Pope Leo XIV Installs Slot Machines in Vatican

The Vatican unveiled its newest fundraising venture: "Saints & Sinners Slots," a casino-style arcade where players can "win plenary indulgences or at least a stuffed St. Peter plushie." Pope Leo XIV, who pitched the idea as "bingo but with more glitter," insists the machines are "100% luck-based, just like salvation." Located in the former confessional booths, the slots feature themes like "Book of Genesis Blackjack" and "Loaves & Fishes Poker," with proceeds funding homeless shelters. Traditionalists accuse the Pope of "turning St. Peter�s into Las Sin City," while nuns report record attendance at their "Craps for Christ" workshops. One elderly cardinal allegedly won 500 years off his time in Purgatory but then lost it all on a "Hail Mary" slot spin. The machines accept both euros and prayers, with a "grace multiplier" for using holy water as token lubricant. Critics note the odds are "miraculously low," but the Pope shrugs: "So was the chance of a virgin birth." Meanwhile, the Swiss Guard has been retrained as pit bosses, and rumors swirl of a high-stakes poker tournament between the Pope and Elon Musk�winner takes the Sistine Chapel�s ceiling.