Pregnant Friends

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Pregnant Friends

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We want to be the first person to write “Congrats!” under your pregnancy announcement and mean it.
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One of the last social gatherings I attended before COVID-19 disrupted our lives was a baby shower for one of my dear friends who was pregnant with her first child.
Baby showers are always a fun celebration, especially for new moms, glowing among the oohs and ahhs as they unwrap monogrammed onesies, diapers and burp cloths.
I soon found myself guzzling down mimosas while sitting on the spacious “Not a Mom Yet” couch (also known as the “Dog Mom” couch) with the only other childless thirtysomething woman in the room.
Over on the Mommy Couch, squished shoulder-to-shoulder, were at least five women, picking at their tiny sandwiches and fruit kabobs while discussing their experiences with labor, day care waiting lists and the messes their toddlers make.
As the woman who threw the shower walked in the room, after running around for the last hour fussing over an obnoxiously large balloon arch and food trays, I asked her to come sit down and told her I admired her ability to stay on “go” mode.
Her response, as she passed us by for the Mommy Couch, was, “Wait until you become a mom. It’s second nature.”
An innocent comment that immediately felt like a punch in the gut.
Of course, the comment was harmless, and she certainly didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. But it did.
You see, there was no way this woman, whom I barely knew, could possibly know my struggles with trying to conceive.
I’m not going to detail my personal fertility journey. That’s not what this article is about. This article is about why it can be so hard to maintain certain friendships when you’re struggling with infertility.
It’s not that we aren’t happy for our pregnant friends. It’s not that we don’t love hearing about your children and all the incredible joys of being a mom. It’s not that we don’t want to know about how hard being a mom is. We don’t mean to roll our eyes over the oft-repeated phrase, “You’ll see when you become a mom.”
It’s that we desperately want to be moms... and it’s just not happening as easily as it seems to for everyone else.
We want to be the first person to write “Congrats!” under your pregnancy announcement and mean it. We want to be included when you and all our other mommy friends get together with the kids for playdates. We want to do all those things ― just without the feeling of being stabbed in the gut that usually comes along with it for those of us who are struggling.
In fact, sometimes these instances become our worst nightmare. Suddenly your BFF is pregnant and everything becomes about their checkups and maternity clothes. With each and every post on their pregnancy journey, their changing shape and their ultrasound photos comes a new reminder of the pain you want to forget.
When people you know “accidentally” get pregnant or conceive very quickly, it’s very easy to wonder what in the world is wrong with you when month after month you get a big, fat “negative” or “not pregnant” staring you in the face.
The truth is, it’s a heartbreaking journey for anyone who has been through it. It’s a journey that, frankly, a lot of people can’t relate to. It can damage friendships and cause distance with people you once felt close with.
Like when one of my pregnant friends asked me if I was jealous she was pregnant and I wasn’t. Don’t do that. Another time, several of my friends made plans, and I found out I wasn’t invited because they had their kids and they didn’t think I would want to come. Don’t do that, either.
There’s a fine line between not wanting to be bombarded by your friends’ good fortune and also not wanting to be left out of their life. We still want to be included.
We want to hear about your kids. We think your journey is wonderful. Just be mindful of our pain. If you are pregnant or have kids, and you have a friend struggling to conceive, be gentle with them.
Despite the fact that it seems like everyone else can sneeze and get pregnant, it’s actually a fairly common struggle many couples face. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about 1 in 8 couples in the United States struggles with infertility. That’s about 6.7 million couples each year.
Back at the baby shower, my friend was opening her gifts for her soon-to-be new baby girl. I could see the happiness imploding from her. I thought about how I couldn’t wait for that feeling.
And that’s when I started to reflect on myself. I realized I had become super distant from someone I had once been extremely close to, and it wasn’t because I hadn’t been invited. She had been making efforts to include me when others hadn’t, and yet I wasn’t showing up for her. Her pregnancy was far along now, and I’d basically been M.I.A. through it all so far because of what I was going through emotionally. After some thought, I realized I was thankful to still be included in this major life event.
Maybe these women weren’t actually obnoxious. Maybe I was just being bitter.
I’ve done a lot of self-reflection since that day. I realized that when it’s finally my turn to be sitting in that chair, I want to make sure I’ve given my friends a reason to want to be there for me.
Those of us struggling to conceive should also make adjustments. It’s not reasonable to be bitter at our friends for sharing their joy. Pregnancy is an amazing life moment. They should be screaming from the rooftops, as we would be, too.
Don’t lose your friends because your chapters aren’t the same. Don’t let bitterness and pain destroy your closest relationships. If your friendships matter to you, the two of you will figure out how to maintain and strengthen them through your journeys.
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Right now a lot of my friends are pregnant (it seems to come in waves). As one of the first moms to have kids in my peer group, I am the go-to person for advice, help and complaints. When I look back to being the only pregnant one, there were a lot of ways I lacked support from my friends and a lot of things I wish they had done. I try to remember these things for my friends who are currently moms-to-be. Here is my personal list of ways to help out a pregnant friend:
Who doesn't like company? When I had roommates, I loved having a revolving door of friends stopping by. Just having a quick chat with someone in person is a great way to boost your mood. Towards the end of her pregnancy, your friend might not be able to go out and about as much. Make time to stop by and hang out.
Living in NYC while I was pregnant, I used to try and walk as much as possible—only to be tempted with the delicious smells from waffle trucks, hot street pretzels, donut shops and bagels. Don't forget how hard those temptations are for a pregnant woman. Take one for the team and enjoy that fro-yo pit stop with her so she doesn't feel quite as guilty.
It's great to have dad there with you, but it can also be great to have a fellow mom there to hold your hand. Having someone who has already given birth can help you know what to ask and how to make you feel better about what's to come in that cold, sterile doctor's room.
Once that baby comes, there's a good chance she won't be having a girl's night for awhile. Plan a little get-together with the ladies to celebrate her last days of freedom. Just like you have bachelorette parties and babymoons—moms also need a "babyette" party: one last night out with her friends to enjoy great food and adult conversation before the sleepless nights begin. Take one day to make it all about "mom."
Remember how you used to Google every single one of your symptoms to see if you were in labor? Or tried to research what a mucus plug was? Who can talk about those weird, awkward things happening to your body better than someone who's already been through it? Let her know that you'll be there to answer any scary or gross questions—peace of mind will speak volumes for her.
Maybe you can't manage to pop by and hang out, so send her a surprise. If she tells you she's craving blueberries, mail her an order of blueberry waffles or muffins. If she hasn't been dealing well with morning sickness, send her some preggo-pops. The little things you surprise her with are sure to help make the aches and pains feel more bearable.
There will be times when people will ignore that bump poking out from her midsection. If you're out with her, nicely ask someone for their seat, or to let her cut the bathroom line at the mall. A mom-to-be can be hesitant to ask for herself and it's okay to remind people that it's polite to help a pregnant woman out.
I remember the day I could no longer see my feet. Since I was doing a lot of walking, my legs ached and my feet were swollen from the summer heat. The greatest feeling in the world was putting my feet up and having someone else rub them for me. Take her for a girl day to get a pedicure and pamper herself.
She may not ask (or like to pretend she has it all figured out) but that first time in a baby store is completely overwhelming. Take her to the store and walk around showing her your favorite picks, the things she'll really need and what she can do without. Just getting an idea of what to register for will relieve a lot of stress.
Moms-to-be are usually in denial about the hardships that lay ahead. Help her plan in advance by cooking or planning some freezer meals, helping her set up the nursery or even clean the house. Remember how hard it was just to try and get your shoes on pregnant? Imagine trying to sweep up those crumbs into a dust pan. The little things will go a long way.
Photo credit: iStock/ monkeybusinessimages

Wondering what to give your newly pregnant bestie? We’ve found the best gifts for a pregnant BFF.
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You may be an expert at birthday-present shopping, but when it comes to finding a gift for a pregnant friend, it’s a whole other ballgame. The best gift for a pregnant friend strikes the delicate balance between whimsical and practical. And because every pregnant woman deserves to be pampered, a thoughtfully picked present will go a long way—plus, they’ll think of you everytime they use it.
Wondering what to gift your pregnant friend? We know exactly what they might need that’ll sure make them feel spoiled and loved. We’ve selected the best products to soothe, comfort and delight your bestie, from the small things they’ll use daily to gifts that’ll make them excited for the journey ahead.
Let’s start this list with the basics—loungewear that’ll absolutely make any mom-to-be’s day. Stretchy, super-soft and adorable, 100 percent cotton will have your pregnant bestie running to change into these PJs way before it’s time to even think about sleep.
Buy it: Maternity pajama set, $100, Gap.com
Give your fave mom-to-be an excuse to pamper herself from top to toe with this set of nourishing and rejuvenating essentials for the tummy, legs and chest. Powered by natural, plant-based actives and housed in sustainable packaging, this one is a go-to gift for a pregnant friend.
Buy it: Mama Mio Bloomin’ Lovely Set $70, BuyBuyBaby.com
Whether your preggers pal is returning home from a hard day at the office or traveling on a babymoon, they’ll adore this super-soft and uber-cozy travel set from Barefoot Dreams. It contains a delicious eye mask, yummy socks and super-gentle hair elastic.
Buy it: Barefoot Dreams In the Wild Eye Mask, Socks & Scrunchie Travel Set, $98, Nordstrom.com
This beautiful deck of cards was designed by a doula to help moms-to-be through the whole journey of pregnancy and beyond. With daily meditations, exercises and positive affirmations, this is one gift for a pregnant friend who needs some self-care (and who doesn’t?)
Buy it: The Doula Deck for Expecting and New Moms, $19, UncommonGoods.com
You know your friend’s aesthetic better than anyone else. So why not help jumpstart their chic maternity wardrobe with this super-simple yet super-stylish LBJ (that’s short for little black jumpsuit). With a wrap-over tie front, this reversible terry-cloth jumpsuit is both effortless and fabulous, and it can easily be dressed up or down. (Oh, and it’s universally flattering—so there’s that.)
Buy it: Short Sleeve French Terry Reversible Maternity Jumpsuit, $98, APeainthePod.com
Practical and pretty gifts for pregnant women are hard to come by. But the sweetest gift of all is a way to preserve the most memorable moments of pregnancy. Enter this guided journal. Arranged by trimester and containing fun checklists and prompts, your bestie will be able to document all the highs and lows of the next few months.
Buy it: The Pregnancy Journal: A Beautiful and Modern Pregnancy Planner, $20, Amazon.com
Staying hydrated while pregnant is practically a full-time job—especially in the heat and when a trip to the bathroom occurs every half an hour. This 32-ounce vacuum-insulated stainless steel option keeps its cool, is cute to carry on-the-go and makes the perfect bedtime accessory, for middle-of-the-night thirst cravings.
Buy it: All in Motion stainless steel water bottle, $25, Target.com
Delicious, fuzzy slippers? Yes, please! This adorable teddy-inspired faux-shealing pair will keep your pregnant friend footies comfy, warm and supported throughout those exhausting nine+ months.
Buy it: Minnetonka Teddy Faux Shearling Slipper, $50, Nordstrom.com
Looking for a unique and special way to turn baby’s sonograms into a keepsake piece of art? Your favorite expectant mama will cherish this three-trimester frame well after they get to meet their little one.
Buy it: Pearhead 3-Photo Sonogram Trimester Picture Frame, $20 BuyBuyBaby.com
Your friend might put on a brave face, but pregnancy lasts a whole 40+ weeks, and carrying around an extra human (or two!) can put added strain on the back, hips, pelvic area and abs. This maternity belt can help as it offers support and compression when you need it most. Talk about useful pregnancy gifts.
Buy it: Upsie Belly Pregnancy Support Band, $70, BuyBuyBaby.com
Aside from the cute name, your friend will love these bath salts made of pure magnesium from the Dead Sea; they alleviate pregnancy aches and pains, while also offering morning sickness relief during relaxing soaks.
Buy it: Pink Stork Pregnancy Flakes, $17, Amazon.com
You don’t always need liquor to have a great time, and these fun mocktail and cocktail mixes prove it! With fruity and herbaceous flavors and high-quality ingredients, these starters are worthy of a hearty toast! And, hey, they’ll be great to use if and when mama decides to imbibe again once baby is on the scene.
Buy it: Botanical Infused Simple Syrups, $45, UncommonGoods.com
The most underrated pregnancy gift for a friend? A comfy nursing bra that she can enjoy wearing throughout her pregnancy and beyond. This one also gets bonus points for all the pretty mesh detailing. With durable sleek nylon fabric that’s soft enough to sleep in and pretty enough to feel sexy in.
She might not be able to chug coffee at the moment, but she’ll appreciate drinking her once-a-day half-caff or mint tea out of this adorable “mom in a million” mug. And once baby arrives, she’ll be filling this cup with caffeinated goodness over and over again.
Buy it: Threshold 16 oz Stoneware Mom in a Million Mug and Saucer, $10, Target.com
Still searching for great gifts for pregnant women? While in the past they wouldn’t check the cute box, pregnancy compression socks definitely score points on practicality. Any mama-to-be would love the stabilizing relief (20 - 30 mmHG of compression) they offer and the comfy fit and quality. They work wonders during pregnancy, when leg and foot pain and swelling are at an all-time high.
Buy it: Premium Maternity Compression Socks (2-Pack), $30, KindredBraverly.com
One of the most useful pregnancy gifts—this pillow will double as a sleeping buddy as baby grows bigger and sleeping becomes an art to master. Plus, the brand offers beautiful prints that’ll liven up any living area, while working as a nursing pillow post-pregnancy.
Buy it: DockATot La Maman Wedge Nursing Pillow, $63, BuyBuyBaby.com
Dainty, beautiful and simple, this is perfect for someone who’s about to become a mama. This lovely jewelry is one of the most perfect pregnancy gifts for first-time moms. It’s something they will cherish forever.
Buy it: Bychari Essential Mama Necklace, $115, Madewell.com
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