factor, but I believe in the power of individuals and neighbors and all of us to make a difference.
I appreciate you taking the time to hear my story. Ever since the Jerry Sandusky story broke I just felt compelled to speak out for those boys - to let them know they are not alone - because the isolation victims feel is suffocating.
Please take a moment to visit the tribute page (linked above) if you haven't before. And please feel free to share this story with anyone and everyone who will listen.
this on my Facebook page with the comment, "This may be hard for some to read, but I think the real grown-ups in the world need to start understanding that their feeling uncomfortable about a subject is NOTHING compared to what we let so many children suffer through our ignorance and indifference. Anything that educates us about how predators get away with these horrific things needs to be shared." I work at a child advocacy center that treats hundreds of abused children and adolescents every year, and we sometimes talk about how sad it is that our jobs are secure. I look forward to the day when our center is no longer needed because all children are cherished and protected.
And please share the link above to the tribute page also - my story is but one of millions out there.
And thank you for your work as a child advocate. As you know, if this can save but one child - make one parent or adult pause and say...hmmm something just doesn't "feel" right here...if one child never has to face the shame, humiliations, and heinousness that comes with child sexual abuse - then we have won.
Please continue sharing our stories -
a couple weeks ago. A number of friends commented and also shared the story on their pages. It was so powerful and moving and inspiring, and I hope many more take the opportunity to read it.
awareness is needed about this grooming behavior.
said to me, after I went public with my story - that she didn't understand how Sandusky could "brutally rape those boys like that" (her words).
And I told her - it isn't a brutal act. Grooming a child for sexual abuse is a very loving, calm, enjoyable act. That is what confuses children. Because sexual stimulation is pleasurable, it gets all mixed up in their heads - well, I ENJOYED it therefore I must be complicit? Right?
This is also a reason some children won't tell - because they feel like they asked for it, or deserved it in some way.
And think about this - if THIS is all you've ever known - how does the child know it's wrong? If THIS is their normal... how would they know any different? Why wouldn't they think this is how EVERYONE lives and loves.
This is why I think it is so brave of every survivor who has found their voice to continue speaking out.
My grandfather had one of those old school La-Z-Boy chairs. He would extend the footrest and I would pop up in the gap to make him laugh. He had the funniest laugh. Then I would sit on his lap and we would watch TV together. I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and every day he and I would take a nap together after lunch. He never, ever touched me inappropriately. I can't imagine that it ever entered his mind. He was one of those 'I will kill you if you touch them' kind of grandfathers. And I think he would have done it. He would have absolutely lost his shit.
I guess I am saying all this because I am so sorry this happened to you. I can't imagine having those memories taken from me. I can't imagine the person he represented in my childhood being replaced by a monster. And maybe that is the larger point you are trying to make. For people whose memories are so different it really is impossible to understand.
not all grandfather's are pedophiles, and not all pedophiles are dirty old men. Some pedophiles look just like grandfathers.
Thank you for reading. And thank you for listening to my story.
calm and enjoyable. It isn't always; and the actual penetration of a child by an adult can be brutally painful. One of my closest friends was abused for years, as you were, starting around the age of two. THis included penetration with a finger early on, and rape later. When she, as a small child, cried in pain, an adult hand was plastered over her mouth-- and sometimes, incidentally, over her nose, so that she couldn't breath. She blacked out at least once, leaving her with a terror of suffocation. So she was conditioned to silence and stillness by terror. The overwhelming pain, the helplessness, the uselessness of a small child struggling against an adult, the conviction that she could be killed any time she did not submit, was all crushing to a child's will and sense of self. That "learned helplessness" kept her passive and ineffective for many years, until she began to learn how to open up and share and heal.
THank God for the feminist movement, for the breaking of silences, for crisis hotlines and support groups, for therapists who put some of their clients on a sliding scale.
Scars will always remain. So it seems to me, and so my friend says. But the level of healing that's possible is a testament to the human spirit.
And my heart simply bleeds, because my discomfort is not even a pinprick in the consciousness of those who have suffered this way.
The world can be an ugly place, and if we try to sweep statements like this Diary under the carpet, because it makes us feel uncomfortable, then think on ...
thank you for being uncomfortable but for standing in the face of that feeling. And for not sweeping this under the rug. You're right - the ONLY way child sexual abuse continues to exist is in the darkness of denial.
Yes, it is ugly, yes it is painful, yes it absolutely sucks, but yes - it exists. Child Sexual Abuse exists -
and on this occasion don't mind owning up.
Go take a look at the Community Spotlight :)
Well deserved ... Much needed sunlight on an issue that is too long in the shadows.
Although I will show my ignorance here (I'm a complete newbie!) What is community spotlight and how does one "get" there?
Community Spotlight are put there by a team of Kossacks known as Rescue Rangers.
If ever you are looking at a Profile page and see a small Lifebelt Badge, then you are looking at a Ranger's Profile.
We work as a team reading every Diary and selecting some for that List at the top of the page.
We select based on a number of different criteria, then put the selections through an approval process before they appear.
Four Rescue Rangers approved this Diary, which is more than normal because I felt that the wording and the subject required extra consideration.
However, had the others have said "no", I might have beaten them with something.
For helping me shine the brightest light possible on Child Sexual Abuse. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it.
Seeing it happen in families is just horrifying to me. As well as making me see RED to the perp...
but I can't. I'm just so sorry beyond words for you or any child that has his or her innocence stolen from them. And just so angry!
Thank you Roxine.
Education is better! Thank you for taking the time to educate yourself about what Child Sexual Abuse looks like. Thank you for taking the time to read my diary.
What we learn today can possibly save a child tomorrow - and that is all any survivor wants. Is to save any other child from the pain and suffering we carry every day.
as I stop crying...which isn't a good thing sitting at my desk at work! But thank you all for your kind words and for sharing this -
that I can relate to unfortunately. Thank you for your strength and guts!
if you ever need to talk, I am but a kos Mail away. And if you haven't already, I invite you to join Tree Climbers.
Thank you for reading and for sharing.
figure it out a contact you. I am a Tree Climber. I want to do my own diary but am not a veteran diarist, ya know? And my mom is dying of cancer now. Just found out this week. I always thought out of respect for my mom, I would wait to publish or talk about the abuse until after she was gone. Now that is rapidly approaching. :(
your Mom. We'll be here when you are ready to write, we'll help any way we can. To kosmail...go to either your 'messages' link on the right side under your name area...click and type in the person you want to contact. Or to the group, go to the group page and select messages.
The candle is in the window, we'll be here for you.
Join Tree Climbers. You are welcome to join us. To do so, send a private message via kosmail to SallyCat , Onomastic , or Aji for an invitation to join the group.
Oh, I see SallyCat has given you some directions to your KosMail place already.
of my comment. I know you are already a member of Tree Climbers. Must be past my bedtime. Sorry!
candle is very soothing & comforting. I have a rough road ahead I know, will definitely need you guys all the more.
And I understand about wanting to wait until after they are gone - not wanting to point out their failings or shortcomings. My dad is still alive and he did listen to the interview I did on Dr. Laura, and I know it hurt him. But the only thing he said to me is "Roxine, if it is helping you, then that is all that matters. You and I talked about this a long time ago, and while we can't change the past, you are working towards a brighter future."
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this at the same time (not that it's not always present) but I know being "here" brings it all to the forefront.
We are here for you - whatever you need. I am truly sorry your mom is sick. My mom died unexpectedly in a car accident. And while it was very shocking, I can't imagine what you are going through right now. You are a good daughter being there for your mom. And I know she appreciates it. {{{{{{{jdmorg}}}}}}}}
But I am one of the lucky ones. And I know that. Thank you for reading.
five. It's so poignant. I see such openness. Maybe a little shyness. And trust. A little girl ready to smile at the world.
It's heartbreaking that her trust would be betrayed.
another side to the ugliness is that the damage spills over to the non-abused siblings, too.
the resentment of the abused child often is directed at the one who escaped that abuse - well into the successive decades.
i lost having a loving sister - and, until i knew what had happened, i always asked "what have i done to make her hate me so?"
there are many victims that are in the shadows.
our sexually repressive society builds these monsters, just as other sexually repressive societies also breed these types of behaviors. the diary about the young dancing boys of afghanistan shows how open this problem can be when power and sex are intermingled.
the winners can be in those children we can save. Speak out - speak up - Be ever watchful when it comes to our children.
I am sorry that you lost your sister due to the abuse. I lost my baby sister too - and I know how painful that is. Not the same situation as we both suffered similar abuse at his hands, but she has completely blocked that out of her mind and tells me she can't "be there" with me.
Thank you for reading a part of my story.
i've ever addressed the secondary loss that occurs. there are so many victims in this - and those who did the deed in the old days seemed to skate without consequences.
it's time to make this a topic that no adult, judge, court or politician can avoid.
we are a new group here at Kos - a place where survivors and those who want to know more about Child Sexual Abuse can share information and stories and just have a safe place to be.
And I agree - people must not look away. As I say in my interview on Dr. Laura we welcome this conversation and we want it to continue. It's the only way some will listen.
Make people talk about it. Make that grooming behaviour more well known. First they gain trust..
To read what you and so many others had to endure. Thank you for sharing, and I hope you have found peace.
As this series continues, I hope that we can all learn how to protect the children in our lives from those who would groom and rape.
I do not doubt you at all Roxine, but I still find it hard in my own mental processes to believe that child rapists can behave this way and even choose careers that put them in contact with children. Coaches, priests, baby sitters. Evil incarnate. Evil in a body.
As I have said before, I do not remember being sexually abused. I was never groomed, never went emotionally dead, never climbed trees fearing to return to what awaited me on the ground.
for 2 decades. The memories came flooding back in a fight with my brother. Sometimes I think she is better off out of her mind just existing. My predator groomed us by working midnight shift, so while my mom worked 9 hours a day as a career woman, he was home sleeping & " watching us kids". This way he had ample opportunity to molest us before and after school. I never would stay home sick from school, couldn't tell anyone that I didn't feel well. I hated when I got the measles, couldn't hide those spots from anyone. He didn't let that stop his urges!
Trust will always be an issue for me, and nothing quite that horrendous ever happened to me. A lot else, but nothing so horrendous.
I wish you and Roxine and all others joy and peace. And I'll have some for myself, too.
... as safe and sound in bed for some of us, even when sick.
This group is showing me that the feelings of hurt and betrayal that I carry with me are shared by many of us. I feel KNOWN, if that makes sense, and even though I am nearly crying, I also feel lighter. {{{jdmorg}}}
we are made to feel completely alone and taught that no one will believe us. We suffer in silence because who would we tell? They would look at us differently - they would KNOW. If we don't tell anyone, we carry the shame the guilt and the heinousness of the act of child sexual abuse, but we do so without anyone seeing us.
If we do tell - now we still carry all of that, but also worry how you will look at us.
It's an untenable situation to be a victim.
But I understand, so much Joy of Fishes - what you mean. The shared burden - that I'm not alone - that there is someone out there who "gets" me - who understands the different choices I may have made throughout my life - who understands why I may have been promiscuous (oversexuality of a child can lead to promiscuity) - who may understand why I can trust NO ONE. Not
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