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Suitable for 9-11 years
Pre-teen behaviour and how to manage it
As part of growing up and becoming more independent, your child needs to test out independent ideas and ways of behaving. Sometimes this involves disagreeing with you, giving you a bit of ‘attitude’, pushing the limits and boundaries you set, wanting to be more like friends and even taking risks. This can become more common as your child moves towards the teenage years.
Although it can be stressful for you, this is all a normal and common part of growing up. And this phase will pass.
Some of the changes in pre-teen and teenage behaviour are explained by the way teenage brains develop. The parts of the brain responsible for impulse control don’t fully mature until about age 25. The brain changes offer upsides and downsides – pre-teens and teenagers can be imaginative, passionate, sensitive, impulsive, moody and unpredictable.
Confident teenagers have the ability to avoid people and situations that aren’t right for them, and to find those that are. You can build your child’s confidence by looking for practical and positive activities that give your child a good chance of success, and praising your child for putting in a good effort.
Encouraging good behaviour in pre-teens is about communicating openly with your child, being consistent, and creating and maintaining a warm and loving family environment.
This positive and supportive approach to behaviour often means you have less need for discipline strategies. When you do need to use discipline for pre-teens, the most effective strategies focus on setting agreed limits and helping your child work within them.
Rules, limits and boundaries help your child learn independence, manage and take responsibility for her behaviour, and solve problems. Your child needs these skills to become a young adult with her own standards for appropriate behaviour and respect for others.
In this short video, mums, dads and pre-teens talk together about why family rules are important, how rules are decided, and how household jobs are shared out. They also talk about how to sort out conflict over the rules.
Praise and encouragement are powerful motivators. At this age your child still needs your approval. When you notice and praise your child for positive behaviour, it can encourage him to keep behaving in this way. Praise also sets a positive tone for your relationship.
Rude or disrespectful behaviour can happen in the pre-teen years – although not all children behave this way.
If this kind of behaviour is an issue for your family, setting clear rules lets your child know what you expect. For example, you could say, ‘We speak respectfully in our family. This means we don’t call people names’.
Involving your child in these discussions means you can later remind her that she helped make the rules, and that she agreed to them. Your child is also more likely to follow the rules if she thinks they’re fair.
Modelling these rules in your own behaviour shows that you mean what you say.
If you need to talk to your child about some rude behaviour, staying calm and picking your moment will help the conversation go better. It can also help if you focus on your child’s behaviour. Instead of saying, ‘You’re rude’, you could try saying something like, ‘I feel hurt when you speak like that to me’.
Our video guide to disrespectful behaviour takes you through a behaviour scenario and shows you how different approaches to handling disrespectful behaviour get different results.
Fighting with siblings
Sibling fighting can be stressful, but it’s normal. And as long as it doesn’t get physical, it helps children learn important life skills, like how to sort out problems, deal with different opinions and treat others with respect.
When you coach your children in sorting out their conflicts, you help them develop these skills. You can also motivate them to resolve fights themselves. For example, if they’re fighting over the computer, you could take away their access to it until they can work out a solution together.
Peer influence
Peer influence is when you do something you wouldn’t otherwise do because you want to feel accepted and valued by others. It isn’t just doing something against your will, and it can actually be positive. Sometimes it might involve following scenes, trends and fashions to feel part of a social group – this is normal for older children and teenagers.
If your child is confident, with a strong sense of himself and his values, it’s more likely he’ll know where to draw the line when it comes to peer influence.
In this short video, we hear parents’ and teenagers’ perspectives on peer pressure and influence. They talk about needing to feel part of the group and be seen as ‘cool’, as well as the pressure to have the latest technology. They say that peer pressure doesn’t necessarily lead to risky behaviour.
Cyberbullying
In the pre-teen years, your child might have more access to the online world. Cyberbullying is using digital technology to deliberately and repeatedly harrass, humiliate, embarrass, torment, threaten, pick on or intimidate someone. It can be tough to spot, but there are steps you and your child can take to prevent and stop cyberbullying .
Risk-taking
Risk-taking is an important way for pre-teens to learn about themselves and try new things. It might be trying new tricks at the skate park. But it could also include more concerning behaviours like truanting or smoking.
You can help your child learn to assess risks. Talking about your family values and keeping the lines of communication open is also a good idea. And you might be able to channel the desire to take risks into extracurricular activities or community activities like sports, music or drama.
In this short video, teenagers talk about what risk-taking behaviour is, how they work out whether a situation or action is risky, and how they react when their friends are doing something that they think is risky. Parents discuss how they deal with their children doing potentially risky things.
A lot of pre-teen and teenage behaviour is a normal part of growing towards young adulthood.
But you might be worried if there are changes in your child’s attitude or behaviour, along with other changes like mood swings, withdrawal from family or friends and usual activities, or poor school attendance.
If you’re concerned about your child’s behaviour, you could:
Feinstein, S. (2010). Inside the teenage brain: Parenting a work in progress. Lanham: Rowman & Littlefield.
Gallimberti, L., Buja, A., Chindamo, S., Lion, C., Terraneo, A., Marini, E., Gomez-Perez, L.J., & Baldo, V. (2015). Prevalence of substance use and abuse in late childhood and early adolescence: What are the implications? Preventive Medicine Reports, 2, 862-867. doi: 10.1016/j.pmedr.2015.09.018.
Siegel, D.J. (2013). Brainstorm: The power and purpose of the teenage brain. New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher & Penguin.
Withers, M., McWey, L., & Lucier-Greer, M. (2016). Parent-adolescent relationship factors and adolescent outcomes among high-risk families. Family Relations, 65(5), 661-672. doi: 10.1111/fare.12020.
Staying connected: you and your teenage child
Staying connected with your teenage child is about building closeness through everyday activities. Get practical tips for positive relationships with teens.
Relationships with parents and families: why teenagers need them
Teenagers need parents and families for love, support and guidance – though it might not always seem like it. Read how to strengthen bonds with your teen.
Independence in teenagers: how to support it
To achieve independence, teenagers need freedom to try new things, firm and fair family rules, good decision-making skills, and your guidance and support.
Social and emotional changes: 9-15 years
Adolescence is a time of big social changes and emotional changes for your child. Here’s what to expect and how to support your child through the changes.
Positive teenage friends and friendships are an important part of the journey to adulthood for your child. Read how to support your child’s friendships.
Teenage bullying: what to look for and how to help
Teenage bullying is never OK. If you’re worried your child is being bullied, look for signs of problems at school, as well as emotional and physical signs.
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