Polyamory Love
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Polyamory Love
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Aryelle Siclait
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Aryelle Siclait is the editor at Women's Health where she writes and edits articles about relationships, sexual health, pop culture, and fashion for verticals across WomensHealthMag.com and the print magazine.
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Hey, I don't make the rules...but you should.
The rules of relationships aren't simple, but having a set of mutual "rules" in place—especially when your brand of romance is a polyamorous relationship—is one smart way to keep your love life a bit less complicated.
I put "rules" in quotes because, let's be real, no one wants to be held to strict expectations or standards in matters of love. These rules are more like guidelines for you and your partners to go over at the start of and throughout your relationship, and they ensure that you’ll have the necessary measures in place to set and stick to boundaries across all parties.
"The more people in a relationship, the greater the chance of complications because you're dealing with more feelings."
Why does that matter? In a polyamorous relationship , where three or more people maintain an emotionally (and typically physically) intimate relationship with each other, things can get messy fast. The more people in a relationship, the greater the chance of complications because you're dealing with more feelings, explains Jane Greer, PhD, New York-based relationship and family therapist and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship .
And while polyamory can be great for some—it allows partners to explore relationships with other people in order to fulfill emotional needs that their partners might not, after all—it can trudge up feelings of neglect that could drive you and at least one of your partners apart.
So whether you're just intrigued by the idea of polyamory or are already in a committed throuple yourself, consider these 8 rules your roadmap to a happy, healthy, three-way (or four-way! or five-way!) relationship:
Even if you're down with sharing lovers, if you are the jealous type, you’re not going to want to hear about what your girlfriend ate at dinner with her other girlfriend, or how much fun your boyfriend had at the wine bar with the third person in your throuple.
You might prefer your partner simply say they're "going out" when they have a date with someone else and leave it at that. And when it comes to deets about you, tell your partner straight-up whether you're comfortable with her discussing your intimate moments with someone else.
Whether or not you love gushing about your unique relationship, you don't want to share everything with the outside world. Keeping certain things private preserves the moments that are just for you and your partner (think: trips, dates, movies)—it keeps them feeling special and intimate, says Greer.
Dating and relationships aren't what they used to be. Answers to your most pressing questions on modern romances, here:
Speaking of those special and intimate one-on-one moments: If you're in a polyamorous relationship where one partner is your main person, “be clear about the things you will share with each other in terms of activities or things that are meaningful to both of you,” says Greer, and keep them that way.
Let's say you and your most significant other always go to the same restaurant on your anniversary. Tell him you’d like to reserve that place and the tradition for the two of you, instead of bringing another partner there, as that would make it mean less to you.
(Psst...You have every right to make some "territorial" claims, as long as you approach them in a mature, nonconfrontational manner.)
If you and, say, your fiancé are dating another couple, when you’re not together as a quad, respect the times your fiancé has set aside to be with your girlfriends and make sure he does the same for you.
You might even want to reserve certain nights for dates made up of every variation of your relationship: Dinner as a quad Sunday through Wednesday, Thursdays for your fiancé and your girlfriend, Fridays for you and your fiancé, and so on, so that you know not to blow up your fiancé’s phone during the nights he’s spending time with someone else. (This'll encourage him and the rest of your group to show you the same courtesy.)
All relationships call for balance, but ones involving multiple people do even more so, says Greer. One way to keep yours on solid ground? "Respect your partner’s choice in other partners," she emphasizes.
If you go down the Mean Girl route, your negativity might drive your partner away, or it might convince them that you’re not cut out for the relationship you agreed to, one where you're not your partner’s focus at all times.
Let me be clear: This doesn’t mean you have to be cheerleader for your partner’s other relationships—keeping a respectful distance is a good option, too—but you’d do well to focus on your own relationship and its success.
Of course, Greer doesn’t assume you can see into the future and predict breakups, but since multiple personalities, temperaments, and preferences are involved in your polyamourous relationship, your best bet is to remember that you and your partners might not live happily ever after—just like people in monogamous relationships might not.
Being open to the idea of rapid change will soften the blow if and when things suddenly shift. Perhaps your partner "randomly" decides they'd like to be monogamous with their other partner and breaks up with you, or you realize you're no longer feeling your current partners. No shame, but best to protect your heart by keeping an open dialogue with it.
Because of how quickly the setup of a relationship can change, it’s especially important for you and your partners to let each other know the moment you’re not into the relationship anymore, when you’re no longer happy being with them, or when you’re thinking of starting a relationship with someone new (if that’s something you’ve decided to share per rule #1).
If you don’t, you might feel trapped in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship. And that's never a good thing. Even if you're happy with one person in your poly relationship but not another, that still counts as an unhappy relationship, btw.
Learning how to be alone is just as important as making time to spend with your partners, says Greer. When your partner is off with their partner, you’ll have to find ways to feel fulfilled when you’re left on your own—and I don't mean by wasting your time wonder about what your partner is doing.
Instead, use these moments to catch up with friends, clean out that hallway closet you’ve been avoiding for months, take yourself out to dinner, go to Flywheel, or sign up for an art class.
Keep in mind that polyamory only works when everyone is on board with it. So if your (formerly only) partner expresses interest in a three- or four-way relationship because they're feeling suffocated by monogamy or they think it will enhance your sex life, for example, don't just give them the green light because you don’t want to lose them.
You should only move forward with a polyamorous relationship if you're truly open and willing to give it a try—for you.
However, if you’re totally against the idea of non-monogamy, agreeing to letting others into your relationship in an effort keep your partner around becomes a recipe for a disastrous breakup.
If you're a traditionalist and you just can't fathom being happy when your partner is happy with someone else too, you might want to put down this rulebook entirely...and go back to the type of romance that makes you feel loved, supported, and appreciated.
In the end, a quality of a relationship matters way more than the quantity of it.
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Monogamy is not the only type of relationship in this modern world that is more open and free. Our minds and hearts have welcomed the notion that you can love more than one person at a time. Are you ready for it?
The romantic kind of love has always been viewed as the irrevocable and unconditional kind of love between two persons. But what if you are in love with two different persons at the same time? Does it mean that one of those feelings/relationships isn’t love?
In the new world of the liberated, the expressionists, the modernists and the idealists, a lot of new rules that break the old ones have emerged. Monogamy is no longer the only option when it comes to relationships. This new world has given birth to the wildly fresh relationship type which is Polyamory.
Polyamorous relationships are usually confused with open relationships. Polyamory is actually a type of open relationship but you should be more familiar with them to know which is which. Wanna know more about Open Relationships ? Follow the link!
Poly relationships are composed of people who have multiple lovers. In this type of relationship, you will have more than one intentional, and intimate relationship at the same time with different people. It is a non-monogamous relationship that has its own rules and guidelines to be followed for it to succeed. Although, you should remember that every relationship is unique and nothing is set in stone for any relationship.
The only specific description for a poly relationship is that it involves multiple lovers. It does not always have to be serious lovers or just sexual lovers. As long as you have more than one partner outside each other and you are both agreeable to it and aware of it, that is Polyamory.
Just like any type of relationship, polyamory has a lot of subtypes. Try to see which one of these perfectly defines yours. You need to distinguish one from the other in order to better set boundaries and guidelines for your relationship.
The first type of polyamory involves lovers who don’t have primary relationships/original relationships but openly date multiple people all at the same time. The participants of this type are mostly on their own in their individual and personal lives. The usual solo polyamory is more casual than the next types of relationships.
The second type defines a group of three or more lovers who have a committed relationship with each other and do not date outside of the group. Meaning, they’re officially dating one another and are loyal to each other.
This type involves people who have primary relationships to which they are most loyal and devoted, but they also have secondary and tertiary relationships with other people that receive less of their time and attention. In hierarchical polyamories, the primary lover usually has more power over important decisions in the relationship.
This type of polyamory is just the opposite of the previous one. All lovers are given the same amount of time and attention. No partner is more important than the others. It is also called egalitarian polyamory or relationship anarchy.
Maintaining a healthy polyamorous relationship is no small feat. Imagine the sacrifice of sharing your partners with other people and having to compromise at all times? Well, that is only the beginning as you go deeper into your relationship with one another. Only the bravest and strongest prevail!
In order to help you conquer the challenges of being in a polyamorous type of relationship, here are some guaranteed and proven rules you need to establish with one another. It pays to be really mature enough to follow and execute these rules:
As discussed earlier, every polyamory is unique. You can compromise on how much time you spend with other partners, what and what not to do (sexwise) with your lovers, and you can even agree if you don’t feel comfortable if some of your lovers visit your home (especially if you’re married and already have kids!).
This is true for those types of polyamories who have primary partners. It’s important to set your priorities straight. Quality time is essential in order to strengthen your relationship with one another before all else.
With multiple lovers, your schedule and priorities from time to time could get a bit muddy. It’s important to have a sit-down with your partners and discuss what things are acceptable for each of them.
Jealousy is a bitch. You won’t know you’re feeling or experiencing it until you already are. You’re only human so it’s normal to feel it but also remember that your partner’s other lovers are as human as you are. They also deserve your respect.
It might seem like the ultimate sex fantasy to have the freedome to have multiple relationships, but make sure that every relationship has its own pros and cons, especially with polyamory.
Communication is key in all types of relationships, it doesn’t matter if it’s monogamy or polygamy. You should always have clear and open lines of communication with your partners to make it work in the short and long run.
With multiple partners craving your presence and occupying most of your time, you will need to exert more effort to take good care of yourself and understand what you want and need for yourself.
Why are you in this type of relationship? Is this what you truly want for yourself and for your partner? You need to think long and hard about this kind of stuff in order to guide you setting the rules and boundaries of your polyamorous relationship.
Aside from polyamory, another type of relationship that proves to be more common yet equally challenging is the so-called LDR or “long distance relationships”. Wanna learn more about them? Follow this link to learn more Long Distance Relationships !
Starting any type of relationship can be very daunting as you will be adjusting to a whole new life with another person yet still need to be yourself in the process. If you want to know more about starting a new relationship, follow this link: Starting a New Relationship !
If you think starting a relationship is hard, try starting a poly relationship with someone or your current monogamous partner. It’s going to be super nerve-wracking to even ask permission or open the idea but if you want it and you think it’ll do you both some goodness and excitement in your relationship, go for it!
Here are the steps you can take to carefully introduce the controversial and delicate topic and proposal to your partner:
Do it when you’re at home or during one of your dates. Find the perfect moment or just go for it whenever you feel confident and ready enough.
To make them feel secure and heard, assure them that you are both in this together and that you’ll both have a say in what happens.
Give your partner space and time to really decide if he/she wants it or not. Don’t go rushing into anything if even one of you isn’t ready.
It’s not the end of the world if your partner won’t agree to it. You still have each other and there are a lot of things you can do to spice up your relationship. If your partner says “yes”, proceed to the next step.
If your partner agrees to your proposal, it’s mostly better to be honest about each other’s lovers. This will greatly improve transparency and develop more trust in your relationship.
On the other hand, you can try keeping each other on a need-to-know basis in your relationship to make everything less complicated. What your other partners don’t need to know and don’t know, won’t hurt them.
At some point, other people will need to know about your status. Name it, your friends and family will need to know. You need to brace yourself for it because the world isn’t as progressive as you think it is. Some people are still stuck in the traditional world where only monogamy exists.
You already know that there are different types of poly relationships. You should agree on which one you’re going to embark together and be very specific and clear about it.
A mono-poly relationship, as defined by its name, is one where one party is polyamorous and the other party identifies as monogamous. It means that the polyamorous partner is out to date more than just one person and is given the freedom to do so by the other party of the primary relationship; while the monogamous partner is only interested in their primary relationship and is committed to his/her polyamorous partner.
Complicated enough for you? Well, mono-poly relationships really do exist and in order to survive any relationship, you should make sure to take good care of it. Follow this link to know more about how you can maintain Healthy Relationships !
As for conquering the challenges of this unique type of polygamous relationship, try these three tips that are guaranteed to help you in the long run:
There you go! If you think you’re up for the level of maturity and open-mindedness that poly relationships need in order to survive, seize the day! Just know what you truly need and want out of it. Be a thousand percent sure before you even try.
Wanna know about questions that can jumpstart epic conversations for couples? Follow this link and have some fun: Questions for Couples !
If you’re looking for advice on strengthening your relationships, check out these books. They offer tips on everything from communication to conflict resolution and can help you build a stronger, more lasting bond with your partner!
Looking for some conversation starters and icebreakers? Check out our collection of articles full of tips, tricks and ideas to help get the conversation flowing! Get to know how to talk to anyone anytime anywhere!
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https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/polyamory-meaning-open-relationship-dating-b1912685.html https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2016/08/121109/polyamorous-relationships-open-sex-study https://www.elitedaily.com/p/8-hardest-parts-about-being-polyamorous-that-no-tells-you-but-i-will-8972486
Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action.
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