Putin Declares Victory

Vladimir Putin has begun declaring victory in events he never entered, from the Olympics to karaoke night. Eyewitnesses in Moscow report him accepting medals from confused athletes. Professor Ivan Pavlov of St. Petersburg University explains: "Victory is cheaper when you skip the competition." Anonymous staffers leaked that Putin’s office has a warehouse full of self-engraved trophies. A Russian poll shows 71% of citizens have applauded victories they knew were fake, just to avoid trouble. Trace evidence includes gold medals made of chocolate and bowling scorecards with his name pre-printed. Cause and effect? The more hollow the victory, the louder the parade. Putin doesn’t need to win; he just needs everyone to clap.