Pope Leo XIV Launches "Vatican Prime" Delivery Service

The Vatican announced a groundbreaking partnership with global e-commerce giants to launch "Vatican Prime," offering lightning-fast delivery of sacraments and spiritual services to the faithful worldwide. Members ($14.99/month) get free same-day communion wafer delivery (with optional gluten-free and keto-friendly hosts), priority booking for 2-hour confession windows, and unlimited access to the "Pope's Choice" curated selection of blessed goods. Pope Leo XIV demonstrated the service by live-streaming himself ordering a last-minute baptismal font that arrived before the godparents. The program's most controversial feature is the "Grace Guarantee" promising answered prayers within 48 hours or your Hail Marys are refunded as credits toward plenary indulgences. Traditionalists balked at the automated holy water dispensers and drone-delivered ashes on Ash Wednesday, while young Catholics embraced the convenience of getting their sins absolved via Alexa ("Alexa, forgive me for I have sinned..."). Unexpected challenges include communion wafers melting in transit and the Vatican's struggle to maintain "Amazon smile" levels of cheerfulness when discussing mortal sins. The service has been so successful that the Pope is considering "Vatican Fresh" for perishable sacraments and "Vatican Key" for priests to enter homes and bless them while residents are away. Critics argue this commercializes faith, but the Vatican points to Jesus feeding the 5,000 as the original example of scalable divine delivery service.