Pope Introduces Chicago-Style Mass: 90 Minutes Maximum

In a move that thrilled some and horrified others, Pope Leo XIV streamlined Catholic services with a strict time limit. "In-and-out, like a proper Chicago diner," he announced while blessing a stopwatch. The new "Express Eucharist" features drive-thru options and a loyalty program (7 Masses = 1 free confession). (400+ words on liturgical efficiency, the theological implications of speed-reading scripture, and altar boys trained as timekeepers)