Pope Leo XIV Launches "OnlySaints" Subscription Service

The Vatican unveiled its most controversial digital platform yet - a premium subscription service offering behind-the-scenes access to saint-making processes, uncensored miracle investigations, and livestreamed exorcisms. For $29.99/month, "OnlySaints" subscribers get exclusive content like uncut stigmata examinations, blooper reels from Eucharistic miracles (hosts that accidentally caught fire), and the popular "Day in the Life" series following various holy orders. Pope Leo XIV personally greenlit the service after realizing "people will pay for anything if you call it premium content," including his own "Pope's Private Chapel" livestream where he tests new liturgical dance moves. The platform's most talked-about feature is the "SaintCam" showing real-time footage from relic examination labs, though some subscribers complain the "incorrupt body" streams aren't as exciting as advertised. Traditionalists are scandalized by the "Make-a-Saint" voting feature that lets users influence canonization processes, while historians praise the uncensored access to previously sealed Vatican archives (now with celebrity commentary from faith leaders). The service has already faced controversy for its "Tithe-to-Unlock" system that gates certain miracles behind paywalls, and its "Confessional Confidential" series that bleeps out names but leaves juicy sin details. Despite protests, the platform has over 1 million subscribers, with the most-watched content being bloopers of cardinals tripping during solemn processions and outtakes from official Vatican photoshoots where no one can keep a straight face. The Pope has promised to expand the service with VR tours of hell ("Educational purposes only!") and a cooking show featuring monastery recipes.