Playing With Vibrator

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Playing With Vibrator
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Sex and Intimacy for Married Christians
So, you’re thinking about trying a vibrator … but you’re not sure what to get, or what to do with it when you have it. Below are a few ideas to get you started. Since everyone is different, use this as a starting place to discover what works best with your spouse. (Note: We see a vibrator as one more way that a couple can enjoy the gift of sex. For more on that, see the What’s Okay, What’s Not? article.)
Before we get to how, let’s discuss what. If you have not already purchased a vibrator, our suggestion would be a bullet or egg vibrator with a soft covering. These vibrators are powerful, quiet, versatile, and inexpensive. To buy on-line, check our shopping links page (items shown link to Amazon). If the vibrator becomes a regular part of your love play, you might want to get some rechargeable batteries. You will also want to have a spare/charged set handy – dying batteries can be an inconvenience!
Some couples have concerns about adding a vibrator to their sex lives. He may be afraid she will start to “like it more than me” and she may be concerned it will be impersonal and cold. These fears are normal, but unfounded. Talk about any such worries, and keep open communication about them as you explore. Realize that for women sex is relational – no device is ever going to please her the way a loving husband will. If a woman chooses a vibe over her husband the problem is almost certainly not sexual; it shows a relationship problem.
A couple may be afraid that the vibrator will become the focus of their sex, and mean less intercourse. In reality, a vibrator often means more sex. Most women find orgasm takes a certain amount of time and energy, even when they feel sexual desire . If a woman doesn’t feel she has the time and/or energy necessary to have an orgasm, she may shy away from sex, or choose to have sex “just for him.” Because a vibrator can make orgasm faster and easier (but not necessarily better), a woman may choose to have sex, or to have sex for both of them, when she would have said no before having a vibrator. The vibrator can be a back-up – the woman is able to have sex because she knows her husband can use the vibrator if need be. Sometimes once she gets going she has no need or interest in the vibrator – but knowing it was there made it easier for her to start.
Finally, some folks are afraid that the woman will become “addicted” to the vibrator, and unable to orgasm without it. Despite years of warnings about this from some, it does not happen. Some couples use a vibrator to give the wife her first ever orgasm, and then use what they learned from that to give her orgasms in other ways. If it were addictive, it could not be the starting place for learning to orgasm in other ways. We have talked to couples who have used a vibrator for a decade or more, and several of the women feel they are now more orgasmic without the vibrator than before they started to use it.
If you are lying side by side with her (which will be emotionally preferable for some women, especially at first) place it between her labia, over or near the clitoris, with your hand cupped over the vibrator. Start with the speed low so as not to overstimulate her. You can gradually turn the speed up as she approaches orgasm – but be aware that turning it up too fast or too high may be a problem for her. Some women will want full speed well before orgasm; others may never want more than half speed. You can push your hand, and the vibrator, slightly into her and hold or push and release repeatedly. You can also move your hand very slightly up and down (parallel to her labia), or left and right, or in small circles. Try various things and see how she reacts. Be aware of her body movements, especially any thrusting or other movements of the pelvis. If she has a rhythm going, figure out how to work with it. The movements will likely intensify and speed up as she approaches orgasm, so stay aware of her body.
You have to figure out what to do as and after she climaxes. Cut back stimulation too soon and you will rob her of the full potential of her orgasm. A small percentage of women get hypersensitive the way most men do – if she is one of these you will need to back off before or as she finishes. Back off by turning the speed down, then off, rather than breaking contact with her body. Be sure to lie still and hold her after she climaxes.
If she can have and wants multiple orgasms, you will need to learn how to make the transition from one to the next. Most likely, she will want a reduction of stimulation as she finished each orgasm. If she has never had multiples, but wants to try, a vibrator is a great way to learn – let her guide you by telling you what she needs, or by placing her hand over yours to guide you.
The husband can also sit or lie between her legs to pleasure her. This gives him two hands to work with, better access… and a nice view. Some lubricant is good here, either hers or artificial. Apply the lube to her clitoris and the surrounding area. Hold the vibrator between thumb and forefinger, or with thumb and two fingers like a fat pencil, so you can use the tip on her. Your other hand can be used to better expose her vulva, or later to add some penetration. The clitoris is very sensitive, so don’t start there – start with the outer edge of the outer labia and work inward slowly . Again, you want to start with low speed and increase as she becomes more aroused. Each woman varies – some will be able to take or will want direct stimulation of the clitoris, others will not. The aroused vulva is like a full motion waterbed, any vibrations applied to any part are felt throughout. Experiment with her outer labia, her inner labia, and the clitoris. Try up and down strokes and circles of varying size. Try moving down with a firm stroke and up with a light stroke, then try the reverse. If she is too sensitive to take direct stimulation of the clitoris, you can do this to one side. Try an upside-down “U” – up one side, over the top, and down the other side – then reverse. When she is well aroused, try adding some penetration. Most women have stronger orgasms if the PC muscles have something to “grab,” and for some women the difference is significant. Start with one finger; try two or three if she seems to enjoy it. You can try thrusting, but don’t get carried away, your fingers are a lot harder, and have less give, than your penis, and you can easily leave her sore. You can also put in one or two fingers palm up (or insert palm down and then turn your hand over) so that your fingertips are on her G-spot. A “come hither” motion will then stimulate the G-spot . If you do this before she is well aroused it may just cause her to feel a need to urinate – if you get her good and aroused and then start gradually you should be able to avoid this. Some women will go wild for this, some will not even feel it, a few will find it displeasing, and most will get a slight boost in enjoyment and orgasm out of it. Again, watch for her rhythm and work with it. Be aware of how she responds during climax, and reduce stimulation as needed. When she is done lay beside her and hug… or make love to her.
While a vibrator is stimulating when used on a man, it’s much less so than for a woman. He will probably want a faster speed from the start. A light touch is unlikely to be the best – firmly pressing the vibrator to the penis will be more stimulating. Use a lubricant and focus on the head, especially the underside. Try moving the vibrator in small circles or in small back and forth strokes. You may or may not be able to cause him to climax with the vibrator alone – if not, try using it as a part of manual or oral play or as foreplay for intercourse.
The other way to use the vibrator for his enjoyment is to have him watch you use it on yourself. Most men find this extremely arousing, and it can also be very instructive for them.
You can slip an egg or bullet vibe between your bodies in just about any face-to-face position. You want it between her outer labia, over the clitoris. In this location, the women will feel the vibrator directly, and the man will feel it indirectly. The way the couple moves will change how strongly the vibrator stimulates the women. Adjust the speed to something comfortable for her . You can buy special ring vibrators made for sex this way – the ring goes around the base of the penis, and holds the vibrator in place against the man’s body just above the penis.
In a few positions, the husband can use the vibrator on his wife’s clitoris during intercourse. Most rear-entry positions allow this, as well as “spoons” (both on their sides, husband behind wife) and some sitting positions. The husband can use the vibrator as he thrusts, or he can lay still and use it. These techniques may be of use to couples where the woman finds it difficult to orgasm during intercourse, or the man suffers from premature ejaculation.
It is also possible for the woman to apply the vibrator to herself in some positions. Some men will be uncomfortable with this, and some women won’t want to do it. It’s a matter of what the couple finds acceptable and mutually enjoyable.
We’ve shared some general suggestions about how you might bring a vibrator into play in the bedroom, but please realize that everyone is quite individual in their likes and dislikes. Don’t be afraid to do something that doesn’t work along the path to finding something that does work. Play and experiment to find ways of using a vibe that both of you enjoy.
image credit vibration ripples © Gerd Altmann / Pixabay
The content of this website is provided for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. If you have or suspect you have a medical condition or problem, contact a professional healthcare provider. You should not use information from this site to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.
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There’s a lot of vibrator fear-mongering out there, mostly from idiots who are threatened by female sexual empowerment. Worried that you might get addicted to a vibrator? Or that your male partners would be intimidated by your vibrator usage? Let’s bust through the BS and talk about how to make your vibrator a healthy part of your masturbatory life.
If you’ve never used a vibrator before, you’re in for a treat. Vibrators create much more intense stimulation than fingers, tongues, or penises can. If you’ve never had an orgasm before, you may find it easier to have your first one with a vibrator. If you’re regularly able to orgasm in other ways, you may find your orgasms to be much more intense when they’re coming from a vibrator. There are women out there that just aren’t big vibrator fans (nothing wrong with that), but most women enjoy the sensation.
In purchasing your first vibrator, my first recommendation is that you make an investment. You may be tempted to buy something cheap if you’ve never used a sex toy before, but I really think you’re better served saving up your pennies to buy a high-quality product. More money typically buys more thoughtful design, a more powerful and durable motor, and body-safe materials. You won’t regret it.
My favorite vibrator for orgasm newbies is the Minna Life Limon . I like it because it’s simple and intuitive to use, fits in the hand nicely, and packs a punch despite looking cutesy. I’m also a big fan of the two-pronged design of the CRAVE Duet . It might look a little intimidating for a first-time toy, but many women will love the clitoris-cradling sensation it creates. Both the LELO Lily and JeJoue Mimi are pretty straightforward and uncomplicated, while still being high-quality. I suggest reading reviews online to get more perspectives about your potential purchase. (BTW, A Roll In The Hay and Oh Joy Sex Toy are two of my favorite reviewers).
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If it’s your very first time using a vibrator, spend some time getting yourself warmed up and excited for this experience . This is going to be fun! Gently stroke all over your body, and spend some time caressing your labia and clitoris with your fingers. In short: get your own motor running before you turn on the battery-powered one.
I suggest using your vibrator in conjunction with lube , which will help your toy glide gently across your clitoris instead of tugging at it. If you have a silicone toy, you want to avoid silicone lubes, which can break down your new purchase. I recommend Toy Love by Wicked . It’s a water-based lube (safe for silicone toys!) that has the same wonderful texture as a silicone lube.
Now, it’s time to grab your vibrator! Turn it on to the lowest power setting, and gently touch it to the surface of your clitoris. For some women, this will feel like hardly anything. For others, it might feel so intense that you leap off the bed. Clits vary wildly in their sensitivity, so it’s best to start super soft. If even the lowest setting is too much for you, try holding the vibrator against your labia, so that it’s not touching your clitoris directly. Or put a towel or blanket between you and your toy, or keep your underwear on. If you need more intensity, gradually increase the speed settings. (This is why I like the Limon so much; you simply squeeze harder for more speed, instead of having to fiddle with any buttons.) You’re looking for a setting that feels nice and moderate, not like it’s power-waxing your clitoris.
Play with where you like the vibration, too. Some women like having the vibe front and center on their clitorises. Others like more indirect contact, like you’re sneaking up on your clitoris instead of pouncing on it. Imagine that your clitoris is like a delicious pie cut into four slices, and try touching the vibrator against the edge of each slice. Compare that to what it feels like when the vibrator is on your clitoris.
Once you’ve found a good speed, try messing with the vibrational pattern settings on your vibrator (if it has them). Cycle through all of your options, and try to find the ones that you like best. It’s not likely that one particular pattern will blow your mind more than the others, but some women may find that they have decently strong preferences. If you feel a little baffled about all the options, just stick with the constant vibration pattern.
It’s good to give yourself time to play around with different speeds and settings, but once you’re ready to orgasm, you’ll want to stick with your favorite settings. When you’ve got your vibrator dialed in, hold it against your clitoris, and let it do its job. You may find yourself squirming around a bit underneath the toy; that’s natural. Let your body respond how it wants to respond, and hold on for the ride!
Let’s get one thing straight: there’s no conclusive evidence that shows that you can get “addicted” to your vibrator. That being said, it’s still a good idea to put some thought into how you would like vibrators to function in your sex life. Namely, do you want your orgasms to be the result of a vibrator, your own hands, your partner’s efforts, or a combination of the above?
There are some women out there who would be perfectly content having every single one of their orgasms originate from a mechanical motor. That’s totally cool; do your thing girl. But if you ever experience vaginal numbness or tingling, if you feel like you have to keep using higher intensity settings on your vibrator, if you notice less clitoral sensitivity, or if you feel like it’s becoming harder to orgasm without a vibrator, try taking a 1-2 week vibrator hiatus (these are all extremely unlikely possibilities, but they’re still possibilities). Your body may have become acclimated to vibration, but those effects will go away after a short break. No fear-mongering here!
There are going to be other women out there who would like to orgasm from a variety of stimulation. If that’s the case for you, just be moderate in your vibrator usage. If you’ve never had a non-vibrator orgasm, try tucking your vibrator into your bedside table for a while and learning how to orgasm in other ways . If you can orgasm without a vibrator, try masturbating about half of the time with your vibrator and half the time with your hands. A little moderation is all you need!
Have any other questions about masturbation? We’re doing a series of articles about it , so feel free to reach out if there’s a masturbation topic you’d like to see covered!
Vanessa Marin is a licensed psychotherapist (#78931) specializing in sex therapy. It’s her mission to take the intimidation out of sex therapy and bring the fun back into the bedroom. Have questions about sex? You can reach her at vanessa.marin@lifehacker.com , or at VMTherapy.com.
Lifehacker: After Hours is a new blog aiming to improve your sex life. Follow us on Twitter here .

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