Picking Up Girls In Japan

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Picking Up Girls In Japan
This Japan blog is run by Jasmine T. Blossom - a German who's been living in Japan for over 7 years. She has travelled to all 47 Japanese prefectures and over 100 Japanese castles , experienced natural disasters , cultural oddities and work life in Japan. She loves exploring things off the beaten path , so you'll find a lot of great travel inspiration here. In this blog Jasmine offers a close-up view of all the good and bad that comes with living and traveling in Japan.
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Ever wondered what dating is like in Japan?
Well, then this post is exactly what you’ve been looking for!
However, if you want to read about bragging stories of all those Western guys who get laid a hundred times per day, then you came to the wrong place.
There are tons of blog posts like that out there. You certainly won’t find that here – and not from a foreign girl like me!
Before we start talking about “ Dating in Japan ” one thing should be crystal clear:
If you’ve ever been to Japan you might have noticed that there’s a tremendous number of (often not so handsome) foreign guys walking hand-in-hand with Japanese women. And at the same time, there’s only a very tiny number of foreign (read: non-Asian) women with Japanese men next to them.
You might ask yourself why is that?
Maybe that’s a secret we’ll never quite get, but there are many theories !
A lot of Japanese women want a guy that tells them several times a day how much he loves them. For some reason (maybe through the consumption of too many Hollywood movies) Japanese women think that foreign men are like that! They’re not afraid of showing their feelings in public or telling their girls flat out how they feel about them.
Of course, having a foreign boyfriend is also “ cool ” and “ exotic “. Some just use those poor guys as cute little “ accessories “.
The extreme version of this is known as “ gaijin hunter ” and some will do everything for the sake of having one of those adorable “half”-kids (half Western, half Japanese) just to toss their foreign guy later on.
For foreign women, it’s a completely different story.
Japanese men seem to expect certain things from a woman. Things that they fear a foreign woman would not agree to do (e.g. stay-home moms, always pour new alcohol into his empty glass etc.).
Maybe they also think that a foreign woman might expect from their man that he’s telling his feelings straight out several times a day, something a shy Japanese man just won’t do.
Another problem is that many of the Japanese men seem to be afraid of their English ability and thus fail to approach a foreign woman.
Most foreign men on the other hand, have no issues approaching a Japanese woman in English – or even in broken Japanese.
These are just a few theories by friends, co-workers and myself. I’m sure you have your own and there’s much more behind all this.
As a result, dating in Japan is usually quite easy for men.
At least getting one woman after another into your bed, is really easy, even if you’re quite ugly!
For some reason, Japanese women seem to find even ugly foreign guys attractive …..
It might be a bit more difficult if you’re looking for a serious relationship as there are those women I mentioned earlier who either want you as “exotic accessory” or just want your DNA to create a cute “half-child”.
All in all, it is comparably easy for a Western foreign man to find a Japanese woman or to have a nice relationship here in Japan.
For some guys, it really gets to their heads and they start bragging about it like crazy. They suffer from the so-called superstar syndrome .
For (Western) foreign women in Japan it’s a completely different story.
Japanese guys are often too shy or even scared and the majority of Western men is only interested in Japanese / Asian women.
As a result it is extremely tough to find a date as a foreign woman here in Japan.
It is by far not impossible and I know quite a few girls who don’t only have a Japanese boyfriend , but are also married to a Japanese guy, but it is still the BIG exception!
Some of us will go through a hard time here in Japan.
You’ll start to feel completely unattractive and ignored at times.
Of course, you get a lot of attention and there’s all this staring , but it’s not because anybody is flirting with you … or at least you don’t know the difference anymore.
It might be a different story in bigger cities such as Tokyo and Osaka with a more international community, but in smaller cities and in the countryside with more traditional ideals it can be very difficult for foreign women.
I personally know a few couples where either the man or the woman is foreign and I noticed quite a lot of differences in the kind of relationship they have.
Please note that the following is based on my personal experience and that not everybody out there is like that.
In relationships where the man is foreign, I noticed that they mostly speak his native language . Although they live in Japan and sometimes even have children together who also speak Japanese, the foreign guys don’t / can’t speak Japanese.
I also experienced that they’re unable to do anything on their own. Just one example is a co-worker of mine. When I asked him how he obtained his cellphone or credit card, he said his wife did everything for him.
Consequently, a lot of foreign men in Japan don’t see the need to study Japanese , because their wives will take care of all the important things.
One big problem seems to be the fact that in Japan the man earns the money , but the woman takes care of it ! The man only gets a small allowance. He actually needs to ask his wife for permission if he wants to spend any of his own hard-earned money! Foreign guys often seem to struggle with this system.
Because of all that I’ve seen couples who got divorced, even when there were kids involved. I noticed that those kinds of relationships seem to work out better if they live in his home country and not in Japan.
For the opposite constellation, you’ll see that in most(!) cases the woman speaks Japanese . She has studied Japanese properly or puts in a lot of effort to improve her Japanese ability even if the Japanese man can speak her native tongue.
They know how to survive in Japan even without the help of their Japanese partner who is at work most of the time anyway.
The man seems to accept that she wants to keep working even after marriage . Most of the time those kinds of Japanese men who get into a relationship with a foreign woman are more open-minded and have some experience with foreign culture because they’ve lived or studied abroad for a while. And even those who haven’t, seem to accept that there are cultural differences. So, they don’t expect the same they would from a Japanese woman.
All the couples I know of have a relatively harmonic relationship. Of course, there are enough reasons for disputes, but all in all, they seem to manage better than couples where the man is foreign.
There’s so much more that could be said about this topic. I’d love to discuss it with you, so get involved in the comment section below.
I’m sure everyone has their own opinion and experience with this.
All I want you to keep in mind is that as a guy you should not let it get to your head because suddenly you get all this attention from beautiful women.
And as a foreign girl you should keep in mind that your time in Japan – at least in terms of romantic relationships – could be quite lonely at times.
If you still want to read more, here are some great books on “Dating in Japan”:
LOL. It’s true that it’s a shame that I was not interested in Japan when I was young and single, that would have be very fun I suspect. :-)
As you said, everyone has their own experience, and from a language perspective, I find it interesting that, while it is my case (we speak French at home, as we ended up moving here well before I knew anything about the Japanese language), every other bi-national couple that I know in town speak Japanese at home, regardless of who is the foreigner in the couple.
I guess it may come from the fact that most foreigners who end up living in Takamatsu are not your “usual foreigner in Japan.” (those live in Tokyo or Osaka, they don’t even know that’s in possible to live somewhere else in the country)
And it’s true that my wife takes care of many things I’d take care of if we were anywhere else (like buying a cell phone) and while I wish I could do it, it’s just easier that way. Concerning managing the budget, she does it, has always done it, and I don’t remember if I asked for it, but I’m pretty happy about that and this is not an issue at all. She can manage a budget, I suck at it, it makes sense that she do it.
A very interesting point. I think it certainly makes a difference where in Japan you live although I know couples who live in the countryside and “he” still can’t speak any Japanese.
Your case is without a doubt different from the cases I was talking about, but everyone has their own story and I love to read / hear about them.
I’m glad you have no problem with your wife taking care of the money! :)
Hello zoomingjapan, I assume you are a woman, as your article seems to show so.
I personally know plenty of women in healthy relatioship with Japnese nationals, as I know plenty of men as well that go against your stereotypes.
Not to say that your stereotypes don’t apply at all, ther eare certainly plenty examples that support your thesis.
I disagree where you say that you see ugly men having it easy, this is my personal opinion but if you were not good at dating in your homecountry you won’t be good at dating here either.
I happen to know many single western men as well that have no luck finding a date regardless of the country of origin.
When you say women feels less attractive, could it be this is more related to the average western dating culture instead? In my homecountry men are basically hitting on anything that breathes, often in a very sexist way, women are used to have plenty of men hitting on them until they chose a viable partner.
In Japan, Japanese men tend to take relationship more seriously (as the first step toward marriage), so they tend to not hit on any woman they see. In my opinion this can be a bug advantage to a western woman dating life: you can basically avoid dating less serious/less committed men.
I really like this blog about relationships :thumbup:
Maybe you can also write a blog about the differences in behaviour of Japanese and western men ?
For us women who are interested in dating a Japanese man, to avoid any troubles. Because as you wrote, it isn’t easy for a western woman to get a relationship with a Japanese man.
I believe that Japanese men are more polite and serious than western men, at least, the (Dutch) ones I dated :stressed:
Thank you very much. That’s a great idea and I’m working on it! I’ll definitely post about it soon! :D
Sorry to take the discussion to different direction, but…
One “part” of the problem with Japanese males have with starting to date foreign women is about the horizontal mambo in the bedroom. The universal trait is that guys are quite interested in that aspect of relationships.
Many of my male friends have told me (while quite drunk) that they feel they might not be suitable for foreign ladies due to their “Japanese size”. I guess it is a delicate matter even though people say that it doesn’t matter. So the Japanese guys go for the girls that they think are more “compatible” in that area.
That’s very interesting, but I wonder if that’s really true.
Like there are rumors that all Japanese guys are short, but they’re not. There are so many taller guys out there as well.
And I understand we’re not talking about height here, but if that’s a rumor maybe the other thing isn’t true either! ;)
But of course I can understand if guys are worried about it, although it’s a shame.
My work schedule to China/Japan was changed, with no chance for an inexpensive massage, so I arrived in MIA without having one in a while. I needed one pretty bad. I asked a bunch of people walking around…no one knew where to go…kept walking and saw a “Massage” sign across the parking lot of the closest grocery store….Finally!
On arrival found out all the women working there were Chinese. Once in the room, the lady told me to take off all my clothes…I’m OK with that, now that I’m not a kid. It is just a little unsettling now…not a MAJOR ORDEAL like it used to be. Her massage was really great….I do massage for family and friends, and when I got a massage that is crap, it is quite frustrating.
During the massage she told me she moved to NYC from China, and lived there a few years before moving to MIA. She told me she had a US boyfriend in NYC…and it was very nice. Out of the blue she said that the guys in the US were bigger than the Chinese guys. She said they weren’t longer, but were thicker (and then showed me with her hands, to emphasize the point!), and she really liked that feature about the US guys. It seemed to me she had done a lot of massages and seen a lot of Chinese and US guys.
Note: I read that a guy’s size has not much to do with their height, and nothing to do with their shoe size. What correlates is the length of their index fingers, relative to the size of their hands/bodies. So, guys with proportionally longer index fingers are longer…but as the Chinese lady said, she didn’t care how long they were…and I’ve never read anything about girth sizes or how you can tell how “Phat” someone is.
Based on what I have seen in Japan, and what I have read, I would recommend the ladies DEFINITELY take the initiative in Japan, whether it’s to ask a Japanese guy our, or a Gaijin (sp?) guy out. I know that I would MUCH rather date/marry an American girl who lives(ed) in HKG or NRT/NGO, rather than one who lives in Duck Creek, WI, and is clueless (the place actually exists!!!).
Interesting post, I admire your forwardness although I don’t agree with everything- maybe I’ve had a different experience. I’m in a serious relationship with a Japanese guy, but I’m the one who doesn’t speak much Japanese and I do appreciate his help to get things sorted (bank, phone) even though I’ve been doing this by myself for the past 3 years. We have a great relationship, and from what I’ve seen, foreign girls + Japanese male is a much better combo than foreign male + Japanese girl. You are so right! Here’s my take on my own blog, for foreign girls- let me know what you think!
http://vivianlostinseoul.blogspot.jp/2013/07/foreign-girls-dating-in-japan.html
OMG! I remember your blog from a few years ago. I used to read it a lot, but then just lost sight of it! ^___^
Thanks so much for sharing your view with us.
I’m still working on a post where I gather my readers’ experience (from those who are married to or together with a Japanese male).
Let me know if you’re interested in contributing as well! :D
Hi hi :) Yes I’d love to contribute, thanks!! Email me, my direct address is on my blog!
Awesome! Thank you! Sent you an e-mail! :D
Just from the aesthetics of it, Asian men and women age much better than us westerners. I know that there is so much more to a relationship than appearance, but at the the end of the day, you will be much happier looking at a person that is appealing. I think a lot of the Asian women with an older foreigner is based more on money than actual attraction. I mean seriously, with few exceptions where the western man is just crazy good looking, it’s not hard to figure out why she is there. I’m sure it happens on the flip-side where the Asian man has bank and that’s why she (western girl is there) but that would be the exception.
Blimey, you are a master of generalisation aren’t you!! You think men are more interested in the “horizontal mambo” than women?! think again. Also if you want to say sex, just say it, don’t use twee little euphemisms, this is 2014, we all know what sex is.
hmm it’s not like she said that she’s not generalizing and these are just her personal experiences…
Thinking back, I think you might be onto something with foreign women having an interest in language and culture and that being a requisite for a relationship with Japanese guys. Mind, most of my acquaintances and friends that got married to a Japanese party have studied Japanese studies, so there you go. But more women got married to Japanese men than men married to Japanese women, hmm…
I don’t really recall anyone ever trying to pick me up, although I do regularly receive compliments. Only “pick-up” I had was in Akihabara when an otaku asked me if I wanted to go to a love hotel in front of the Kotobukiya… ahem…
I’ve noticed that a few of my foreign friends do get a lot of attention from Japanese men though. Most of that is in the lewd category though, i.e. the nampa kind, out for a one night stand and not interested in a relationship.
I do have some Japanese men among my friends that I would consider as boyfriend material, but as I’ve been in a steady relationship since before I came to Japan, I can’t really comment on the mechanics :) They’re generally an educated and “open to the world” kind though and I got to know all of them through work, so there you go.
How did you react to the invitation of that otaku? *g*
What a brave otaku, though! ;)
I think it’s a very complicated topic – as you can see with all the diverse comments here, but I think we can all agree that usually we see much more couples on the street where there’s a Western guy and a Japanese woman and not vice versa – and there’s gotta be a reason for that.
Dating in any culture is interesting but then to thrown in cross-cultural dating with all the hidden agendas is a complicated load to deal with. What seems to be missing is a true connection and intimacy. But in the end, I’m a believer in fate and that the right person shows up at the right time. Just like the Asian story of when two people are born there’s a metaphoric red string that draws them closer together until they meet. So I guess the lesson is not to settle in life.
By the way, I enjoy reading your insightful postings. You’re a very good writer who throws in humor at just the right moments. At least I hope the humor is intentional.
I look forward to reading more!
Talking about relationships, no matter if cross-cultural or not, is always complicated as each is very unique and has its own story. I totally agree and I like the idea of the red string, although I personally don’t believe in it.
Thank you very much.
I often feel that my writing is not good because English is not my native language and I can’t express everything as elaborate as I want to.
So the mistakes are not intentional, but the humor is! ;)
Whoa, back up. You write a lot of thoughtful pieces, and don’t often repeat the well-worn myths about Japan, but saying
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