Playing With My Clitoris

Playing With My Clitoris

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Maressa Brown is a journalist and astrologer who's a regular lifestyle contributor and resident astrologer for InStyle. She has nearly two decades of professional experience writing, reporting, and editing lifestyle content for a variety of digital and print consumer-facing publications including Parents, Shape, Astrology.com, and more. She is currently based in Los Angeles and completing her first title with Artisan Books to be published in early 2023.

For as long as science has been aware of the clitoris, it has been the subject of much scrutiny, confusion, and dismissal.

The Greeks seemed to get the hype, as the word for the female organ comes from the Greek kleitoris , which has been translated as both "little hill" and "to rub." But that doesn't even begin to cover the treasure trove of nerves, blood vessels, and, in turn, the potential mind-blowing pleasure that it offers — right at our fingertips.

And that pleasure part is key. Casey Tanner , certified sex therapist and an expert for sex toy company LELO , explains that the clitoris is the only genital organ that functions solely for sexual satisfaction as opposed to reproduction. "The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings in the tip alone," she notes. "That's twice as many as the penis, and yet the clitoris often gets only half of the attention, if that."

It's no wonder that, according to a study of over a thousand women published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy , 37% reported clitoral stimulation was necessary for orgasm during intercourse, and an additional 36% indicated that, while clitoral stimulation was not needed, their orgasms feel better if their clitoris is stimulated during intercourse. And while you might think of clitoral and vaginal orgasms as two different things, we now know that what most of us think of the clitoris is actually just the external tip of the iceberg — the clitoris continues inside of the body, too. "Even vaginal orgasms are dependent on the clitoris, which is much larger than its visible tip such that it can be stimulated internally through penetration," says Tanner.

No doubt that's a case for learning more ways to enjoy the ultimate pleasure spot. Here, the best ways to stimulate the clitoris on your own or with a partner, according to Tanner and other sex experts.

Those same 8,000 nerve endings mean that the clitoris is sensitive in the best way, but sometimes friction can increase sensitivity to the point of discomfort or pain — especially when the clitoris is aroused, which experts will refer to as erect (yep, same as a penis), says Tanner. And although your vaginal tunnel is capable of creating its own lube when you're turned on, the clitoris is not.

For that reason, Tanner says it's vital to introduce a lubricant to stave off chafing and dryness. She recommends starting with a water-based lubricant (like LELO's Personal Moisturizer , $25 for 5 fl. oz.). "It uses natural ingredients, is pH balanced to prevent infection, and safe for use with toys," says Tanner. "A little goes a long way, so massage a few drops onto the clitoris and add as needed."

If you're new to clitoral stimulation, Tanner offers the following tips for getting acquainted with your clit.

Be mindful. Try explorative touch with the optional addition of a hand-held mirror. "Every clit is different, so notice the anatomy of yours," she notes. "Where is it in relation to your labia? How large or small is it? Take note of the clitoral hood, the small fold of skin that surrounds the head of the clitoris. No need to judge or label – simply notice." After all, the more familiar you become, the easier it will be to locate during solo play, she points out.

Start with a super slow, gentle touch. "Even before you touch, you can give the vulva a little hug," advises Amy Baldwin, sex educator and co-host of the Shameless Sex Podcast . "Cup the vulva with your well-lubed hand, and let it hang out there so the skin temperatures can acclimate to one another."

Try different patterns. "Use your index and middle fingers to massage the head in small, circular motions," advises Tanner, who adds that you might also enjoy rubbing the same fingers back and forth just slightly across your clitoris in small, straight lines, noting the difference in sensation.

Other motions to consider, according to Baldwin: kneading, pinching, swirling, stroking, tugging, and tapping on and all around the clitoris, including the labia.

Use varying pressures. "Experiment with pressing down harder as your massage, finding an intensity that feels stimulating without causing discomfort," suggests Tanner.

When it comes to the amount of pressure you might prefer, consider that the main factor in the sensitivity of your clitoris is the size of your clitoral hood. "The anatomical equivalent to the foreskin on a penis, the hood is the small fold of skin that surrounds the head of the clitoris to protect its delicate tissue from friction," explains Tanner. "When the clitoris becomes erect, the clitoral hood retracts to expose the sensitive tissue to pleasurable sensations. Folks with a larger clitoral hood, and thus more protection, may be able to tolerate more direct and intense touch. People with a thinner or smaller hood may find that they enjoy a lighter touch."

And if you happen to have a larger clitoral hood, you can also manually retract it by taking your index finger and pulling upwards slightly on the skin above your clitoris, she recommends. Then, using your fingers or a vibrator, you'll notice the increased sensitivity to touch.

Be indirect. "If these options are feeling too sensitive, try massaging your clitoris indirectly, through your labia," notes Tanner. "Use your fingers to move your labial folds over your clitoris, and then try the same techniques again. If these options aren't stimulating enough, use a vibrator to up the intensity."

You can also simply spend time massaging the outer areas of the vulva, including the labia majora and minora and opening of the vagina where the clitoral anatomy attaches internally, recommends Shannon Chavez, Psy.D., a psychologist and sex therapist in Los Angeles .

If you're partnered: The same techniques described above can be used by someone else during partnered sex, either with a partner's fingers or tongue, notes Tanner. "Use directive language, such as 'a bit softer' or 'a little to your right,'" she suggests. "If you're comfortable doing so, move their hand to locate your clit, or show them where it is using your own hand. Introduce these activities by letting your partner know that you're learning more about what makes you feel good, and you want them to be part of that."

If you're a seasoned pro at jilling off, consider these next-level moves.

Try layering. "When playing solo, try massaging your clitoris indirectly, through your labia, to control for the sensitivity of your clitoris," recommends Tanner. "This technique involves using your fingers to move your labial folds over your clitoris before applying pressure."

Experiment with "broadening." In order to explore what different surface areas feel like on your clitoris, you can move away from using just two fingers and try using the surface of your palm instead.

If you're partnered: "When choosing a position, think about angling yourself such that each thrust or hand motion will also hit rhythmically against your clitoris," advises Tanner. "For example, ask your partner to lie on their back while you straddle them seated on top. Rather than moving vertically — up and down — angle your body forward at about 45 degrees, letting your clitoris rub against the shaft of their penis or strap-on." Another option: "Choose positions such as doggie style, wherein you or your partner have a free hand that can stimulate the clitoris with fingers or toys during penetration," she says.

Interested in incorporating some tech-savvy gear? Consider these tips.

Reach for a wand toy. There's no doubt that you can use a classic wand vibrator on the clitoris. Because the head is larger than a cylindrical model, it'll cover more surface area of the clit, says Chavez.

Try internal stimulation. "Thrusters or curved devices will stimulate the G-spot and can be moved from side to side and stimulate the internal anatomy of the clitoris," points out Chavez.

Explore with a clitoral vibrator. You might also consider experimenting with toys that were designed with clitoral stimulation in mind. If you're playing solo, Tanner likes LELO's ORA 3 ($169; LELO.com ). "It has a rotating tongue stimulator that mirrors the sensation of oral sex and can be applied directly to the clitoris for intense stimulation, or massaged around the clitoris for a slightly more gentle experience," she notes.

If you're with a partner: "If you're desiring more clitoral stimulation with a partner, try introducing TIANI 3 ($169; LELO.com ) in the missionary position," she recommends. "Insert the smaller arm into the vagina, and the larger one on your clitoris. You or your partner can then use the hand-held remote control to explore different settings and intensities."

No matter what technique you're using, do your best to be patient with yourself and how long it might take to reach climax. "Porn and romcoms depict people with vulvas orgasming after mere seconds of sexual activity, and this is not reflective of reality," says Tanner. "If your goal is to have an orgasm, it's not at all abnormal to need 20 minutes or more to get yourself there. Take breaks, or alternate between internal and external stimulation if sensitivity becomes a problem."

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Ro White
Ro White is a Chicago-based writer, sex educator, and Autostraddle’s Sex & Dating Editor.

Zachary Zane
Zachary Zane is a Brooklyn-based writer, speaker, and activist whose work focuses on lifestyle, sexuality, and culture. He was formerly the digital associate editor at OUT Magazine and currently has a queer cannabis column, Puff Puff YASS, at Civilized.

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The clitoris has around 8,000 nerve endings—roughly double the number in a penis.
If your partner has a vulva, they might enjoy penetrative sex, but you’ll need to stimulate the clitoris to take them over the edge. A 2017 study published in the journal Sex and Marital Therapy found that only 18% of women can orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. The rest either require or prefer clitoral stimulation to orgasm during intercourse.
The clitoris has around 8,000 nerve endings , which is roughly double the number in a penis. In her book Come As You Are , sex researcher Emily Nagoski writes that the clitoris is the “Grand Central Station of erotic sensation.” But despite its critical role in pleasure and arousal, researchers haven’t always given the clitoris the attention it deserves. The clitoris was omitted from some early medical textbooks. We didn’t even have a 3D model of the clitoris until 2009 . Thankfully, we now know more about its structure than ever before, and you can use this knowledge to stimulate the clitoris.
The clitoris is like an iceberg—it’s larger than you think. There’s a tiny nub at the top of a vulva where the inner labia meet (that’s the glans), but the majority of the clitoris is actually underneath the skin . The full clitoris is shaped kind of like a wishbone that runs along the sides of the vulva and extends up to five inches inside the body. You may have noticed your partner’s vulva puffs up before or during sex. That’s because the clitoris is composed of erectile tissue that swells during arousal, just like the penis.
Because the clitoris is both an internal and external structure, some researchers believe that “ G-spot orgasms ” don’t exist —they’re actually internal clitoral orgasms. For this piece, however, we’re going to focus on the parts of the clitoris that you can access externally.
Even though the clitoris is a highly erogenous zone , it’s not a magic button. You can’t just poke it and expect your partner to moan in ecstasy. For the best clitoral stimulation, you need to stay consistent and pay attention to your partner’s feedback.
Before you try something new, you should ask your partner to tell you or show you what they like. But in the event they’re not sure exactly what feels great (or they’re in the mood to explore), here are some tips from sex experts about how to go about stimulating the clitoris.
The most sensitive part of the clitoris is located where the labia meet, but it can be hard to find the right spot, especially if you’re in low lighting. “The easiest way to find the clit by touch is by asking your partner to place your fingers on it—there’s no shame in that,” explains Allison Moon, sex educator and author of Girl Sex 101 . “Some clits are more prominent than others. It’s better to ask than to diddle a part that definitely isn’t it.”
If you’re not sure where to start, cup your partner’s vulva and let them control the movement and pressure. “Create a firm base with your palm that your partner can hump or grind against,” Moon says. “Ask them to move their hips against your hand to demonstrate the kind of motion that feels good to them.”
While some people love direct clitoral stimulation on the glans, others might find it’s too intense. If your partner has a particularly sensitive clitoris, Moon recommends stimulating the area around the glans by stroking the clitoral hood or either side of the clitoral shaft.
“Imagine the clit has a clock on it, where the top point, closest to their bellybutton, is twelve, and the spot closest to their vaginal opening is six,” says sex-hacker and sexpert Kenneth Play . “ Move along their clit around the clock with a finger or sex toy , starting from twelve and going in a circle slowly, asking them to let you know which spot feels the best.”
Once you find the right location, try different ways of touching it, Play explains. “The things you can vary are pressure, friction, speed, and angle,” he says. You can tell them to make a noise, squeeze your hand, or say something when it feels particularly good.
As the adage goes, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” The most common frustrating thing men do is change things up too much, says Play. Once you find what works, keep doing it. “You don’t need a million different tricks, you just need to find the thing they like, and consistently repeat it,” he says. “Let it build up enough to spill over.”
“Put your fingers in a peace sign and with lots of lube , slide them up and down on the inside of their outer lips, around the inner lips,” explains Anne Louise Burdett, a certified Sex Educator and CEO of TOCA , an organic CBD line of intimacy lubricants. “Here you are stimulating the extended internal structure of the clitoris. This is erectile tissue that becomes highly sensitive when engorged, making the area hotter, filled with blood and pulsing.” Make sure that you use plenty of lube; this does not feel pleasurable without it.
“Slide or bring the heel of your hand to the hood of their clitoris,” Burdett says. Have your partner breathe and ask them if they want more or less pressure. “You may want to repeat this, pulse, or slide.” You can also apply pressure with other things besides your hands, including sex toys .
“Spread your fingers and lay them flat over your partner’s outer labia, and then alternate pressure between your fingers,” Burdett says. As always, explore pressure and rhythm, and ask your partner what feels best. “Here you are stimulating the clitoral bulbs under the outer labia, which is an essential way to signal to the body to produce lubrication and fill the area with blood to increase pleasure and sensitivity vastly.”
The future of sex is here, and there are hundreds if not thousands of toys created to stimulate the clitoris directly. There’s even been a surge in clitoral suction devices (a.k.a. clit suckers) that provide a unique stimulation that your hands simply can’t—no matter how hard you may try. Here are some to try.
Swap deep penetration for deep clitoral pleasure. In the CAT sex position, the insertive partner holds themselves over the receptive partner—like in missionary—but they shift their body forward so their penis or dildo is pointing down. That way, as the insertive partner moves their shaft toward their partner's vagina, it rubs against the clitoris on the way there.

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