Porn Halloween Costumes
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Porn Halloween Costumes
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Sexy costumes have become an inevitable and ubiquitous part of Halloween. We have no problem with them—if dressing up like a midriff-baring Frozen character is your idea of a good time, hey, knock yourself out—but we'd appreciate it if we could all agree to stop misusing the word "sexy." These costumes may be many things, but by no definition do they qualify as sexy. You want proof of just how unsexy most "sexy" Halloween costumes are? Even a porn star knows the difference. And that's saying something! The adult movie industry invented unsexy things pretending to be sexy. If the creative forces who masterminded "pizza delivery guy" as a plausible seduction scenario can look at today's sexy Halloween costumes and say "Wow, that is unsexy," then it is, by definition, unsexy. That's just science.
We called Joanna Angel—an adult film actress who's played lots of ridiculously costumed characters in movies like Fuckenstein and Evil Head —and asked for her analysis of seven of this year’s top-selling “sexy” Halloween costumes from online superstore Party City.
"Hot S.W.A.T.? Really? You can't just say 'Hey, I'm into handcuffs'? You have to disguise it as law enforcement? Also, the little ballerina dress totally screws up the fantasy. A legitimately sexy costume should look realistic but with a slightly erotic edge to it. This looks like it was designed by an 8-year-old girl who couldn't decide if she wanted to be a princess or police woman for Halloween."
"I don't even understand what this is supposed to be. Is this the queen from a deck of cards? How is that sexy? I guarantee you that I've never played poker and glanced down at the jack of hearts and thought 'I would totally bang that dude.' The joker maybe, but that's a whole other story."
“This was clearly made for someone who has not seen a carbohydrate in about 6 years. It’s from the scene in Return of Jedi where Princess Leia is chained to Jabba the Hutt so she can't escape. So this costume is obviously code for: ‘I am a fit girl who is into very large guys and bondage play.’ ”
“Take away the white face makeup, and this outfit looks like what Karen O wore every single day on the first Yeah Yeah Yeah's tour. I dig how the costume serves double duty: it’s an outfit you can wear on Halloween and to a Vampire Weekend concert. It’s a great excuse to go to a party and not talk to anyone. You know, because she’s a mime. She’s not rejecting you, she’s just staying in character.”
“So this costume was made for one of the six people who actually enjoyed the Catwoman movie? Well, I can't wait to see the 'sexy' Green Lantern or the 'sexy' RoboCop remake costumes that all the boys will be wearing this year.”
“This costume screams ‘Hey! I really want to be compassionate towards same-sex relationships but have absolutely no idea how.’ Anyone who has ever had sex with someone of the same gender would not be caught dead wearing this costume. I wouldn't even say this is for the bi-curious crowd. This is for the bi-confused, or the bi-justboughtareallylamecostume.”
“This costume is just foreshadowing. The girl who wears this is obviously going to wind up at the police station with a DUI at the end of the night. When she gets pulled over and she stumbles out of the car reeking of pink pussy shots and menthol lights, she can tell the cops, ‘Don't worry, I brought my own cuffs.’ ”
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Eric Spitznagel
Eric Spitznagel is a frequent contributor to magazines like Playboy, Esquire, and the New York Times, and was employed for over two decades by the Second City comedy theater, where Stephen Colbert was his Secret Santa _twice.
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Porn actress Joanna Angel dissects 7 revealing outfits
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