Private Sex Records
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There’s a decent chance you know a few of your own sex statistics: how many partners you’ve had, the most times you’ve orgasmed in a day or the exact dimensions of your genitalia.
As much as the heated passion of sexual arousal and the cold, calculating search for knowledge and facts might seem like they’re at odds with each other, since sex is such an important and fascinating part of life, people have historically sought to learn about it from a more analytical perspective. That’s where the concept of sex records comes in. And no, not songs to have sex to — we’re talking about world records (think biggest, fastest and best).
Well, best is harder to nail down as one person’s dream sex could easily be another person’s nightmare. But when it comes to objectively measurable statistics, you’re not the only person who’s curious.
In order to alleviate that healthy — and purely scientific — curiosity, here are some sex records. At least, as close as we can make; given that most sex happens in private without any lab technicians or Guinness Book of World Records employees present, it’s possible that some of these records are way off. And because of the, ahem, intimate nature of the subject matter, the record holders in some cases are actually anonymous.
Regardless, they’re fun little windows into what the human body is capable of at extremes.
In 2004, Lisa Sparks (formerly Lisa Sparxxx) had sexual intercourse with a whopping 919 men in a 12-hour period as part of a competition with two other women to see who could have sex with the most men. Of course, “sexual intercourse” is used somewhat loosely here; at an average length of 45 seconds per partner, it’s closer to a “sexual hi-then-bye.” Anyway, the experience is on film, in case you’re the curious type.
When it comes to the animal kingdom, according to research conducted in the Royal Society Journal’s Biology Letters, the male Australian scaly cricket (aka Ornebius aperta) has been shown to have sex as many as 50 times over a three- to four-hour period — in part to counteract the female cricket’s habit of removing the male’s nutrient-rich sperm and eating it after sex. Kinky...
This one is surprisingly tricky to track down, in no small part (heh) because lots of different guys want to hold the title. Two different men with 13.5-inch penises have laid claim to it: one, an anonymous man measured by an aptly named Scottish doctor named Dr. Robert L. Dickenson, and an American actor by the name of Jonah Falcon with an equally large penis.
If you’re willing to accept a slightly less verified account, a man by the name of Roberto Esquivel Cabrera allegedly has an 18.9-inch penis. And for those who weren’t satisfied with the hand nature dealt them? There’s the world record holder for the longest penis extension held by an unidentified man who was operated on by Brazilian doctor Richardo Fischer. In 2000, Fischer added 6.3 inches to the man’s penis, bringing it over 10 inches in total length.
Oh, and the longest penis in the animal kingdom? The blue whale penis, which can measure up to 8 feet long. Figured you’d want to know that, too.
Ahhh, the smallest penis. The microscopic yin to its macroscopic wang — err, yang. If you’re in the running in this category, it’s most likely because you have a micropenis, a condition that affects less than 1 percent of the male population where the bulk of the penis is actually inside the body rather than outside. There’s also a condition called congenital hypoplasia, where a boy is born without a penis shaft at all — just a glans attached directly to his crotch.
With the way so many men seem hyper-focused on penis size, it’s hardly a surprise that smallest penis isn’t exactly a title anyone’s excited to grab the crown for. In fact, one popular factoid about the holder of the world’s smallest penis, which allegedly belongs to a Florida man named Mike Carson, is unverifiable. The best we can do is note an anonymous man in a penis size study whose penis measured a microscopic 0.39 inches.
At the end of the day, however, being a good lover has almost nothing to do with penis size — so if you’re closer to the smallest penis than the largest one, don’t worry too much. Good oral skills can go a long way.
Listen up, guys with one penis — you’re not that special. That’s because there’s at least one man out there with two penises. While he never disclosed his name, he did pen “Double Header: My Life With Two Penises,” a best-selling tell-all book on the subject of being affected by diphallia, a rare condition that leaves you with, well, two separate (but functioning) penises. As yet, no man appears to have three penises.
Mind-bendingly enormous breasts do exist. Just ask Annie Hawkins-Turner, aka Norma Stitz (yes, that’s a stage name made to sound like “enormous tits”), who has 102ZZZ breasts — and they’re natural.
A woman going by the name Maxi Mounds, meanwhile, claims to have the world’s largest surgically enhanced breasts with a mere 42M-sized bra. Which, yawn. Regardless, this seems like a good time to mention that having big breasts is really hard on a woman’s back.
Tatyana Kozhevnikova was inspired to start working out her pelvic muscles after feeling like they’d been weakened after giving birth. Eventually, she was able to pick up a 31 pound kettlebell with her private parts. Whoever said women were the weaker sex?
It’s not sex per se, but it’s hard to pass up the opportunity to note that the record for the world’s longest kiss is held by a couple from Thailand. Laksana and Ekkachai Tiranarat’s lip-locking session began during a Ripley’s Believe It or Not!-sponsored Valentine’s Day Kissathon in 2013, lasting a whopping 58 hours, 35 minutes and 58 seconds.
While Orgasms are great, and extended periods of post-coital bliss are as real as they are lovely, the actual moment of climax tends to be over in an instant. Unfortunately, your puny orgasms could never measure up to the longest orgasm on record, when an unnamed woman experienced an orgasm that was comprised of 25 different contractions over a period of 45 seconds.
A man named Horst Schultz holds the world record for the furthest ejaculation. How far did his ejaculate travel, you ask? Fully 18.75 feet, clocking in at42.7 mph. In case you were wondering, the average ejaculate speed is closer to 28 mph.
As much as female ejaculation deserves a place at the table, women don’t exactly measure up in this particular sex category; the furthest a woman has been recorded ejaculating is a mere 9 feet.
Women do have bragging rights when it comes to OPH (that’s orgasms per hour). A study at the Center for Marital and Sexual Studies in California found a woman experiencing 134 orgasms in a single hour. That same study’s most impressive male candidate put up a puny 16 orgasms in an hour, by comparison.
You might not be a record holder in any of these categories — or even close to breaking them — but there’s more to sex than setting world records. Next time you’re getting it on, solo or with a partner, just try setting a personal best instead. That’s more than enough to be proud of.
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