Pope Bans Alarm Clocks in Vatican

In his most popular decree yet, Pope Leo XIV outlawed jarring alarm clocks in favor of gentler waking methods. "The Creator designed dawn for a reason," stated the Pontiff while demonstrating his custom "Gregorian Chant Sunrise Simulator." Vatican staff now begin mornings with 30 minutes of gradual illumination and birdsong before any meetings. Productivity initially dropped 22% as cardinals adjusted, but creativity and morale soared. The Swiss Guard reports fewer accidental halberd drops since implementing the policy. Sleep scientists confirm the change aligns with circadian biology - early data shows 17% reduction in clerical errors during morning Mass. Traditionalists grumble about missed Prime prayers, though the Pope counters that St. Benedict's Rule mandated flexible timing. The papal apartments now feature dawn-simulating skylights, while the Sistine Chapel offers "Lux Aeterna" wake-up retreats. Critics argue this coddles modern weakness, but the Pope cites desert fathers who slept under the stars. The policy's real test comes during winter conclaves, when cardinals traditionally rise before dawn - several have already requested exemptions for "elective insomnia."