Preteen Spank

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Start small. Don't immediately spank your child if you see them doing something you dislike. Talk to them first, and try a nonviolent method of discipline if needed. If you decide to spank a child, it should only be as a last resort, after other methods have failed.
Conditional spanking (a mild spanking after a 2-to-6-year-old child has defied a less extreme form of discipline) is less risky than spanking as a first resort, according to some studies. [1]
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Ask the child calmly why they did what they did. The child may not have realized that what they did was wrong, or maybe you misunderstood what happened. Talking can help clarify the situation: either helping the child realize why their decision was a bad one or helping you realize that your child didn't misbehave after all.
If you're too upset to be calm, say "I'm so upset, I need a break to calm down." Walk out of the room and take some deep breaths. Then come back.


Talk to the child about the consequences of their actions. Older children are able to self-reflect and realize why something is wrong. Ask them how they think other people feel about what they did, or what their actions caused. You can use nonviolent communication and "I" phrasing for scripts like "When you ____, I feel ____." For example:

"How do you think your sister will feel about you breaking her toy?"
"When I didn't see you in the store, I felt really scared. I need you to stay close by so I know you're safe and not lost."
"How do you think Dad felt when he had to clean poop out of the bathtub?"



Consider whether the child needs to be punished at all. Not every learning opportunity needs to involve punishment.

For example, if your child resolves to do things differently after a conversation, then there's no need to punish them: they learned on their own.
Sometimes, it's you who needs the learning opportunity. Perhaps you expected too much of your child, or put them in a stressful situation that they weren't able to handle calmly. Kids don't always have the emotional tools to handle stress in a mature way. Try letting it go this time, and keeping your child's limits closer in mind next time.



Look at non-physical consequences if needed. Firmly and patiently tell them what needs to happen. Spanking should never be a first resort, and there are other ways to handle misbehavior. [2]
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Firmly say no. Give a short, clear response to them in a stern voice. For example, "we do not throw snowballs at people's faces."

Clap-growl. For a young child, clap your hands loudly enough to startle them. Then give a firm "no". But don't startle your child too much or else they might start a temper tantrum or argue back.

Logical consequences. Tell the child to clean up a mess they made, fix something they broke, or pay for a broken thing they can't fix. This teaches them to fix their own mistakes. (If they are too young to clean or pay for it, you can do it together with them.)

Give a choice. Let the child choose between two or three options that you are okay with. For example, if your child is resisting getting dressed, say "You can put on your shirt first or your pants first."

Making up. Have the child make amends if they wronged someone. For example, if your son said something mean to his sister, ask him how he could make it up to her by doing something nice for her. Offer suggestions if your child is struggling to think of something (e.g. "you could make her a card").

Time outs. A time out should last roughly 1 minute for each year of age (e.g. 2-minute time outs for a 2-year-old).

Removal of privileges. For example, if your child keeps pushing people while playing, take the toy away for now and tell them why.

Natural consequences. For example, if your child did not put their team uniform in the laundry hamper and it is not ready for the game as a result, that is a natural consequence.



Give yourself a time out if you get angry with your child. Parenting is hard, and it's normal to get frustrated or mad sometimes. If you feel like you're going to explode, step out of the room to calm down. You can discipline your child once you are level-headed.
Tell your child, "I am so mad, I don't know what to do! I am going to take a break to deal with my emotions."


Help a child who is struggling to do what you ask. Sometimes, if a child isn't following a rule often, it's because they're having a hard time (not because they want to be disobedient). Ask "Why is it hard for you to _____?" and listen to them explain why they struggle to follow the rule. Then, work together as a team to help them work on doing what they need to do.
If your child struggles with cleaning their room, it might help if you do it with them.


Talk to a child about how to behave better next time. Sometimes, kids misbehave because they just don't know better. Try asking the child "What would be a better way to handle that?" or suggesting some ways that they could handle a similar situation next time. Talking it out may help the child understand what to do instead in the future.
If the child agrees to do things better next time, then you may not need to punish them at all. Or, implement some reasonable logical consequences, like having them clean up their mess or apologize to someone they treated unfairly. What matters is that they learn, and punishment often isn't necessary for learning.


Praise the child for good behavior. Let them know that you appreciate it when they behave well and help them feel good about it. This motivates them to do it more often. Here are some examples of good praise:

"I saw you being so patient waiting for your turn on the swings! You did a really good job."
"I noticed you playing so nicely with your brother. I saw that you aren't hitting him anymore because you know better now. You are growing up into such a kind person."
"Thank you for putting on your shoes so quickly! Now we will have even more time at the park because you are ready early."



Be a good role model. Your child learns how to behave by watching you. Act the way you want your child to act, even if you aren't sure that your child is paying attention. Over time, your child will pick up on your habits.
Avoid hypocrisy. For example, if you spank your child, but then you tell your child that hitting is wrong, your child may be skeptical and/or confused.


Consider spanking only if you have tried all other options. Spanking should be a last resort, after issuing non-physical punishments like timeouts, grounding or denial of privileges. Before you announce the spanking, be 100% positive that you want to spank your child.

Spanking is illegal in many developed countries. Even if it's legal in your country, your city or region may have banned it.
Recognize that some people consider spanking to be abusive, especially if you hit hard. Never hit hard, use a tool, or leave bruises on a child. Child protective services may be called if people are concerned about you hitting your child.
Read up on alternatives to spanking. [6]
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Recognize the contemporary research on the consequences of spanking. Many modern long-term studies have shown that spanking worsens behavior instead of improving it. After a spanking, children can often feel rejected, resentful, and unloved. Instead of learning not to misbehave, they learn not to get caught while doing it. [7]
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Children who are spanked, or subjected to other forms of corporal punishment, are more likely to... [8]
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Have less gray matter in the brain
Develop learning disabilities
Develop mental health problems like anxiety and depression
Abuse drugs or alcohol
Distrust other people
Abuse spouses
Engage in criminal behavior as they age
Die young




Decide on a private place where the spanking will be administered. Spanking in front of others, especially friends or siblings, can be intensely embarrassing for your child. This can generate feelings of resentment that are counter-productive to your child learning better behavior. Especially if you spank on your child's bare bottom, privacy is important.
Spanking is already harsh. You don't want to worsen it by humiliating your child in front of people.


Warn your child that the consequence of their actions will be a spanking. The child may get upset, becoming angry, resentful, nervous, or even panicked. You should be understanding of these reactions, even if you’re firm about the consequence.

Crying is very natural before, during and after the spanking, and the child should never be punished for that.
Try giving one last warning, like "If you do not let go of her hair by the time I count to zero, then you will get a spanking." This may startle a child into behaving.



Spank with an open and empty hand, never a tool. Using anything other than an open hand can be dangerous, and should be avoided.
If you do not think you can control yourself, then leave the room and do not give the spanking.


Remove all rings from your fingers. These can hurt your child and be dangerous for own hands as well. You don't want anything that will obstruct the spanking or possibly hurt your child. Also, consider taking out any items in your pockets that may make it uncomfortable for your child to lie across your lap.


Bend your child over your knee. Sit down, then pull the child over your lap. Pull down the child's pants and/or underwear, if you choose to spank either over the panties or boxers, or on the bare bottom. Then, tell your child to stay still and not stand up. Let them tell you when they are ready.
If you choose to spank your child on their bare bottom, keep in mind that while it allows you to see if you are are hitting too hard or hitting in on the wrong spot, it also leaves your child's bare skin exposed to more intense pain, and many children, especially older ones, may feel uncomfortable from having some of their clothes taken off, especially if it involves exposing their private parts, including the bottom.



Relax your hand and all your limbs, with one firm hand on their back and one on their bottom. Make sure your child isn't squirming and their legs are locked.
Do not talk during the spanking. Save any conversation for after the spanking is done—just get it over.


Slap the child gently, never hit hard. It doesn't take a lot of force to successfully discipline your child, and hitting too hard can cause injury or trauma. Plus, the symbolism of the act is just as important as the actual pain inflicted.

To avoid injury to your child, you should keep a safe distance from the genital area, the coccyx and the kidneys of the child.
A spanking should not last too long, possibly no longer than 10/15 seconds.
Ideally, the slaps should be mildly uncomfortable but not painful, so make sure to listen to the child's responses, to know if you are hitting too hard. You should also pay attention to the effects of the slaps on the child's bottom, if you are spanking on their bare bottom: do not leave anything other than mild and temporary redness. If you spank this way, pull back up the child's pants and underwear as soon as the spanking ends.



Affirm your child afterwards. Tell them that you will always love them, even when they make bad choices. Emphasize that you think they are a good person who just made a bad decision. Never follow up a spanking with any other kind of punishment - after the spanking should come immediate forgiveness.

After a spanking, the child may think that they are a bad person, or that you don't love them. These misconceptions can lead to even worse behavior later on. [12]
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Don't force the child to receive affection after a spanking if they don't want to. Research shows that being affectionate towards a child after spanking them can actually worsen their anxiety, not decrease it. [13]
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The child might feel confused and think that the parent is unpredictable. If they want to run to their room and hide after a spanking, let them. [14]
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What if my dad threatens to assault me?

Tell someone you trust about it (like a teacher, counselor, or another adult family member), they can help you get to safety. If you're concerned about your safety at any point, you should just call the police, don't wait to tell someone until after something bad happens.

What if I know someone who is being "spanked" the wrong way, but they begged me not to tell? I even witness it myself and it is horrible to watch.

You must tell a trusted adult immediately, even though they are begging you not to tell. This is abuse and the only way it will stop is if you speak up.

My parents hit me all the time and call me names. What should I do?

Your parents shouldn't treat you this way and you don't deserve it. Please talk to an adult you trust: a good teacher, a parent of a friend, a clergy member, or someone else. If they do not listen, talk to someone who will. This is a real problem, and a helpful adult can help stop this from happening to you.

What if my child asks for a spanking for no reason?

I would question if there really is "no reason." Most likely the child feels like a punishment is necessary, and you need to find out why. Another option is that the child finds spanking somehow enjoyable, and in that case you need to know why. This may be an indication of abuse, or perhaps the child just needs physical closeness, a hug, or some time to sit in your lap and read a book together.

Is it okay if my mom screams at me during a spanking, and asks if I want more?

No, that's not okay. Many people believe spanking in general is not okay, and even people who support spanking agree that spankings should never be given in anger. Screaming at a child can mean emotional abuse. Your mom should not be screaming at you and hitting you under any circumstances. Please reach out to a trusted teacher, clergy member, or parent of a friend. An adult can help make sure that your mom stops this so you don't have to put up with it anymore.

My mom says she doesn't understand why spanking can be abusive. What should I do?

Do some online research and find some reputable sources that explain when and how spanking can become abusive. (A general rule of thumb is that if a spanking leaves any visible marks besides some temporary redness, it's abuse.) Show these resources to your mom and explain why they're reputable, like if they came from a nationally renowned medical organization.

I was spanked in a public place, Is that okay?

No, that was not okay. A spanking should always be administered in privacy.

Is it right to spank a child for lying?

No, this with likely cause them to lie more to avoid spankings. Instead, remove privileges or ground them.

How much would the average child get spanked?

In the modern, developed world, most children are not spanked at all. In some European countries, spanking is illegal - and decreased spanking rates are correlated with decreased aggression, violence, and crime rates once the children grow up. There are more effective and less harmful ways to discipline a child. See How to Discipline a Child and How to Punish a Child for guidelines.

I used to get spankings every night when I couldn't calm down in bed. Was that abusive?

Yes. Your parents used spanking as a way to show you they were frustrated and angry at you for not calming down in bed. This is abusive. They should have used calming techniques instead of spanking you.


wikiHow is a “wiki,” similar to Wikipedia, which means that many of our articles are co-written by multiple authors. To create this article, 191 people, some anonymous, worked to edit and improve it over time. This article has been viewed 1,277,521 times.

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Spanking is a much-debated topic. Most child psychologists do not recommend spanking as a discipline method for children. However, some parents will tell you that a spanking given with fairness, love, and care is an effective discipline technique. The decision as to the usefulness of spanking is best made by a child's parents, within the norms and laws of their local regions.

Tip: If this isn't what you want for your child's future, reconsider spanking. The steps in the "Disciplining Nonviolently" section can help you choose a more effective way to change your child's behavior, such as natural consequences.
Tip: If you don't think you're able to control your force, or your child feels embarrassed, opt for a spanking over clothing instead.
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