Plan A 3 Sex
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Maybe it's spring in the air, maybe it's that anything-goes last month of your senior year of college, or maybe it's that you've been watching too much of that damned Vampire Diaries (hot love triangles, hotter actors, is Ian Somerhalder even a real person, etc). Whatever the reason, you've decided that you want to go for it — like, it -it. The most prizewinning of sex acts: the menage-a-trois . Dope.
Except, you know, we don't live in the super-chill Game of Thrones -iverse, where threesomes — and wine and murder — are an important part of daily life. I mean, I don't even know if my neighborhood has a velvet-swathed brothel for me to shimmy into, boyfriend in tow. No, for me and for most anyone who isn't Westerosi nobility, a threesome demands a bit of foresight and planning.
Maybe if there were, say, a handy how-to guide... Hey, lookee here!
A disclosure, before we begin: I have actually never had a threesome, and accordingly, don't consider myself qualified to dole out mid-coitus play-by-play directives. But as a 20-something women who, like, breathes and dates other 20-somethings, I've been propositioned a fair few times to partake in a menage. So, as with all things that have piqued my interest deeply — ebola, Anonymous, Cat Marnell, speakeasies — I have researched the everloving shit out of this topic. Basically, I'm here to shave five hours off your Googling time, leaving you with five hours more to canoodle, trio-style. So let's get to it!
With any sexscapade — from hooking up with a rando to having the vanilla-est missionary tryst with your longtime partner on a Tuesday morning — it's important to check in with yourself to ensure that you're doing what you're doing for the right reasons. Is the actual reality of a threesome as attractive to you as the fantasy of one? Are you feeling secure with yourself (and your partner, if you have one)? Are you a baller communicator? This is just a good habit to get into generally.
If you're coupled up and you really want to go for this, it's imperative to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page first. ( That does not mean "convincing" your partner to have a threesome with you.) This will entail some planning and a shitload of talking.
You should discuss threesomes hypothetically. You should consider threesomes as a real possibility, with real ramifications. You should bring up any issues you're concerned a threesome might exacerbate . You should go over ground rules . You should explain what kind of threesome you're interested in. You should talk until you're soooo sick of talking about threesomes that they're almost not sexy anymore — almost. And then, and only then, if you're both into the idea, you can move forward.
First, I put "third wheel(s)" in quotes because everyone should be an equally pleasured and pleasuring participant in this scenario. Anyway. Unless you're, like, Samantha from Sex in the City , finding and asking the right person is going to be a little awkward no matter what — just keep in mind how much fun the payoff will be.
Whether you're the couple or a unicorn (yes, that is the actual term for single women who are interested in partaking in a threesome, because you're rare and horny, I guess?), you have a lot of options . These include asking friends or acquaintances if they know anyone, asking friends or acquaintances to join in, putting out an ad on Craigslist, downloading that new threesome app 3nder , hitting up a swinger's club, or approaching contenders at a bar. Each comes with its own set of caveats, of course: you might make things weird with people you actually know , Craigslist is full of creeps , 3nder is sort of new, sex clubs can be kind of disappointing , and approaching someone at a bar and being like, "Threesome?" is sort of terrifying.
However you meet or find your participants, what's important is that you take a little time to get to know each other first . Meet in person, somewhere public, before you decide to go through with anything. Talk for a little while about normal stuff, about sex stuff, about specific threesome stuff. Set expectations. Take safety precautions (of the sexual and stranger-danger varieties). Make sure that don't wind up with Patrick Bateman in bed. And make sure you can say yes to the following questions, posed by the wise Sara Benincasa at Jezebel :
Look, I am not naive enough to think that every beer-pong instigated hookup is preceded by an STI test. But sleeping or fooling around with someone new has its risks; three people means more risk. If you're planning this — like, planning-planning it, over email or whatever — I don't think it's at all unreasonable to say something like, "[I/My partner and I] have been tested for STIs recently and these were our results, [I'm/we're] looking for someone who has also been recently tested."
Something you absolutely MUST do is stock up on condoms. Like, a lot of condoms, because you should be changing condoms every time you switch between sexual acts . I like the idea of using colored condoms , coded by who's shtupping who — a little silly, maybe, but I'd take silly over syphilis any day. Oh, and just a thought, but you might want to keep a small trash can near wherever you're getting it on. Because, I don't know, condoms everywhere, right?
This last one is sort of about safety, but also concerns your emotional well-being. If your funds allow for it, you might want to consider renting a hotel room for the threesome, at least the first time. It's safer than exchanging personal addresses, it will give you a little distance from your domestic sphere (like, what if the threesome is a mess, and you think about it and get bummed about it every time you crawl into bed? Not great, Bob), and it might just make you feel sexier. And, DUH, tell someone where you are. Safe, sane, and consensual, everybody!
By Grant Stoddard Published: Mar 28, 2019
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"Through tears of joy, she exclaimed that this was the best gift she could have hoped for."
Around five weeks out from my wife’s 30th birthday, I began to panic. Thirty was a milestone birthday, and it required a gift of some significance. Upping the stakes further, it would be her first birthday since we tied the knot.
Jewelry really wasn't Maria’s thing, and given that her fashion choices were so quintessentially her, I knew that surprising her with an item of clothing would be a gamble. Amidst all this impotent fretting, I received an email from a woman saying that she’d read and enjoyed my writing about sex. I got messages like this every once in a while, but this one was particularly flirty—the sign-off mentioning that I should look her up if I ever happened to be in Toronto.
In the next set of exchanges, Carla mentioned her high sex drive and penchant for novelty. A few days later, she attached some pictures. The shots were of a tall, beautiful, slender yet curvaceous brunette in various states of undress. The idea that my writing had piqued her interest in me was really not helping me to hone in on Maria’s 30th birthday gift. Until suddenly, it did.
In her latest communique, she mentioned that having a threesome with a guy and another woman was on her sexual to-do list. It just so happened that it was also on my wife’s. And although I’d had a debauched sex life due to my work, having a regular old-fashioned threesome had somehow evaded me.
Given the audacity of the plan taking shape, I asked for Carla’s number and called her as opposed to plotting this out over email. In a voice that sounded exactly like Pam from the Office, she enthusiastically consented to my plan. That plan was just this: I would fly her the 2000 miles from Toronto to Vancouver where three of us would hole up in a hotel room, emerging periodically for food and drinks. Carla already seen and gushed over pictures of Maria on Facebook, and I felt confident that Maria would feel similarly enthused about her.
My next move was to make sure that Maria would be amenable to a sexy weekend while retaining something to surprise her with on her actual birthday. Together, we selected dates, ultimately choosing a weekend around two weeks after her birthday. I figured that I would reveal exactly what I had in store for her with enough lead time for Maria to get excited and prep. And in the event that I totally misjudged the situation, I’d still have a couple of weeks to apologize and get her a more traditional gift. Once I confirmed the dates with Carla, I reserved a chic, boutique hotel room and bought her ticket out west.
Ultimately, I did end up getting Maria some more traditional gifts for her to open on her birthday, but the pièce de résistance was a birthday card/brochure I’d made featuring pictures Carla had sent for that very purpose. I waited with bated breath as she absorbed the images and read through the details of what I had planned. To my immense relief, my audacious gift elicited not a slap but a hug. Through tears of joy, Maria exclaimed that this was the best gift she could have hoped for. At that moment, I was king of the world.
There were a couple of things thing worrying me, however. Try as I might, I hadn’t managed to establish that the Carla on the phone was the woman in the dozens of pictures I’d been sent. Apparently, she didn’t have a webcam—making verification that much more difficult. I was also just too damn polite to insist that she send me a selfie of her face next to a copy of today’s paper. “I promise it’s me,” she said, when I alluded to my doubts. But I was also fixated on another scenario in which Carla just didn’t show up. Not being the type to keep my paranoia to myself, I told Maria, who was typically unflappable.
“If she isn’t the woman in the picture, we’re not obligated to spend the weekend with her,” she said. “And if she doesn’t show, you and I get to have a dirty weekend together. It’s all good."
Maria spent Friday afternoon in prep mode. She got a mani-pedi, a bikini wax, and picked out some hot lingerie to wear. I checked into the room, provisioned it with condoms, lube, various sex toys, water, snacks and put a bottle of bubbly on ice. I took a shower, then headed out to the airport and girded myself for an imposter, a no-show, or Carla in all her glory. Sure enough, there she was, looking even more gorgeous than in her pictures.
We got into a cab and started making out—but a minute or two in, she warned me that if we went any further, she wouldn’t be able to stop. It was a remark the cabbie heard and shot me a sharp look in the rearview. Maria was waiting for us in the hotel bar when we arrived. We ordered some cocktails and engaged in some excited and slightly awkward conversation. Maria suggested that we go and get dinner, which prompted Carla to suggest that we head upstairs instead.
“I’m not really that hungry,” she said. “Maybe we’ll be hungry later?”
With that, Carla grabbed Maria’s hand and started guiding her towards the elevator. Maria, looked over her shoulder, winked and mouthed “oh my god” and then “thank you.” I immediately threw some cash on the table, grabbed Carla’s case and gamely followed them into the elevator, barely concealing my shit-eating grin from the intrigued concierge.
In the room, I poured the girls some bubbles then went into the bathroom to try and regain my composure. Given that neither of them had been with a woman before, I was concerned that things could take a while to get going. It turns out, I didn't need to worry: By the time I reemerged 90 seconds later, both were in their underwear hungrily, making out with their hands all over one another. After watching them 69 for a few minutes, I was ushered into the fray.
The rest of the weekend was something of a blur. As expected there was quite a lot of sex, interspersed with trips to bars and restaurants. By the end of day two, however, Maria’s thirst for lengthy sex sessions had been slaked and she was egging us to spend more time out of the hotel room. Though Carla was reluctant to put clothes on—as was I, honestly—we finally ventured outside. In all, a successful weekend.
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Carina Hsieh
Sex & Relationships Editor
Carina Hsieh lives in NYC with her French Bulldog Bao Bao — follow her on Instagram and Twitter • Candace Bushnell once called her the Samantha Jones of Tinder • She enjoys hanging out in the candle aisle of TJ Maxx and getting lost in Amazon spirals.
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Pro tip: Make sure the bed is actually big enough for all three of you to sleep in together afterward.
While having a threesome right now is def not the best idea given the pandemic, the idea of ye olde ménage à trois remains one of the most popular evergreen sexual bucket list activities in healthier times. And why shouldn’t it be? A threesomes isn’t just the male-oriented fantasy that pop culture makes it out to be sometimes. There are plenty of reasons a woman would also want and seek out a threesome—and you should be encouraged to explore that territory if it’s something that turns you on. Whether you’re in a committed couple finding a third, looking to join an existing couple in a threesome as their unicorn or invite a third into your relationship, or just trying it out amongst friends, it’s easier to have a threesome than you’d think.
Sure, there can be planning involved, but if you’re going to go by movie standards, it’s rarely the wordless kissing of a tangle of strangers and then waking up the next morning as if nothing happened. You’ve gotta talk it out and make sure everyone’s on board, and sleeping on the decision is never a bad idea.
Before we get into the stories of three anonymous women who have dabbled in threesome arts, here’s a quick list of their tips for having a successful threesome—from experience!
Woman A: I had actually just lost my virginity to the guy that week, but we had been talking for a while. The both of us went out with my friend and one thing led to another. I figured “go big or go home.”
Woman B: I was single, and I volunteered to be the unicorn with a M/F couple I met on Tinder.
Woman C: Nope. It was me and two random guys I met at bar.
Woman A: Both my friend and I were always open to the idea of threesomes, but it definitely wasn’t planned. She just didn’t go home at the end of the night, and suddenly we were all in bed.
Woman B: The boyfriend of the couple was the one who ran the account, although both of their pictures were on the profile. This proved contentious when I ended up enjoying her company a lot more than his—he wouldn’t let me text her directly, which I maintain was because he was afraid we’d run off together!
Woman C: One of the two guys, who I’d approached at a bar in the wee morning hours of New Year’s 2020.
Woman A: I really liked the dude I was seeing, but I didn’t expect it to go anywhere, so there wasn’t a real pressure if it went badly. My friend, I knew it would never be weird, so when the opportunity came up, I thought why not. The handful of beers definitely helped as well.
Woman B: As a bisexual person on Tinder, I get a lot of “unicorn” offers, most of which I turn down. That said, when the guy told me he was reading transcripts from the Salem Witch Trials and his girlfriend was an aerialist like me, I was sold on the idea of at least going on a date with the pair of them—I figured I was in for a weird, fun evening and something that would eventually be a story, if nothing else.
Woman C: It was quite serendipitous, actually. I approached one of the guys and started flirting with him, thinking, Hey, it’s New Year’s, maybe we’ll make out or something . But then he introduced me to his friend and asked if I wanted to have a threesome. I thought I was being punk’d and asked them a bunch of times whether they were serious, and they insisted they were. I told them to buy condoms to prove it, and they went to the bodega around the corner and each bought a pack, which I thought was very funny.
Woman A: I hate to be that person but it just happened!
Woman B: Scheduling a date with one person is a nightmare; scheduling with two is exponentially worse! We didn’t go home together after the first date (it was a Monday night and who wants that), meaning it took us two weeks of frustrating texting to lock down a second, by which time we all wanted to kill each other, especially because we kept teasing and competing with each other.
Woman C: Honestly, it was so easy. There was no planning. It was a gift dropped into my lap to kick off 2020, and I am so grateful.
Woman A: I think I’m actually way more nervous about any potential future threesomes than I was that night.
Woman B: I found that having a threesome amplified the “Am I going to get murdered?” factor that comes with any app date. Something about a couple talking about how they have never done this before but are so excited to play with you (yikes) really ups the potential cartoon
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