Public Hospital Nurse: Today, I started my shift with tears

The CoViD-19 epidemic has brought countless dilemmas to the Hong Kong society. As a frontline health care worker, I do not expect an ordinary person would understand our frustration and hopelessness. Just two weeks ago, I could not imagine having this feeling now, but something happened. 

In our medical ward at 2 pm, we have a handover between staff from the morning and afternoon shifts. As usual the head nurse summoned us for the handover. Usually, she would brief us on any updates on guidelines or operation. But none of us expected to hear what she told us today - there is a shortage of face masks within the Hospital Authority. 

The head nurse told us, "The hospital is now running out of face masks. We have to use them sparingly.” When I was still thinking about how to use them sparingly, she added, "For those who use the N95 mask, please use the same one for the whole shift. Do not throw it away. We have only got one case of 1870+ (one of the models of N95 face mask, also a model that suits most of us) left in hand. I asked for more from storage but there was none. I do not want to put anyone at risk. So, colleagues wearing N95 will handle cases in the side ward. (There are four bays and three double rooms for isolation. The side ward has double rooms used for isolation of suspected CoViD-19 cases.) In that case, some of us won’t need to put on N95 masks and we can save some for the future." Only one box left? I thought I misheard it. According to proper guidance, we are supposed to change the whole set of personal protective equipment including face mask after doing any aerosol-generating procedure in order to avoid spreading germs to other places and patients. 

Even if we keep the same mask on all day, how long can we last? Given there are doctors, nurses, health care assistants, cleaners, phlebotomists, physiotherapists and occupational therapists etc. And we do not even know when the new stock will arrive. While I had this big question mark in my mind, the head nurse said calmly, "Also regarding surgical masks, please only use one a day. Do not change the mask after meals. Re-use the same mask after your meals. You can put on a new mask after coming off duty. But please don't throw it away. Re-use for your morning shift tomorrow." We are not talking about expensive equipment, not N95. Even a normal single-use surgical mask is now a luxury. As a flurry of discussions started amongst us, the head nurse became emotional, "I hope everyone will cooperate. Face masks are scarce in all of Hong Kong now. The remaining stock may run out very soon. At that moment, it will be us on the frontline who will die..."

Before the head nurse could finish, one of my colleagues started crying. She felt wronged. "Why? When we are willing to sacrifice our lives, that we don't even get the basics such as face masks? Not even a little protection? Why do we deserve this?!" All our eyes became red with tears. 

Maybe we all have the same question : Why are we, frontline health care workers, not being taken seriously?

Normally, as frontline nurses we do not care about the inventory of supplies because that is not our job. But now, it directly affects our life and death. A lot of people will stand on their moral high ground and criticize us for fearing death. Yes, we fear death. We are really frightened that we may die in this epidemic. To be honest, it is scary enough just working on the frontline with our lives on the line. It is even scarier to fight a war that we are destined to lose. (Yes, maybe we think this is a war that was already lost. It is only a matter of losing more or less.) What is worse is we need to fight the war with no equipment? Who would not be scared? I am a nurse looking after patients. But I am also a daughter hoping to look after my parents and go travelling with family. I am also a girlfriend who wants to marry my boyfriend and to spend every Valentine's Day after together. I am also a friend who wants to spend time with my close friends chatting about this and that...All these things that are so taken for granted have suddenly become as precious as a new year’s wish. It’s no wonder because now even a normal surgical mask has become a luxury. 

Alongside the sounds of weeping, there was only more weeping. We all seemed to have no immunity against tears as we face death’s door. I never thought we would have a shift handover with everyone in tears. 

After the handover, we all still felt scared and frustrated. However, we did not back down. We hugged each other and said, "Be safe. We will do this together." We held back our tears and began our day at work.

Source: The Stand News, February 2020