Penis Cult
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Penis Cult
By
Wednesday Lee Friday ,
March 1st 2016
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While it could certainly be argued that lady-parts have been religiously charged for longer, the mighty phallus has always had an ample share of admirers. The oldest known stone representation of a penis devotional is the Hohle phallus. It’s believed to be 28,000 years old. Despite its advanced age, it’s still totally hard and ready to … do whatever siltstone penises are meant to do. Clearly, this find represents the dawn of penis worship.
Greek god Dionysus is well known as the god of wine and theater. He is also the god of ritual madness, fertility, and erotic ecstasy. A traditional festival of Dionysus featured drunkenness, dancing, live theatrical performances, and sex … lots and lots of varied, raucous, intense, and very public sex. With that in mind, it’s not surprising that Dionysus’s son by Aphrodite was even more phallus-focused than his father.
The son in question, the hilariously named Priapus, was cursed by the gods and cast out of Mount Olympus. He was raised by humans and believed for years that he was human. His sizable member and permanent erection made him a sought-after mate and a pioneer in inspiring penis worship. Even after Christianity came on the scene and declared sex and drunkenness to be inappropriate in a religious setting, monuments to Priapus remained erect. (No word on whether he called a doctor every four hours as the erection-pill commercials suggest.)
In 1980, St. Priapus Church was founded and houses a congregation of presumably devout gay men. Located in scenic Montreal, this Temple of Priapus proselytizes that members should spend at least four hours of quality time with their penis each day. Masturbation, or helping a friend achieve orgasm, is their most pious act. The temple is also the subject of a documentary detailing their holy wanking and more modern style of penis worship.
Shiva, consort of Kali and god of destruction, also sports an impressive member. Commonly referred to as Linga, or Lingus, Shiva’s holy dong is worshiped by, and I am not kidding, getting it wet with water and then stroking it while meditating. Egyptians were also into the exaltation of the wang. Their fertility god, named Min, and was commonly depicted holding his erect penis in his left hand while waving to the people with his right. As Egyptian pharaohs were considered living gods, they were not averse to penile exhibitionism or even masturbating in public.
In Japan, penis worship has been a thing for as long as people have been writing such things down. The Mara Kannon Shrine is believed to be 450 years old and is one of the few remaining statues honoring the blessed phallus. This shrine is still a hot spot today, hosting an annual penis festival replete with schlong-themed candy, hats, fake noses, and all the puns you could possibly stand. On the serious side of things, the Mara Kannon is also a place where prostitutes go to pray for safety and a year free from sexually transmitted disease. Thy will be done, Holy Penis.
Public displays of giant wangs persist into the present day. In Norway a man was spotted roaming the local beaches in a giant penis costume . Is he looking to be worshiped? Maybe. His penchant for spraying unsuspecting people with glitter is more likely to inspire a sacred ass-kicking. Phillip claims to be raising awareness on sexually transmitted disease. Does anybody really need a reason to run around Norway in a giant penis costume? Surely shooting glittery love-juice on random beachgoers is its own reward.
In the United States, our penis-reverence is far more subdued. Despite its painful looking corners, many argue that the Washington Monument represents the most patriotic of phalluses. I’ll believe that when someone slips a giant condom on it. Oh wait, someone actually did that in 2011. Really, there’s video .
No article on penis worship is complete without mentioning the Ypsilanti water tower in Ypsilanti, Michigan, which has won accolades for being the most phallic structure ever. I can only presume they mean the most accidentally phallic structure. I have to wonder what designer William R. Coats would say about his creation being commonly referred to as “that penis water tower” and “the brick dick.” Here’s hoping he had a strong sense of humor.
Penis worship is not as common as it once was, but you can surely find it if you look long and hard enough. And it definitely has a long, impressive history.
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Some articles demand a profound introduction. Others ... not so much. If we were a different website we might use this space to talk about how America is the biggest penis-worshiping-religion of them all. But we're not that website (in case yesterday's bowl of penises didn't tip you off). We assure you, this is no metaphor. You will find no pop psychology or vaguely phallic imagery in this article. These are religions that worship human penises. Learn from them.
The Lingam is the symbol of a very special part of the Hindu god Shiva's body. (Hint: It's his cock.) Within the trinity of Hinduism, Shiva is the god of destruction and change. How much of that destruction is wrought with his four arms and how much comes from his manhood? We leave that to the reader to decide.
In Hindu mythology, when Shiva is killed, the goddess Kali squats over his body, rips out and eats his organs, and then mounts his still erect manrod to complete the cycle of creation. It's also worth noting that in most Hindu art and temples, his "linga" is usually depicted without the rest of him, the disembodied member being worshiped all by itself:
The object in the foreground is a "yoni" (literally: vagina) and they are most often shown together, in full penetration:
Huge. Out of a billion or so Hindus in the world, about 100 million belong to various sects that focus on Shiva, Kali and the giant Lingam.
Worshiping the linga is pretty straightforward. First, you have to make it wet, either by pouring water or milk over it. Then just say your prayers and meditate. Smaller, pocket-sized lingas should be held in the hand and rubbed while meditating, and you're well on your way to a religious experience.
According to legend, about 450 years ago two local politicians in Tawarayama had such a hate-on for each other that eventually the feud came to death threats. In order to protect his family, a Mr. Oji disguised his son as a girl and hid him in the local shrine. Eventually the other guy, Mr. Sue, found the boy, cut off his head, and to prove his identity (a head isn't enough?) also severed the boy's penis.
Hearing about the killing, the locals immediately took to making wood and ceramic phalluses, to replace the boy's missing member (at this point, you have to wonder if the boy would have benefited more from a prosthetic head, but back to the story). Discovering the joy of making cocks, the locals just never stopped, eventually getting into a cock arms race with each other. Today, the woods surrounding the shrine are forested with as many stone boners as trees, all pointing gloriously up to the heavens above.
Quite respectable, thank you very much. The shrine sees thousands of visitors each year. Mostly tourists, they come from nearly every country to see the forest o' phalli, some of which stand five feet tall. The shrine is a popular destination for men suffering from erectile problems, and is even more popular with their wives.
In addition to the usual Shinto ceremony of bowing and praying, worshipers can buy smaller--and by smaller we mean life-sized--ceramic dongs to place in the shrine as an offering. After many years and thousands of visitors, the shrine is currently overflowing with them. Also, for best results, be sure to write your prayers and wishes on your cock.
Now, see if you can guess which country made our list twice.
Most historians agree that fertility and phallus worship existed in prehistoric central and Eastern Asia, influencing the pre-Buddhist and pre-Shinto religions of the area. The Hounen Fertility Festival has been going for so long in Komaki that no one really remembers why they do it. But boy do they do it.
Try 9-feet-long and 620 pounds, baby.
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Get there early every March 15. The main event starts at 2PM, but they start giving away free booze at 10AM. That's right, they start tapping barrels full of sake even before lunch. Then at 2PM, the crowd staggers to the Shinmei Shrine where the mega dong is kept.
Shinto preists then give blessings to the wavering crowd, mount the thing on their shoulders, and everyone starts down the street. When they reach the Tagata Jinja shrine, they spin the giant cock around in circles over their heads, threatening all around with 360 degrees of mega penetration. At about 4PM they place the cock in its new home, and pray for a fruitful year. And while you're at the Tagata Jinja Shrine, don't forget to rub the sacred balls for good luck:
Min was an ancient Egyptian god of fertility. In Egyptian art and statues, Min is always shown holding his cock with his left hand and a threshing flail in his raised right hand. A flail, in case you're wondering, is a kind of whip used to separate grain, or judging from the erection, to beat the shit out of some particularly adventurous woman who's been naughty and needs to be punished.
Min rose to prominence during the Middle Kingdom era, about 2050 BC, and by the New Kingdom era (1550 BC) he was the central figure in the Coronation Ceremony of every new Pharaoh. This involved a ritual in which the new Pharaoh would prove that he could ejaculate, and Min was there to make sure the King wasn't shooting blanks. We're not sure what the punishment was if the King couldn't fire one off, and we don't want to know.
You know, some things are more important than size. Centuries ago Egypt converted to Islam, with a few Christians and Jews thrown in, so no one really follows Min's cock anymore. But at one time Min was a principal deity of the entire Egyptian empire, with hundreds of thousands worshiping him. Today the modern city of Akhmim is built over the ruins of Min's temple, where excavation only just started in 1991, but ancient sources suggest that statues of him could be 55 feet tall or more, giving the old boy about eight feet of god rod.
At Min's temple, worshipers would rub the leaves of the Egyptian lettuce plant ( Lactuca serriola ), some varieties of which are tall, straight and round, and which would emit a milky white sap.
The sap contained a chemical called lactucarium, which in large doses has an effect on the body similar to cocaine. At the harvest festival each year, naked, geeked-out Egyptians would play various games, the most important of which was climbing a giant pole, with special prizes for anyone who reached the top. We'd have thought the award would go to the person who could climb up and down the poll over and over again in a rhythmic motion, but we didn't write the rules.
Above is Drukpa Kunley, a 16th century Buddhist Monk who lived in what is now the country of Bhutan, or as he was more commonly known, The Divine Madman. Kunley spent his entire life, after becoming a monk in his late teens, traveling the countryside dispensing his wisdom and enlightenment to as many young ladies as he could get his hands on.
So where's the penis in all this? Well, he promised each of them a path to Nirvana through the use of his "Flaming Thunderbolt." In case you're still confused, here's a picture of it:
Kunley eventually earned such fame that women sought him out, or at least were very willing when he showed up. And in exchange for his spiritual illumination, all of the women were required to pay him in beer.
In between, and during, his deflowering sessions, Kunley would give advice on spiritual peace, how to balance one's karma, and how to attain Buddahood. Kunley preached that sexual ecstasy and drunkenness were the best ways to transcend the illusion of the material world and become one with oneself.
"The best wine lies at the bottom of the pail/And Happiness lies below the navel." A few inches below.
After riding nearly every wife, sister and daughter in the land, Kunley eventually rode into Buddhist mythology itself. He is said to do battle with all sorts of demons and evil spirits, most of them female. In one Bhutanese legend, he defeats a demoness by beating her in the face with his penis, and then gags her with it. After she is defeated, he transforms her into a good spirit "through divine sexual play."
It's not the size, it's how you use it. Over 80 percent of Bhutan's 700,000 people are Buddhist, and nearly all of them use images of the Flaming Thunderbolt as a good luck symbol. Images of it are everywhere, most notably painted on the outside of homes and buildings to ward off bad spirits and 'the evil eye.'
The best place to become one with your inner Flaming Thunderbolt is at Kunley's Chimi Lhakhang monastery, about a three-hour drive from the capital of Thimphu. There, Monks use a large wooden phallus, carved by Kunley himself, to hit devotees over the head and bless them with it's healing powers.
How this did not become the dominant religion on Earth is impossible to understand.
You can find more of Jeff's writing at Pen.iscentral.net .
If you liked that, you'll probably enjoy reading about a religion that has a less open relationship to penises in our rundown of 9 Islamic Fatwas We Can Get Behind . Or, if you like dick jokes in talking picture form, enjoy our award winning documentary about The Terrible Secret Behind the World's Greatest Card Trick . And be sure to get a first look at Oliver Stone's upcoming George W. Bush biopic.
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"A hundred thousand revelers come here to celebrate one thing: the male organ."
Every year on the first Sunday of April in Kawasaki, Japan, one might cross paths with a peculiar sight — a succession of enormous erect penises parading down the street under the strength of men in traditional female garb.
This year, photographer B.A. Van Sise was in attendance of the annual Festival of the Steel Phallus , a regional tradition dating back to the 17th century that today serves as a platform for the benefit of HIV research. Here, Van Sise shares his experience and some of the history behind what is perhaps the most phallic festival in the world.
Early April in Kawasaki, Japan, is set aside for the Kanamara Matsuri, or the festival of the steel phallus, in which a hundred thousand revelers come here to celebrate one thing: the male organ. Home to the Kanayama Jinja Shrine, Kawasaki, southwest of Tokyo, has been closely tied to the male anatomy for centuries, due to a persistent local legend, so its famed Shinto shrine to the relic of a steel phallus was, well, erected.
Legend holds that a jealous, red-faced, sharped-tooth demon hid in the vagina of a goddess and then bit off, to their great surprise, the penises of her first two husbands. History forgets to mention why she failed to warn the second guy.
Finally a third, more determined suitor, a blacksmith, created an iron phallus that broke the demon's teeth; the man won over the beautiful woman while the demon presumably returned back to the ether to receive quite the lecture from his orthodontist.
The shrine is humble but has stood the test of time. Made of old stone and boasting a small but pretty network of traditional orange torii gates, it was built in roughly 698 CE — but is now more famously home to the festival — in prim and proper Japan, an unusual but charming celebration of the sacred and the profane.
While beautifully frocked Shinto priests in the shrine celebrate the thousands-year-old god, long worshiped by prostitutes fearing disease and pilgrims worried for their fertility, a different sort of celebration is going on outside, as tens, if not hundreds of thousands of partiers take to the streets.
Revelers carry penis lollipops (funny to look at, but not particularly tasty), phallic vegetables, and enough whimsical toys to stock a year's worth of Las Vegas bachelorette parties. They enjoy them all while snapping not-quite-ready-for-Instagram selfies and watching a parade of all of Kawasaki's manliest men, struggling to carry a bunch of giant junk through the street.
Local families and businesses work for months to make the enormous genitals carried on the shoulders of teams of men through Kawasaki's tight streets. Three, in total, are carried around town; two are of metal and one, true to Japan's contemporary anime-loving culture, is of the cheery, bubblegum-hued cartoon variety, and lofted by 18 fellows wearing glitter and fantastic makeup.
For the prudish, it might be hard to see, but it does have its benefits: These days, sales from the festival — penis clothing, candy, food, toys — rake in gobs of money every year, put duly to work toward HIV research.
This year marks a half century for the festival in its modern form. Visitors wanting to see it themselves, and unafraid to face the throbbing masses, can make it to Kawasaki from Tokyo in an easy day trip on the first Sunday of April, any year, and see for themselves the giant phalluses of Kawasaki — and the many men who get them up.
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B.A. Van Sise is a New York-based portrait and features photographer.
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