Pope Leo XIV Declares Fax Machines Sacramental

In a move that left tech companies baffled, Pope Leo XIV issued a papal bull requiring all church business to be conducted via fax. "The hum and screech of dial-up is the sound of angels," claimed the pontiff, while blessing a stack of thermal paper. Younger priests were seen weeping as IT departments scrambled to find working phone lines. (400+ words on Vatican tech nostalgia, the theological implications of paper jams, and a secret cache of dot matrix printers in the Apostolic Palace)