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Read Deidre’s personal replies to today’s problems
I KISSED my sister to comfort her after her boyfriend dumped her and we ended up having sex on her sofa.
She has a good job, a flat of her own and a nice car but her partner was a rat.
She’s beautiful but he made her feel worthless.
He was always calling her names. When he cheated he somehow made her feel it was her fault.
Nobody in our family has ever liked him. She is 21 and I am 25.
She called me one evening a couple of months ago and was in bits. She said her boyfriend had been seeing someone else and when she confronted him he called her fat and ugly.
He threw his clothes into a bin bag and stormed out, saying they were finished for good.
She was crying and saying she must be really ugly because she didn’t deserve to be loved.
I went round there straight away to comfort her. I put my arms round her and cuddled her to reassure her.
I told her she is pretty and cute and I kissed her on the lips. She stopped crying and asked if I meant it. I said yes and kissed her again more passionately.
We both got carried away, went into her bedroom and had sex. It was mind-blowing.
I stayed the night in her bed and we had sex again next morning. We both enjoyed it but agreed we needed to keep it secret.
I couldn’t forget about it though, and I went round two days later to talk about it.
We ended up in bed again and it was even better. We have carried on having sex since then. This morning she dropped the bombshell that she is pregnant and it is my baby.
She wants me to move in with her and us to live as a couple.
DEIDRE SAYS: Brother and sister can sometimes find each other attractive, because you grew up together and feel so comfortable in one another’s company, but that doesn’t mean it is all right to have a sexual relationship. In fact, it is illegal.
You and your sister must stop having sex. It’s not just that you could both be in serious trouble with the law and your family, but that it is trapping you both when you should be out there forming other relationships.
Don’t move in with her as that would make it hard to resist temptation.
You both need to get out with other friends and look for a loving relationship
outside the family. It is a key part of growing up.
If she goes ahead with the pregnancy, there will be so many questions about who the dad is, which could be difficult to deal with and think how this would be for the child.
My e-leaflet on Unplanned Pregnancy explains more and Brook help under 25s with this sort of problem ( brook.org.uk ).
You can text them for advice on 07537 402024.
I WAS so frustrated when I discovered my partner had gambled away our mortgage money yet again, I threw a casserole of hot food at him and he called the police.
He admitted he had a gambling problem during our first year together. He promised to get help and I said I would support him but it’s been so difficult.
He stopped for a few weeks but then started again. That has been the pattern for 18 months. I’m 31, he’s 29 and we live together, buying our own house now.
He has agreed to get help and we’ve decided to try starting our relationship afresh with date nights once a week. But even if we get back on track and he stops gambling, I am always going to think, “What next?”
DEIDRE SAYS: He has said he’s going to get help before so he has to understand this really is his last chance. GamCare can help ( gamcare.org.uk , 0808 8020 133).
He should only have access to cash he needs for basics for the day and you should have control of your joint money for bills, credit cards, bank account etc.
My e-leaflet Gambler In The Family explains more.
I’M looking after my mother as she recovers from stomach cancer so life is tough enough, but I think my boyfriend of two years is cheating on me again.
I’m a gay man of 25 and an only child. He is 22.
When my mum fell ill six months ago he agreed that we should care for her.
We are so in love but he has cheated on me loads. Now every time I enter the room I hear frantic clicking from his laptop. When I look, it’s magically on the home screen. I can’t just throw him out because his family are homophobic.
I used to feel confident and have a good body image but that’s slowly ebbing away. I’m worried about my mum as well. I don’t know what to do.
DEIDRE SAYS: You are under a lot of pressure and it seems your boyfriend is not up to being supportive.
His horrible family background won’t have set a good example but you can’t accept his cheating.
Tell him he must either commit to being faithful, or go. Then the choice is his.
I’m sending you My Gay Resources e-leaflet. For further help see Macmillan Cancer Support ( macmillan.
org.uk , 0808 808 0000).
MY boyfriend eyes up other girls so much, I wonder if he’s fantasising about them.
He does it all the time whenever we are out. It eats me up and I end up having a go at him about it. He denies it but even my friends have noticed.
We have been together for four years. I’m 20 and he’s 22.
He says he loves me and nobody else and wants us to be happy, yet we don’t have sex very often.
When we do, it’s all about him. There’s no foreplay and it only lasts a few minutes.
I generally feel that he is just with me because I am there and I put up with it all, but am I being paranoid?
DEIDRE SAYS: If friends have noticed, you are clearly not being paranoid.
My e-leaflet How To Have Great Sex will help but you must spell out to him what it takes to be a good lover.
Putting more energy into his sex life could stop his eyes wandering. If not, he will never make you happy.
I LOVE my wife but it’s not her I’m thinking about when we are having sex.
Our marriage is good and we get on great. I’m 27, she is 24.
She has a sister who is two years younger. I didn’t take much notice of her at first but she looked stunning at a party last year and I couldn’t take my eyes off her.
Since then, when I have sex with my wife, I think about her sister. I’m so confused.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your wife’s sister probably shares some of the characteristics that attracted you to your wife in the first place but with the spice of being forbidden.
Make no mistake, letting your thoughts focus on her is going to cause big trouble.
When your mind wanders, open your eyes, look at your wife and remind yourself that she is the one you are with.
My e-leaflet 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex will help you pep up the sex and knock out thoughts of anyone else.
ONE in five men suffer from loss of sex drive at some point. That isn’t surprising when stress and depression can knock passion for six. My e-leaflet Reviving A Man’s Sex Drive explains what you and your partner can do. Email the address below for a copy.
EVERY problem gets a free personal reply.
Email me here , private message me on Facebook , or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
You can also follow me on Twitter @deardeidre .
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