Porn Doesn T See It Yet

Porn Doesn T See It Yet

fusion47 and BravelyKegger like this.

I remember when I was younger i would get very aroused by porn, but now I hardly get aroused anymore and feel I am wasting my time watching it, yet I keep coming back probably out of habit. Is it a bad sign, shouldn't a normal person get aroused if they see porn? Or have i become desensitized?
You worry about being desensitized to something negative and poisonous? Isn't that a great thing? A victory? Perhaps you're even maturing and growing up, putting teenager's lustful excitements aside that otherwise destroy grown-men's lives who have never learned to let go but create a greater world of P all the more to their destruction. Don't go back into P, like a dog who returns to eat his own vomit, as the saying goes.

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I'm worried that I won't get as excited anymore with a real woman as I should be normally.

Anonymous86 , Ghost79 and fusion47 like this.

Discussion in ' Porn Addiction ' started by Ghost79 , Nov 7, 2021 .

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By Dr. Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC , Mar 12, 2020

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What man doesn’t want to have sex? Don’t men think about sex every 6 seconds? Well, no, that’s actually a myth, but it’s true that most men want sex. So, if your husband doesn’t want sex but watches porn how does that make any sense?
For most women this makes absolutely no sense at all and is extremely confusing. He’s obviously interested in sex or he wouldn’t be interested in porn, right?
Correct. However, watching porn is about a lot more than sex. Keep reading and I’ll explain.
My husband and I have been together for 18 years. He started on the porn sites since the beginning practically. When he kisses me it ‘doesn't feel’ right. No loving. Could this be in my head? Am I expecting too much from kisses? I know there are pecks between a husband and wife but there has never really been passion. I feel it is just a motion. I have never said anything but even if I approach him most of the time it feels as if he doesn't want me to touch him. Could this be all in my mind? All I know is I feel empty at times. My heart aches. He says we don't need intercourse to be intimate. I understand that, but then when we go six months without sex and I know he is interested in it because I catch him watching porn. I know I can't compete and after 18 years I think I have been more than patient. I have tried to be attractive but it is never enough. I can't compete. When is enough---enough?” -Carol
Carol’s like a lot of women. She wants physical affection and he doesn’t. Her husband doesn’t even want sex, yet he watches porn. And she doesn’t get it. Can you relate?
A regular complaint I hear from men is that they’re unhappy with their sex lives. Most often it’s about the frequency of sex, with the desire of their partner to have sex, and her willingness to initiate and be a bit adventurous frequently mentioned also. So how does porn match up to these wishes?
Why do men like porn so much? Because it’s always ready to please you, always available, and takes no effort.
In some ways it’s really just that simple. However, there’s much more to porn’s appeal than just convenience. Porn is also:
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 12. We were friends for about a year before we started dating. He is tall and relatively thin for a man in his early 40s and I am 38 and about a foot shorter than him. When we married I was a size 10 with an hourglass shape and now I'm an 18 with no shape. Some of my weight gain is due to fertility treatments, some to depression and eating issues and the rest to a desk job. I should try harder to lose it and think often about what I could do - but despite having successfully lost in the past I can't seem to find the energy to actually do it now. I'm not sure whether it's my weight gain, our infertility struggles or his obvious addiction to unrealistic porn that's causing our lack of intimacy. We don't always mesh in the bedroom (I'm rather vanilla but I think that's more of a confidence issue). But we've still always had a pretty good physical relationship. But why, if he's having ED issues, can he masturbate on a very regular basis? (so embarrassing) It's really hurtful to me when I see this stuff up on his phone, or when he regularly tells me he's too tired or just gives me a hug and says ‘no’. And while for years we were a very PDA type couple with hand holding, hugging, arm around my shoulders type couple, now I could go for a few weeks without him reaching to touch me. It's always me reaching for him. I don't understand how to approach this differently and he doesn't want to talk about this or talk to anyone. He's my best friend but this is starting to fracture our relationship. I've told him I'm worried about it and just he says, again, that he just doesn't feel like having sex, etc. (with an inferred ‘at all’ at the end) but that he loves me very much. What can I do? It hurts...” - Trinity
Many men, like Trinity’s husband, think all they want and need is a sexual release, but not sexual intimacy. They’re wrong, however, and don’t know it. If all you want is a release then porn will give you that, but while doing so it deceives you that you don’t need more than that and you actually do.
Thinking about and wanting to have sex is not a problem for most men. What can be a problem is actually being able to have sex. And I don’t mean just having a willing partner, or in having difficulty performing, such as with ED (Erectile Dysfunction). I mean being realistic about having the time and energy for sex themselves.
Sex drive changes for everybody with age, as a relationship matures, through life stressors and transitions, and health issues. Unfortunately, many men still think about sex like they did when they were in their 20s, even though performing and having that frequent and intensity of sex is not practical, and often not even possible. Yet because they haven’t adjusted their expectations, they believe their sex lives are worse than they actually are.
Relationship of 20 years, was getting married in April, and found out my spouse has been replacing our sex life with porn , and I thought it was ED, and we need to talk about it.” - Amy
Then comes the influence of porn. Which presents sex as if everyone else is getting it any time they want it and with a partner who’s always ready and willing. If this doesn’t describe you, which it isn’t anybody, then this could be a reason why your husband watches porn instead of having sex with you. The dissatisfaction many men have with their sex lives can be a further draw to porn as it allows them to soothe their unhappiness while at the same time it reinforces their faulty assumptions about sex.
Porn can both increase sex drive, especially expectations, as well as reduce it. This can be confusing for partners – if my husband is watching porn he must be interested in sex, right? Then why doesn’t want sex with me?
Part of the answer is that when your sex drive is limited (it is for everybody) and is being satisfied with porn then there’s going to be less, if any, left over for a partner. Excessive porn viewing can also result in Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED) , which can cause men to avoid sex with their partner so they won’t have to reveal this embarrassing problem in a real-life encounter.
Why doesn’t he want the real thing?”
A woman I was counseling about her man’s porn use asked me this recently. I’d explain the reasons to her and then she’d just ask me the same question again the next time we talked. She just couldn’t wrap her head around how he gave up what they both had described as “great sex.”
I’m available, I want to have sex with him, and I’m willing to try anything. Why doesn’t he want to have sex with me?”
Porn can become a substitute partner – at least as far as sex goes. It can replace sex with your partner, although it doesn’t always. Take a look at an article I wrote about boyfriends who watch porn and want sex too and see how the opposite can happen also.
Relationships take effort, porn doesn’t. Sure, he could have real sex with you, but what else does that require? Helping you get in the mood and ready to have sex? Making sure it’s enjoyable for you too? Talking afterwards? Not with porn. Some men now believe porn is the perfect sexual partner.
Porn is also a drug. And most people who view porn regularly use it as a drug even though they typically don’t realize they’re doing so. When it becomes like a drug addiction there is a dependence upon it for pleasure, use of it for emotion management, like stress relief, and to escape from life. In fact, porn addiction is a common problem we treat at Guy Stuff.
As I’ve mentioned, porn is always ready to please you, always available, and takes no effort. Can you offer that? Of course not, no one can. Remember that porn is also endless, provides unlimited variety, and nearly limitless fantasization.
Porn is more appealing than sex with you because there’s no emotional connection, nor any emotional effort necessary, no communication is required, there’s no history or baggage from the past, and it’s all about them and their pleasure.
It’s hard for partners to compete with porn for sure (as Carol said at the beginning).
I've been with my partner for 7 years now and recently he hasn't wanted sex with me at all, he has all these excuses as to why he doesn't want to have sex. One night I saw him spying on me and my first thought was he is going to have a wank and I was right. I started to notice that it was every night and yet he still wasn't interested in me. I asked him about it and he got really angry straight away and said it was all in my head and I was imagining things. A few weeks past and he still didn't want sex but he was starting to convince me that it was all in my head so just to confirm I did a terrible thing and put my phone on record and left it in our bedroom, he went to bed and late that night I listened to the recording and yep just as I thought I could hear porn in the background. I didn't say anything but I did ask if he was happy with our relationship and he just said yes he had no real input. I kept trying to have sex with him and he kept rejecting me and the more I recorded the more crazy I got. I told him I know about the porn and he was extremely aggressive and still denied it all. I started to notice he stopped hugging me in bed and he was very distant. I started going to bed before him and he started sleeping on the couch, so I tried staying up and yep he went to bed early. One night I thought I could hear him going at it for hours even right into the next day. I decided to talk to him again and I did we ended up having sex but he couldn’t stay hard so I Googled it and it came up with abusive masturbation. He continued watching porn and still told me I needed help and I was trying to destroy our relationship. He kept telling me how messed up in the head I was but I knew I wasn't. Then I think I started imagining it was happening when it wasn't, we had a huge fight and he smashed my phone and a couple of days later he have me his phone after he factory reset it of course. Why is he emotionally abusing me? And why do you think he denied the porn? Am I crazy?” -Leticia
Another important piece to understand in making sense of the attraction of porn is that what most men and women find sexually appealing is different.
Why does he want to look at female parts? I don’t get it.”
If you’re a woman like this one then you’ll need to accept that there are just going to be elements about porn that aren’t going to make any sense to you. But even though you don’t get it that doesn’t mean you can’t empathize with your husband that the pull of watching porn is a struggle for him just as it is for most men.
If you came to this site not understanding why your husband doesn’t want sex, but watches porn, hopefully you now have a better idea.
Yet it’s very likely that you still have many unanswered questions. However, rather than try to seek more answers you should turn your focus to the question of what to do about it. So, here’s a helpful place to start to learn how to help a porn addict.
Does your husband say he doesn’t want sex but then watches porn? You’re not alone. Please share a little about your story with our other readers and you’ll probably get some responses back (you can stay anonymous if you like).
Guy Stuff's Counseling Men Blog shares real stories from our counseling sessions, giving practical solutions and answers to the challenges men and women face.
I realise that couple who have been together for many years do not have intimate relation but they remain as married couple. They want to be still together because of other commitment like children, family commitment etc. Sometimes these type of relationship result in extra marital affairs.
I've been married less than two months. My husband always says he's "not in the mood". Well not always, sometimes I get to have sex with him once a week, sometimes once a month... but it feels like always. If I look on his history on his computer he goes through about 50 different pornos a day. Sometimes more, sometimes less. He was also a member on a site where everyone posts nude pictures of themselves, in fact everyone's profile picture was a nude photo, and when I found that out (and saw his picture of himself standing there in my living room bare naked not even 3 weeks after we got married) I hit the roof. He said he has a problem, he started counseling, we do marriage counseling... and then when I look at his history yet again there's yet again tons of porn. In the meantime he's not wanting sex with me, and I'm not wanting to throw away my marriage if it can be fixed or saved. I just don't understand it as I have an extremely high sex drive and in the beginning of our relationship it was different. In the first 3 days we were intimate with each other we made love no less than 17 times. Then suddenly it went down to maybe once a week if I was lucky, then once a month. We broke up and when we got back together it was a lot again, and now it's back to once a week. If you count the time we've been dating we've been together a year and 4 months. We've been married 2 months. We should still be in the honeymoon phase. I just don't know what to do honestly.
Danielle, Your husband needs to be going to the kind of counseling that specifically addresses this problem. If the counselor isn't experienced or comfortable dealing with porn addiction then this problem isn't likely to change. -Dr. Kurt
But what if it’s constant rejection and when you say no it’s doesn’t fly and still happens. And bring it up and get blamed for going about it the wrong way even though that’s only because your done putting in the effort to get the same result everytime
Oh how this can hurt. Sounds like we are living the same life. I don’t have the answer for you. I told my husband it was either the porn or me, and that he had a problem. He stopped for awhile, now he just lies about it. After 20 years of this, I found a man that prefers me to porn. Getting out of this hell.
Felt the same way. we supposed to be in the Honeymoon stage but I see lack of sex intimacy. I mean I am always the one with high sex drives and initiate but the other one just neglects me. Sometimes, I feel embarrased. Sometime I want to feel love from others but I cant, my conscience is killing me 🥺
I grew up very religious. My husband did not, so when we were dating and he wouldn’t do things with me and I asked him about it he said he was being respectful. I bought it and thought it was because he loved me that he was drawing the line before sex sooner than I wanted. Our wedding night was a disaster. I was super excited about it- it was gonna be our first time and I got all dolled up and looked hot. He was avoidant and when he saw me he told me I needed to take a shower before so I wouldn’t stink. So I did and got dolled up again as fast as I could. We did the deed and it was fast and I was confused. There wasn’t kissing or anything and it just hurt. When he was done he got up and went to the bathroom. I laid there like a dope thinking he was coming back. He just ate crackers and looked at me like I was weird. When I asked if it was over he got super mad and called me a bitch. That about sums up our sex life. I’m always eager and wanting and giving, and he does nothing. He does love his porn, though. He’s sneaky about it, but I’m a bit more clever than him. I know he has watched it when he clears the days search history on his apps and the computer. We’ve only been married for 4 years and I just don’t know what to do about it. Every time I try to talk about it he gets angry and calls me names. What can be done? I want a good sex life...I have a lot of pent up energy. But the longer I’m with him the more I feel ugly, gross, unclean, unloved and unwanted. I feel so stuck. If we could just have an open and honest conversation with no judgement I feel like we could understand each other. If that can’t happen what can be done?
Karlie, Look at this as not just about porn, but also communication, conflict resolution and respect. Your husband gets defensive and abusive when you try to talk about this topic - it could just as easily be about money, work, the kids, etc. These bigger problems in your relationship need to get addressed first and then you can resolve the porn issue. -Dr. Kurt
If my husband called me a b on our wedding night, I wouldn’t have filed the marriage license. He sounds like a verbally abusive man and you deserve better!
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