Pope Francis Declares Legacy Media Causes Brain Rot

In a historic encyclical titled "Veritas in Algorithmo," Pope Francis has condemned mainstream media as "spiritual pollutants" that erode critical thinking and moral judgment. The document, read aloud by Swiss Guards wearing tinfoil hats for dramatic effect, claims 24-hour news cycles cause measurable soul decay comparable to "reading YouTube comments for 12 hours straight." The Vatican now recommends no more than three minutes of daily news exposure, preferably filtered through monastic scribes who translate headlines into Gregorian chant. CNN immediately disputed the findings, though their counterargument scrolled by too quickly with too many dramatic graphics to comprehend. The most controversial suggestion? Replacing confession booths with "media detox chambers" where priests administer IV drips of unedited Aquinas while deleting news apps from penitents' phones. Tech companies have scrambled to respond - Apple announced a "Catholic Mode" that transforms doomscrolling into illuminated manuscript viewing, while Twitter now labels journalists' accounts with "Warning: May Contain Traces of Truth." Surprisingly, Fox News and MSNBC issued a joint statement calling the Pope "out of touch," marking the first time they've agreed on anything since 1997. Meanwhile, seminary enrollments have spiked as young people seek what the Vatican is calling "the ultimate ad-blocker: divine grace."