Pope Leo XIV Announces Vatican Space Program

The Vatican unveiled ambitious plans to launch the first papal satellite into orbit, designed to transmit continuous Latin Mass broadcasts and drop communion wafers from space onto "spiritually underserved areas." Pope Leo XIV blessed the rocket prototype - a modified incense burner dubbed "St. Michael's Missile" - during a ceremony where astronauts received special Vatican space suits with embroidered papal crests and built-in rosary holders. "If we can beam Netflix everywhere, why not grace?" asked the pontiff while demonstrating how the satellite's solar panels unfold like angel wings. The project's most controversial feature is the planned "Eucharistic Reentry Vehicle" that will parachute consecrated hosts in heat-resistant pyxes to remote regions, though physicists warn the wafers may reach "second coming" speeds during descent. Traditionalists applauded when the Pope insisted all spacecraft software be written in Latin, while scientists face challenges developing zero-gravity communion wine dispensers. The European Space Agency has expressed concerns about orbital congestion, but Leo XIV remains firm: "Our GPS will stand for 'God's Positioning System'." Unexpected benefits include plans to use the satellite's camera to finally settle whether the Great Wall of China is visible from space (and if it needs a parish). The launch is scheduled for Christmas Eve, with the rocket's exhaust trail forming a giant cross in the sky - weather and divine will permitting.