Porn Is Cheating
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Porn Is Cheating
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Recent research finds the effects of porn on marriage vary greatly, depending upon characteristics of the marriage and the porn use.
Large portions of survey respondents in both the U.S. (73%) and Spain (77%) believe porn use is not cheating.
Those from the U.S. who attend church, don’t watch porn themselves, and are currently single more often tend to view porn as cheating.
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Mental Health
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The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
Posted February 14, 2018
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Reviewed by Lybi Ma
Pornography is a hot-button issue of the day, and every season, more states add themselves to the list of legislatures that have declared pornography, and internet pornography, to be a public health crisis. Often, these legislative efforts identify pornography as having blanket negative effects on people, and especially on couples.
Historically, many have claimed that porn use causes divorce and marital difficulties on the basis of pretty sloppy data and research. Recent research is finding that the effects of porn on marriage vary greatly, depending upon some characteristics of the marriage and the porn use. Nonreligious couples who watch porn together seem to be quite well insulated from experiencing any negative effects from porn use.
But, isn’t watching porn the equivalent of cheating—getting sex outside the marriage? Dr. Phil has suggested that watching porn is “not OK” and likely opens the door to cheating. Antiporn group Fight the New Drug proclaims that watching porn is cheating, because it feels like it, and because of oxytocin . (They suggest that watching porn releases oxytocin in the brain, which causes you to “bond” with the porn, rather than your real life partner). And the explicitly religious organization Covenant Eyes declares that using porn is cheating, because it is “engagement with a digital prostitute despite one’s vow to forsake all others.”
So now, research sheds some interesting light on this question, and helps to reveal that not all people view porn use as cheating—in fact, most don’t. And further, the people who do view porn as cheating tend to be a certain group of people.
Negy, et al. recently published research where they examined people’s attitudes about porn and cheating. They also compared respondents in the U.S. to respondents from Spain. First, a very large portion respondents in both the U.S. (73%) and Spain (77%) believe that porn use is not cheating.
Things get really interesting when Negy and researchers examine what characteristics predict a person's viewing porn as cheating. First, being from the U.S., compared to Spain, was associated with viewing porn as cheating. So were being single (not in a relationship at the time) or being a person who doesn’t watch porn. Finally, people who have low self-esteem are more likely to view porn use as cheating, but only if they are from the U.S. Interestingly, there weren’t any gender differences. Women were not more likely than men, across the board, to view porn as cheating.
So what’s going on here? Well, when people are not in a relationship, they may be more likely to have idealistic and more rigid views about what constitutes cheating than those who are currently in a relationship and who may have somewhat more pragmatic, accepting, and realistic views.
People who watch porn tend to have less concern and fear about the impact of porn than those who don’t. Other researchers have found that couples in which one or both partners use porn commonly report that it has “no negative effects” or positive effects on their relationships.
What about the U.S. vs. Spain comparison? First, the U.S. has much stronger, negative and rigid negative attitudes about infidelity , compared to Spain and many other European countries. What was even more interesting in this research however, was the finding that in respondents from the U.S., being religious also predicted the view that porn is cheating, whereas Spanish respondents showed no effect of religiosity . About 70% of Spaniards identify as Catholics, but only around 9% of the citizens attend church at least monthly. In contrast, as much as 42% of Americans attend church weekly. Multiple studies on the effects of porn find that it is attendance of church services, rather than identification as religious, which appear to be mediating variable on the impact of porn on a person and relationship.
In general, Europeans, and Spanish Catholics, tend to be less punitive about sex in general, and also less dogmatic and energized about their religion, compared to many U.S. evangelical church-goers. These differences probably lie at the root of these interesting findings, affecting how people from different cultures view their religion and sexuality .
So, is watching porn cheating? It depends. If you are from the U.S., attend church, don’t watch porn yourself and are currently single, then yes, it’s pretty likely you will judge watching porn as a form of cheating.
But, what if you’re wondering if your partner will view watching porn as cheating? Should you run through a demographic checklist?
No: You should ask your partner, and talk to them about their views of porn and infidelity in general (such as whether a behavior like talking to an ex on Facebook is seen as a betrayal). This is an important conversation that far too few couples have, usually because they’re scared of what they might hear, or what cans of worms might get opened.
Most people don’t view porn use as cheating—so your odds are pretty good, actually. But if they find out you are watching porn in secret, or have lied about it, then there are issues of secrecy and deception to deal with. If you start to talk about your sexual and relational values, then you can start to have a deeper, more accepting, honest relationship, where you can even discuss issues such as sexual privacy, or how the two of you might deal with temptations of infidelity. Ultimately, these are foundations that build strong relationships, whether porn is involved or not.
David J. Ley, Ph.D. , is a clinical psychologist and the author of Insatiable Wives, Women Who Stray and The Men Who Love Them .
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Psychology Today © 2022 Sussex Publishers, LLC
The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
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Luke Gilkerson has a BA in Philosophy and Religious Studies and an MA in Religion. He is the author of Your Brain on Porn and The Talk: 7 Lessons to Introduce Your Child to Biblical Sexuality . Luke and his wife Trisha blog at IntoxicatedOnLife.com
I’ve heard it said that there are men who don’t look at porn, and then there are men who are breathing. If recent surveys are any indication, porn use has become the norm among men, not the exception.
Still, I get a lot of questions from women who are feeling the heartbreaking impact of porn on their marriages. To them porn feels like cheating , and for good reason.
I understand why many don’t think this is true (reasons I’ll address below), but first it is important that I define some terms.
By “using porn” I don’t mean merely seeing it. It’s hard not to walk about in public places or go online without seeing something that is at least meant to titillate the eyes of men. When I say “using” I mean intentionally taking porn in through one’s senses with the intention of being turned on and then, most likely, masturbating or at least getting sexually aroused.
By “cheating” I mean that using porn is breaking a vow—either implicitly or explicitly—made to one’s spouse. This is because marriage is, in part, about sexual exclusivity; it is about “forsaking all others.”
Take some steps with me down a morally slippery slope.
Step 1: Let’s say I were to visit a prostitute and have sex with her. That would be cheating on my wife. I assume no one would debate me on this point.
Step 2: However, let’s say that when I met with the prostitute we didn’t actually touch each other : I just watched her have sex with someone else while I masturbated in the same room. (Weird, I know. But just go with it.) Would that be cheating? Both in this case and in the previous case I am seeking the services of a prostituted woman for sexual pleasure—seeking out and enjoying the body of a woman who is not my wife in order to be sexually gratified.
Could a man rightly say, “Yes, I pleasured myself in front of a hooker, but we didn’t touch each other. I stayed faithful to you”? I don’t think so. The pretense of no physical contact doesn’t matter because the action still violates the spirit of the sexual exclusivity.
Step 3: However, let’s say I didn’t visit the prostitute in person but only interacted with her online through erotic video chat. Let’s say I masturbated during the chat session while using the video image as the source of my fantasy. Is this cheating? Has the lack of physical proximity suddenly changed the situation that it is no longer breaking my marriage vow? I don’t think so.
Step 4: Now let’s say that instead of engaging in the video chat live, the prostitute recorded herself for me so I could masturbate at my convenience. Is this still cheating? Am I now suddenly remaining faithful to my marriage vows because someone hit the record button? No. That’s just stupid.
Step 5: Now let’s say the prostitute has a business card with a fancy title on it: “Pornographic Actress.” She even has a website with a resume listing of all the films she’s been in. Her pimp—I mean, agent—pays taxes and everything. Totally legit. Let’s say I reach out to this prostitute and pay her to view her recorded videos which she gladly sells me. Is this cheating? Does the change in title and the veneer of professionalism change the nature of the act? No.
Step 6: Now let’s say that this entire enterprise is industrialized so that this woman is part of a large network of other prostitutes who are doing the same thing. Much like walking into a brothel, I can pick the woman I want when I want, pay my fee, and enjoy her body for my lustful purposes. Is this cheating? What about the industrialized nature of the product changes the nature of the act? Nothing.
And on this last step we have arrived at what the modern porn industry is. This is why using pornography is cheating. It is engagement with a digital prostitute despite one’s vow to forsake all others.
I can hear the screeching of mental breaks right about now. Many are thinking, “Wait a second. Something major has shifted between the first scenario and the last. No one sees porn as digital prostitution . If this was the way our culture understood porn, it might be one thing. But very few people who watch porn go online thinking, ‘I can’t wait to get sexual gratification from a digital prostitute.'”
This is a good objection. After all, motive and intention count for something when it comes to the promises or vows we make. If I sign a contract saying I will not share proprietary information from my employer, but then forward a work e-mail along to a friend, not knowing it counts as “proprietary,” I’m not guilty of intentionally breaking my promise (even if my employer has grounds to fire me). Someone who uses porn might think along the same lines: “I’m just watching video clips made by actors and actresses, not intentionally seeking digital interactions with a prostitute.”
I agree, but motives only carry some of the weight when it comes to our moral decisions. The above slippery slope is not as much about motives as it is about the nature of the actions. Behind the making of pornography are real people really selling themselves for the sexual gratification of viewers. The medium doesn’t change the fact that a prostituted woman was used for her body and sex appeal, no matter the viewer’s understanding of the act.
This is why so many women say using porn feels like cheating: the act of seeking out another woman for sexual pleasure—even if she is hidden behind a veil of pixels and a sleazy acting agency—is not a movement towards faithfulness, but away from it.
However, by saying that using porn is breaking a marriage vow, I am not prescribing a specific reaction we should have to it. The six-step slippery slope presents six different scenarios, each having their own gravity of offense. They may all be cheating, but they all show
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