Poop Porn Stories
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Poop Porn Stories
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"When he was halfway up the stairs, I figured I'd fart a really loud fart to tease him. Except karma got the better of me and I sharted the wettest, grossest mess in my pants."
"When I was 11, my dad was working at a factory that had a hot chocolate and coffee vending machine. I decided that 27 hot chocolates in a few hours would be a good idea. Well, after 27 hot chocolates, I had to use the bathroom. Sadly, I did not make it. As I was running as fast as my little legs would take me, I pooped. It projected out of me so fast people would've thought my pants were a tap dispensing poop. It was everywhere, in my pants, my socks, my shoes, the floor. But at least my dad got the rest of the day off to take me home."— Dragon_ranger
"I was at a summer camp where we'd ride horses daily. While on a trail ride, I had to poop. There weren't any bathrooms near us, and I wasn't about to go in the woods with the entire group of campers right there. So, I pooped myself while riding a horse. I had to sit in it for 20 minutes until we got back to the main building, where I jumped off my horse and ran to the bathroom. The best part was that the girl behind me during the ride kept saying, 'your horse is farting a lot!'" — EEVEELUVR
"Many years ago, I went and ate some Chinese food with a girl I was into. I grew up in a small town and we would all party on a stretch of road out in the country. I was hanging out there when it hit me. I took off and was going to go to the nearest gas station, but then a scenario of me shitting my pants in this public place started haunting me. So, I kept on driving home. I was 17 and still living with my parents. I flew into the driveway, rushed into the garage, and when I grabbed the the doorknob...I unloaded on myself. I just stood there in shock. I was wearing shorts. My little brother opened the door and looked me up and down as shit was just rolling out of me." — ColdHandSandwich
"I have two sisters and a brother, and we use to road trip to Alabama (from Indiana) on vacations. One year, we were heading back home and and my brother was like, 'oh my GOD I have to poop. RIGHT NOW!' We were are laughing it off until he started freaking out, eyes watering. Like, he was going to shit his pants soon. At that point, my dad pulled off on an exit that didn't have any public places. We had no toilet paper, so we were digging through empty McDonald's bags and throwing him all the unsoiled napkins we could find. He jumps out of the car before it fully stops and runs around to the back of some building to poop. Roughly five minutes later, he comes run-shitting around the building holding his pants and dives back into the family van. Turns out some coyotes saw him and got curious enough that they kept running up to him while he was trying to poop. To this day, he still gets travel toilet paper for Christmas." —anonymous
"I had explosive diarrhea when I was only a mile from work. My commute was over 35 miles one way. I had to turn around and head back home with a cushion of shit to sit on, which continued to erupt beneath me. I grabbed the floor mat and placed it under me and continued to shit all the way home. "
"When I was a little kid, I went to a public pool that only had an outdoor bathroom. I really had to poop and couldn't hold it any longer, so I ran to use it. This happened in Texas, and in the summer you'll come across wasps. Sure enough, right when I was at the point of no return, I see a wasp hovering in my stall. 'Pleasenopleasenopleasenopleaseno," I murmured, trying not to freak it out into stinging me. I see it slowly descending towards me. A little bit up, a little bit further down until it lands on my bare, pooping ass. Right when it lands, I literally whimpered like a dog. Apparently that was enough to scare the wasp away, so I quickly finished and ran out." — splendid_ssbm
"I sharted at my wedding reception 10 minutes before our first dance."
"Before I took a shower, I was sitting on the toilet taking a biiiiiiig shit. Like there was a lot, but it had a clean wipe so I thought I was good to get in the shower, so I did. Next thing I know, I started to feel a disturbance in the force. I just assumed it was gas. I was under the assumption that since I had a successful shit before the shower that there was no way there could be anything more. So, I half-squatted and let it go. A whole fucking 'nother log slammed onto my shower floor and pancaked into a pile. I had no idea what do to. I wasn't gonna touch it with my hands. So, I cupped my hands together to catch the stream of water coming out of the shower head and tried to jet it at the pile of poo in hope I could wash it down the drain. It took forever, and I ended up clogging the shower drain." — punk62
"When I was in fifth grade, I went to the bathroom with a bad case of the shits. Just then, tornado sirens start going off. About a minute later, kids start piling in the bathroom. My ass is still exploding and there's nothing I can do to stop it. The bathroom is now full of at least 50 boys and girls. It smells, it's loud, and everybody in there is pissed. I'm finally done, but I decide to stay in the stall to try and and avoid further embarrassment. But then a teacher asks me if I'm done, so I tell her yes. She tells me to come out. I walk out with my head down as everybody looked at me with disgust." — anthraxattack
"My friends and I were messing around with air-soft guns in his backyard. I got hit with this impending urge to poop. It was so bad that I was groaning and running away towards the bathroom. One of my friends decides to shoot me with an air-soft gun as I ran. He nailed me right in the ass, and I shit my pants instantly. " — _hookerspit
"One time I was on a guided fishing trip with my father and uncles when I had the urge to shit, like really badly. I asked the captain if there was a bucket or something I could shit in since we were in a pretty small fishing boat, and he dragged out this really dirty and crusty bucket, then handed me a roll of toilet paper. So, there I was shitting in a bucket in a boat in front of several family members. Now if that isn't awkward enough, it turns out the bucket apparently had a crack in it. Normally this wouldn't be too much of a problem I guess, but this shit was well...extra gooey, to put it lightly. It leaked out of the bucket, went all over the boat, and ended up getting all over my pants." — arrowhead820
"I joined the wrestling team my freshman year of high school. For my first tournament, I had to lose two pounds to qualify for my weight class. My freshman logic led me to take laxatives to shit out the two pounds. I took it before school, but it didn't kick in until the bus ride home. The ride was a long and gassy one. Each fart was a literal escape of gas and a metaphorical escape of my willpower to hold back the flood. After the bus dropped me off, I sprinted towards my house. Each step I took, I let out a small fart. Sadly, I was only a couple yards away from my house when I let out what I thought was a victory fart. While it was a fart, it was wet, but there was not victory." — backattackz
"The first week I started dating my boyfriend, I had been constipated for 3 days. Suddenly, I have the tummy grumbles. His bathroom is an entire floor and hallway away, and even if I make it, I DO NOT want to poop in his house. Luckily for me, my house is only 5 minutes away. I hop up, thank GOD that he’s still sleeping, and sneakily gather my things and bolt down his stairs. I’m rushing down in sandals and busted ass. Then, I ripped ass. I had shorts on, so it spilled all down my legs, all over the stairs, up my back. You name it, I had shit on it. My boyfriend hears the large commotion and stands at the top of the stairs to gaze upon the poop massacre. I want to be slaughtered, but thought it could be fine...until his mother and father (who I have not formally met yet) came out of their room and stood behind him. I was covered in shit and tears." — deadwrongdeadass
"My boyfriend and I were sitting on his couch watching TV and he kept farting really smelly, gross farts. I was complaining but also making fun of him, trying to get him to pause the show and go use the bathroom. Finally, he relented and got up to go. When he was halfway up the stairs, I figured I'd fart a really loud fart to tease him. Except karma got the better of me and I sharted the wettest, grossest mess in my pants. Karma is a bitch, people." — lockportjazzshoes
"In eighth grade, my buddy was over at my house. He went to the bathroom and 20 minutes later, he comes back, freaking out, saying the toilet won't flush. It was too big. It wouldn't fit in the hole. He brought me to the bathroom to show me. It was impossibly thick. I grabbed a bunch of plastic bags and made him scoop it out of the toiled, run outside, and throw it in a ditch." — poofycow
"When my sister and I were younger, we'd take baths together. One day, she was sitting in the bathroom while our mom made the bath. I told her something really funny — so funny that she shit on the floor from laughing so hard." — WolfgangHertter
"When I was sixteen, my mom had left me in the car to go grab a drink. I had told her my stomach didn't feel well, but she left regardless. I was in downtown region of my city, so I figured there were plenty of bathrooms around if I needed to go. 15 minutes later, it hit me. I got out of the car, frantically looking for the nearest bathroom, but every place was closed. Now it was no longer a mission of finding a bathroom, but rather where could I poop without anyone seeing? I start to run towards the nearest alley. Poop was already coming out, streaming down my leg. Just as I approach the alley, it all comes out in an explosion of shame down my legs. I wasn't about to continue wearing my defiled jeans, so I strip down to nothing, use my shirt to clean up the damage, and call my mom to tell her I'm walking home. 14 blocks. I walked 14 blocked, completely naked in my tireless quest to get home unnoticed." — ExtraMeat
"I had just moved in with my (then) boyfriend. We were headed to our apartment when we got trapped in traffic between two standstill trains. I danced in my seat for awhile before I realized I was not going to be able to hold it. I hopped out of the passenger seat and ran into the field that was next to the road. Boyfriend was screaming, 'What if the train moves and I have to drive away?' I promise you, there was no rational response from me as I was trying to get far away enough from the street so people in the other cars wouldn't observe what was about to happen. Found some brush, crouched down, bowels exploded. Ended up taking my shoe off to wipe with my sock." — Aprilsfool0401
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In the process of pitching this article idea to a friend, I found his response telling.
There’s something inherently funny about taking your business to the woods. Perhaps it’s because, ironically, the process feels so unnatural, at least for the uninitiated. Perhaps it’s due to a hiker’s diet- primarily sugar, processed carbohydrates, and “food” that possesses qualities similar to plastic . Or maybe the answer is a bit more simple, we are children. The last shoe certainly fits this author.
Whatever the reason, hiker poop stories are funny. They deserve to be heard. Understandably, however, most are reluctant to willfully dish out imagery of themselves bakin’ a cake .
That’s why we put a call out for hikers to share their favorite BM stories anonymously . What came out was a steaming pile of hilarity.
Note that although pooping in the woods can be funny, disregarding the principles of Leave No Trace is not. Occasionally emergencies happen- but this does not give one free will to disregard these principles. Please do remember to:
And without further ado(okie), please enjoy the first edition of…
“When you subsist on a diet of quinoa, every morning is an emergency.
While I had dabbled in the glorified birdseed called “quinoa” off-and-on before the hike, my thru-hiking partner considered it mandatory for every meal. Eventually, due to his insistence and my gullibility, I decided that I, too, would carry a week’s supply of the “wonder grain” for the next section of the A.T.
At first, it was only the mornings: a dawn-light dash to the privy, praying to any and all deities to give me just one more minute before the mass evacuation from my bowels—which was a surprisingly short-but-plentiful affair.
Then there came the daily midday dump, typically a brief post-lunch perch on a pine log before continuing down the trail. I became used to it: ‘This is just my life now,’ I thought.
Then came Judgment Day, outside the corn fields of Boiling Springs, PA. I emerged from the woods at dusk, smiled when I realized indoor plumbing was just a ten minute walk away, and then immediately frowned upon a painful realization: It’s time. Right now.
I dove back into the woods behind the biggest tree I could find within a three-foot radius, dropped my running shorts, and sandblasted a the ground with a 12 gauge discharge of quinoa buckshot.
It was a massacre—pieces of dirt actually flew into the air from the force of the impact. If a police officer had witnessed the crime, I would have been charged for assault with a deadly vegetable. I limped away, drained, from the scene of the crime.
I still think of that poor patch of dirt and the emotional scars it carries from my experiment with quinoa.” – 2014 AT thru-hiker
“I guess you can say it all began with a bowl of macaroni and chili cheese which was our dinner after a long day of hiking. The food was great, the weather even better, everything was fine and dandy until later that night.
I was sleeping in my 20 degree bag when my stomach made an unearthly noise. It was kinda like a low gurgle that resonated in the silence of the Colorado backcountry. Then a sudden hot flash of pain in my abdomen. I knew then that this was going to be a BM that I will remember for ever.
Ripping out of my tent, as clutched my rear in order to stop the floodgates from opening for the putrid sludge that had just been concocted in the depths of my colon, I grabbed my trowel with a shaky hand and ran into the night.
I was at my limit. Sweat beads began forming upon my brow even though the nights chill had taken over. I furiously began to dig. Like a gopher trying to escape I dug the fastest hole i have ever dug. I ripped off my pants completely, and threw them to the side as i squatted over my freshly dug earth.
I am looking down at the ground, my mind in blissful ignorance of my surroundings. Little did I know, as the nights macaroni chili was exiting, there was a bear about 20 paces ahead of my watching the whole show.
I look up and see mama black bear sitting there wondering what on earth this creature is doing in the middle of the night squatting over the ground.
Frozen in fear (and because I was still going number two), I decided to not make any sudden movements. I glance over to my pants to my left, then to the bear, then to my pants again. At this point I was squeezing out the last of the macaroni chili. It was go time.
Then it hit me. I forgot the toilet paper!
Cursing at my luck while staring down a bear that started approaching me, I ran- butt naked- back to camp. As my luck would have it, my friends were awake making coffee and getting ready for the hike…” – 2010 Buffalo Mtn, Colorado Day Summit
“I awoke to a misty pre-dawn take off from Peters Mtn. shelter to do our first (and only) 30 plus miler (hey, I was 56 at the time, a good feat). Strike out straight away and as days light is fighting the misty rain a mile down the trail, the morning urge is upon me. Drop pack, grab TP, and head off the LNT 200 ft to dump a load. Glasses are misted over, find a spot, dig a cat hole, drop trou, squat and notice a slight prick on my bare thigh. Thinking its a woody seedling, I go to push it aside and then there’s another…. And another. In my poor misty diminished eyesight and haste I had kicked open a ground wasp nest and squatted right on top of the angry bunch. Good thing it was pre GoPro days, or my trail side son would be posting on YouTube the sight of me hootin/hollering, running with pants down, T.P. Trailing like a jet plane. We still put in 31.5 that day :)” – 2010 AT thru-hiker
“Day 1 – started from Campo. Packed way too much gear (first thru-hike). Threw up four times. Only made it 12 miles and planned to do the full 20 to Lake Morena. Set up my tent and crashed out. Woke up in the middle of the night and sharted in my pants. Was so tired that I initially just flipped over on to my stomach and was going to leave it, but eventually cleaned up. Told this story at kickoff in front of a room full of people the following year.” – 2013 PCT thru-hiker
“All I have to say is that it’s hard to hit a cat hole with projectile diarrhea.” – 2013 AT thru-hiker
“With one day left in our week-long trip in the Enchantments, we hiked to a camp that had a fancy pit toilet. Knowing this, I had waited all day to use this luxurious site. It was evening, after we had set up camp and eaten dinner, and I was rarin’ to poop.
In spite of my enthusiasm, I took a moment to look down into the depths of the pit toilet with my headlamp. I am hopefully not the only one; I always do that before sitting down. Perhaps it’s an innate fear of shitting on a Sasquatch?
My beam caught a small bit of movement. There was a mouse way down there, running about. What a sad place to end up…or what a disgusting and disturbed mouse.
I felt especially bad for this little creature because there was no way that I was going to wait any longer. I tossed a stick down the pit to try to warn the mouse to get out of the way of what promised to be a prodigious pile of poop.
And, well, I suppose the mouse HAD chosen to climb into a big pit of shit.
And I just really had
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