Pope Leo XIV Declares Chicago Deep-Dish "Official Eucharist of Vatican"

In his most controversial liturgical reform yet, Pope Leo XIV has decreed that Chicago-style deep-dish pizza will replace traditional communion wafers in all Vatican masses, declaring the buttery crust "the perfect vessel for Christ's delicious grace." The announcement came during a special "Pizza Mass" where the pontiff elevated a steaming sausage-and-pepperoni slice with the words "This is my body... and also some really good mozzarella." Traditionalist cardinals walked out in protest when altar servers began distributing pizza cutters instead of patens, while liturgical scholars scrambled to determine whether "30 minutes or less" delivery guarantees could apply to Eucharistic miracles. The Vatican kitchen has been retrofitted with industrial pizza ovens blessed as "sacred vessels," and seminarians are now required to take "Advanced Toppings Theology" courses. Surprisingly, Mass attendance has quadrupled since the change, though ushers report increased difficulties maintaining reverence when parishioners fight over corner slices. The Pope has defended the move, citing historical precedent: "The Last Supper was literally a dinner party - you think they only ate crackers?" A new schism has emerged as Neapolitan loyalists establish breakaway "thin crust" parishes, while the Swiss Guard now patrols with grease-resistant gloves. Theological debates rage over whether pineapple can be consecrated, with the Pope ruling it "a venial topping at worst."