People Having Crazy Sex

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People Having Crazy Sex
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The 29 Best, Weirdest, Craziest, and Sexiest Movie Sex Scenes of All Time
These are the 29 big-screen scenes that forever changed the way we thought about getting our freak on
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A Tale of Two Swordsmen: Mickey Rourke vs. Michael Douglas
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There's a cutesy adage that says sex is like pizza: Even when it’s bad , it’s pretty good. That goes double for the best movie sex scenes. The “best” scenes aren’t necessarily the ones that give you an awkward theater boner. Sometimes they’re the scenes that make you lose your shit at the absurdity of badly faked humping. Sometimes they’re the ones that scar you for life. And sometimes they involve puppets. This, then, is a celebration of the rainbow panoply of crotch-smushing that has provided some of the most memorable cinema of the past half-century.
Barbarella’ is a time capsule launched into space—a gift to future generations of the images that defined the go-go ’60s and Young Jane Fonda. This is a movie in which a bad guy tries to kill a woman by pleasuring her to death in a giant pipe organ called the Excessive Machine (or “Orgasmotron,” originally). Spoiler alert: Jane breaks the machine.
Who's Coming? Jane Fonda What's Happening? Fonda's being tortured in the Excessive Machine. Really, just setting the bar for faking it that Meg Ryan would hurdle in When Harry Met Sally.
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Who's Coming? Kevin Kline What's Happening? Kline's dirtbag is going to spasmodic, over-the-top pound town on Jamie Lee Curtis.
Who's Coming? Sylvester Stallone What's Happening? Sly delivers a perfectly O-shaped pleasure-face in a future where no sexy touching is allowed.
Who's Coming? Tom Hanks What's Happening? While trying not to look at Robin Wright's boobs, our greatest living actor ejaculates helplessly into a towel.
Who's Coming? Joan Allen What's Happening? After her daughter fills her in on sex, Joan Allen comes—pause for 1950s voice—“in glorious Technicolor!”
Who's Coming? Maggie Gyllenhaal What's Happening? A lot of fucked-up stuff! Maggie Gyllenhaal has lots of orgasms. Also: Wears a saddle.
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The plenty infamous sex scene between Julie Christie and Donald Sutherland grew even infamous-er when a journalist claimed that he watched them actually bone on the set of Don't Look Now. “Making love on-camera is such hard work, there is no time for the libido to take over,” Christie has said. ( GQ lawyers: They didn't have sex!)
What was the one on the stairwell? A History of Violence! I saw it with my guy friend, and we were both like, “Oh man.” It was like, “So, you think that’s hot, huh? Interesting.” Ummm.… I’m almost scared to cite it because there’s probably something revealing about the fact that that’s the sex scene I picked. But why stop revealing myself now? — Chelsea Peretti
Maria Bello Explains: “Viggo [Mortensen] and I never thought about it as the Sex on the Stairs scene. It was, ‘Oh, my God, I’m in love with him and he’s in love with me, and I have no idea who he is anymore.’ There’s something about not knowing that drives desire. It was that fucking/fighting thing. There was no carpet on the stairs. We were bruised messes the next day.”
I went with my parents to see The Prince of Tides—Barbra Streisand and Nick Nolte go away for a weekend, and it’s just this long,
gauzy montage of them having sex in the woods and in this cabin in the country. I remember it like this: She’s cheating on her husband, and the idea is that they went to this cabin to have sex for a weekend, and she’s wearing her shirt basically the entire
time. They’re all over each other, and the romantic music is swelling. They’re supposed to be having this really intense sex, and Barbra Streisand barely takes her top off, even while Nolte’s completely naked. Well, he’s at least shirtless. You don’t see Nick Nolte’s dick in The Prince of Tides. Even then, as a teenager, I thought, Why is she wearing her shirt? I didn’t understand why this middleaged woman was having the best sex of her life wearing a long-sleeve shirt. Barbra’s Barbra, and she doesn’t have to show her nipples if she doesn’t want to. But this sex might as well have been happening at Ann Taylor. Maybe it was. —Billy Eichner
In porn, we shoot hard-core and soft-core, and when we’re shooting soft-core we don’t actually have sex—we’re just humping each other. One thing we get right that Hollywood gets wrong is the placement. Sometimes you’ll see a sex scene, and it’s like, there is no way his penis is in her vagina. There’s just no way! He’s in her belly button or something. It’s something to work on. The sex scene in Twilight was especially awful. I’m embarrassed to even admit I saw it.
Top this for movie trauma—I dare you. Picture 17-year-old me watching Last Tango in Paris, Bernardo Bertolucci’s once notorious farrago of tormented erotica: Maria Schneider dutifully sticking a finger up Marlon Brando’s ass; Brando considerately buttering Schneider’s fanny before sodomizing her; the works. On my left is my high school girlfriend, and as for the woman on my right, may I introduce…my mother? X rating or no X rating, good old Mom is always happy to get me into movies for art’s sake. My girlfriend? Don’t shoot me if I can’t help wondering how our next make-out session will go. (All that spares me is a budding snot’s aesthetic dissatisfaction: Last Tango always was a crock.) As we exit—and here I recognize how narrowly I’ve dodged a lifetime of shrink bills—my mom turns to me with a glowing smile: “Boy, would your dad have loved that movie.” —Tom Carson
I grew up in the '80s and '90s, and I can tell you that I spent most of my time during the '90s gratifying myself to things I saw in the '80s: Kelly Preston in Mischief, Phoebe Cates in Fast Times, and, of course, Rebecca De Mornay in Risky Business. All nude scenes designed specifically for boys seeing a nude scene for the first time. Which is why Tom Cruise stood in for all of us when Lana, the hooker, strolls in in her flimsy dress and heels, whispering, “Are you ready for me?”—Cruise walking up behind her and slowly picking up her dress and she's not wearing anything underneath and you can see EVERYTHING and her curves are unreal and the patio doors fly open and... Sorry, I've gotta run to the bathroom. —Drew Magary
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Steamiest Not-Sex Sex Mickey Rourke: 9 1/2 Weeks: So much erotic eating. Also: foreplay in drag. Michael Douglas: Romancing the Stone: Soft-focus insinuations with Kathleen Turner.
Rumored Real Sex Mickey Rourke: Wild Orchid : May have gotten freaky with Carré Otis in Rio. Michael Douglas: Basic Instinct : Maybe it was meta, like Sharon Stone's murders.
Abstinence-Inspiring Mickey Rourke: Angel Heart: Bonks Lisa Bonet while blood runs down the walls. Michael Douglas: Disclosure: Don't let your boss seduce you, even if she's Demi Moore.
Sleaziest Seduction Mickey Rourke: Diner Tough to fully grade Rourke without the popcorn dick maneuver. Michael Douglas: Solitary Man Even Old Douglas can talk a blonde ingenue into bed
This was a tough one. Because we all know the answer is really Michael Douglas. So the question becomes: Which was the most memorable, sexy-insane lady that Douglas lay opposite in The Douglas Decade (mid-'80s to mid-'90s)? Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction ? Demi Moore in Disclosure ? Or Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct ? It's not the interrogation scene that does it for Stone. That's not even sex. Rather, it's the ice-pick fucking sequences that tip the scales. When you stab someone while straddling them, they call it Basic Cowgirl. Ain't that right, Shooter?
I thought, All right, I’m gonna be really nervous because I’m essentially naked with maybe one of the most physically perfect human beings on the planet. Couldn’t I have done a nude scene with, I don’t know, John Goodman or Paul Giamatti? It’s gotta be this Nexus 6 Android of a human that I have to be next to? Our characters’ whole relationship up to that point was based on us talking and communicating and making jokes—it was the one scene where we had both been rubbed so raw, we’re both kind of out of words. There’s that fear—do we exist if we’re not talking to each other? Do we exist purely physically for each other? And that scene, it makes me cry—not like, what an amazing actor I am, but just thinking about these two characters. They really are that terrified of the world. Am I worth anything to someone if it’s just me and them together being quiet? That’s the depth of loneliness, as far as I’m concerned.
The thing about watching movie sex when you’re old enough to be obsessed in the abstract but too mortified to ask questions is that you’re looking for clues not only to how it’s done but to how to do it well. Which is why I found Porky ’s so confusing. Take the scene in which young Kim Cattrall, a.k.a. “Lassie,” goes “all the way” with a gym teacher and unleashes an ungodly series of howls (hence the canine nickname). The relentless baying seemed involuntary, and I wondered if this was based on some weird but real physiological condition. After all, at that age, I still thought the only penetrative sex you could have was anal, as that’s what I’d been told. Witness and 9½ Weeks followed shortly thereafter, which is why I’m still a virgin. —Mary H.K. Choi
The sweet thing about so many on-screen threesomes is that they proceed from a place of generosity. Of helpfulness. Of love. One person is alone in the corner of the party (in the case of The Dreamers, that party is pre–May ’68 Paris), and the paired-off couple (in the case of The Dreamers, that couple is a sister and a brother) invite the stranger into their conversation, then their apartment, and ultimately their bed. Everybody loves everybody, and for, like, 16 awesome minutes of the characters’ lives, they feel like they’ve unlocked some great, ancient, enlightened secret to the universe. Then everybody goes fucking nuts with jealousy. It’s a pretty nifty plot trick, with 50 percent more skin.
I’ve never been comfortable with sex scenes in movies. My theory: If I want to watch a sex scene in a movie, I’ll watch a porno. That’s why my favorite sex scene is in Team America: World Police —it’s super funny. The unrated version is especially hysterical. For me, it says exactly what my feelings about sex are: It’s supposed to be one of those sexy ’80s sex scenes—but it’s puppets.
The music is all sax-y. It starts the way those do, with one essentially ripping off the other’s clothes, and then it goes right into the most graphic sort of unbecoming pounding. Hilarious. —Paul Feig
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AVATAR (2009) Copulating species: Na’vi
WTF: So, after Jake Sully gets into a big blue alien body, he and the alien hottie have a threesome with a magic tree, plugging their electric dreadlocks together to seal the deal.
THE LAST UNICORN (1982) Copulating species: Amorous lady boob-tree WTF: We’re gonna call it “sex” when this awful sexual grandma tree smothers Schmendrick the Magician with her tittayz.
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THE RETURN OF SWAMP THING (1989) Copulating species: A thing from a swamp
WTF: Heather Locklear: “Is there a Mrs. Swamp Thing?” Swamp Thing: “No, I’m a bachelor.” NO, YOU’RE TALKING KELP WITH A PENIS.
BIG (1988) Copulating species: Tom Hanks WTF: Josh is a 12-yearold who got put in a grown man’s body by a magic arcade game,
meaning Elizabeth Perkins HAS SEX WITH A LITTLE BOY.
SPECIES (1995) Copulating species: Sexy lady alien
WTF: This is probably the horniest creature in the universe. The main obstacle to Happily Ever After is that she also wants to devour you and eliminate weak men.
HOWARD THE DUCK (1986) Copulating species: Horrible huge wisecracking duck from space WTF: He and Lea Thompson only make out (which is gross enough), but it’s implied that he gets a corkscrew duck boner.
Girls: Seems to break TV taboos for fun—like Desi knocking at Marnie’s back door.
Masters of Sex: Watch people watch other people watch other other people doing it for science.
Outlander: World War II nurse magically winds up in 18thcentury Scotland, then sexually educates ginger Highlander virgin.
Game of Thrones: A show that was all “tits and dragons” at first now has more than eve
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SWEDISH woman Danielle Ditzian describes herself as “crazy”, but the Nude Hotel in Mexico caught even her off guard.
“IT’S just like National Geographic!” said the 20-something-year-old Swedish girl to my left. We sat there in awe on the balcony of Nude Hotel, all casually naked, yet surprised at what we were seeing.
Zipolite is a small, little-known town on the Pacific coast of Mexico. It not only boasts being the only legal nude beach in Mexico, but is often likened to a town stuck in the 1960s. With the entire beach being clothing optional, it is unlike anywhere else I have ever had the pleasure of visiting.
Still, seeing live porn was far more than I had witnessed in a town that usually only had people wandering casually around naked along the beach. This was an intense moment, even for my liberal self.
Earlier that day I had been swimming naked when I’d met James, a nudist in his 50s who was staying at Nude Hotel. While the whole beach at Zipolite is clothing optional, most hotels require clothing — unless of course you’re staying at Nude Hotel, where pretty much anything goes.
James and I hit it off right away, so he invited me and my friend to hang out with them and a Swedish couple in their mid-twenties for their last evening in their beautiful room overlooking the ocean at Nude.
We excitedly accepted, having no idea what was in store for us that night.
And so we went silent, and I wondered how comfortable the others were. I’m by no means a prude, but these people were having sex right there in front of us all. The quiet that overcame the group was mildly unsettling, though I tried to tell myself that this was something completely natural, albeit not an everyday sight.
The evening continued casually, as the couple finished and we continued to drink the night away sitting completely naked in a circle on the beautiful balcony.
While Nude Hotel can be quite pricey, they allow you to use their pool and facilities as long as you buy a drink or a meal — delicious and reasonably priced to be able to hang out in such a unique place.
I returned several days later to find a man taking luxurious photos of his wife on one of the beautiful beds overlooking the ocean. As if it was nothing, he held his camera and showed excitement — to put it lightly — at taking these photos. Yet there was no embarrassment or shame; no one cared that he was excited, as this was a place where everyone was free to be exactly who they wanted to be without judgment.
One of the most unique things about Zipolite is that it isn’t a purely nude beach, but instead clothing optional. This allows each person to act in a way that is most comfortable to them. A miracle occurs daily in Zipolite, as people from all walks of life and age ranges connect on a real and deep level — a level rarely found in real life, and that must be cherished and appreciated when it happens to be found.
While Nude itself is a bit pricey for my fellow Millennials to stay in, many hang out there to enjoy swimming naked in the pool, or chilling sipping a piña colada topless.
The beach is completely unique to other nude beaches. Many have assumed when I’ve mentioned Zipolite — my favourite place on planet earth — that it would be solely a bunch of old people wandering around naked.
This could not be further from the truth. People of all ages roam free, letting it all out or staying clothed, yet accepting each other no matter what.
In recent years, more and more young people have been visiting Zipolite. People who I at first assume would never let it all hang out quickly drop their pants and hop in the water, as if it was nothing. It shouldn’t be anything strange, as it is only the human body. Stil
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