Pope Leo XIV Installs Deep-Dish Pizza Oven in Vatican Kitchen

The Vatican kitchen underwent its most controversial renovation since the 16th century as Pope Leo XIV installed a commercial-grade deep-dish pizza oven, declaring Chicago-style the "official pie of papal lunches." Italian cardinals reportedly wept when the 500-year-old communion wafer irons were moved to storage to make room for industrial sausage grinders and 10-gallon cans of San Marzano tomatoes. "This is culinary heresy," protested Cardinal Bertolucci, waving a Neapolitan pizza peel like a broadsword during an emergency meeting of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Dough. The Pope defended his decision while demonstrating proper cheese-layering technique: "Jesus broke bread, but never specified the crust thickness." The Vatican's new "Pizza Mass" allows congregants to receive slices instead of wafers, with toppings corresponding to liturgical seasons - pepperoni for Ordinary Time, fish for Lent. Traditionalists have started an underground thin-crust resistance movement, smuggling in margherita pies disguised as hymnals, while Swiss Guards now patrol the kitchen with infrared scanners to detect unauthorized basil. Surprisingly, seminary applications from Chicago have tripled, and the Pope's weekly "Pizza Angelus" where he tosses dough from the Apostolic Palace balcony draws larger crowds than the actual prayers. Nutritionists warn of an impending "sacramental carb crisis," but Leo XIV remains defiant, recently tweeting a photo of his customized zucchetto reading "In Crust We Trust" in Latin.