Penis Awe

Penis Awe

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By
Mélanie Berliet ,
April 3rd 2015

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1. “Everyone’s always sobbing over the fact that dudes who watch too much porn develop a warped outlook on sex and how women should behave in bed and whatnot. But no one’s worried about the expectations women have about penis size from watching dirty videos featuring 10-inch dicks—and they probably should be. The first time I reached into my ninth grade boyfriend’s pants to give him a handjob, I was shocked by what wasn’t there. I even looked down to check that he was actually erect. He was.”
2. “My super bohemian parents have always insisted on walking around our house naked. So the first penis I was exposed to was my dad’s. Usually I’d see it when it was flaccid. But one day I walked into my parents’ bedroom when I was about five, and when my dad got up to go to the bathroom, I saw this thing protruding straight out from between his legs. He had a raging boner, but I had no idea about the whole morning wood thing yet. So I screamed, ‘Daddy, there’s a snake eating your penis!’ Haven’t been able to live that one down.”
3. “I didn’t perform oral sex on a guy until I was in college, at which point I was embarrassed because I couldn’t participate in conversations about dicks with my girlfriends. So I got wasted one night, determined to give head for the first time. It wasn’t all that (excuse the pun) hard to find a willing partner. But the guy I ended up in bed with had what I now know by comparison to be a giant penis. Twenty seconds into my attempt to deep throat, I vomited all over him. It was so traumatizing, I waited another year before trying again.”
4. “I was one of those girls who was ahead of her time, sexually. I developed early, and I had urges, you know. Raging teenage hormones! After I gave my first handy at 11, I became fascinated by penises. I thought they were so cool, the way grew and pulsated and responded to my touch. I wanted to see as many as I could as quickly as possible. As you can imagine, I was very popular for a while.”
5. “For a long time, I was shy about boys and sex. In high school, I promised my boyfriend of six months that if he officially asked me to prom, we could move on from dry humping to some more exciting stuff. I was terrified of the images of penises I’d seen from Googling, but I figured I’d have to take the leap at some point. Unfortunately, when my boyfriend unzipped his pants and whipped it out for the first time, all my fears were confirmed. I actually covered my eyes and started crying because I wanted nothing to do with that rocket ship shaped thing, but I’d promised him I’d put my mouth on it for at least 30 seconds. He was a nice guy and didn’t make me go through with it. We’re Facebook friends to this day.”
6. “When I was a teen, I was pretty embarrassed about my vagina. I mean, they don’t really give young girls any education in the what-your-vagina-might-look like department. Now I know there’s a spectrum of possibilities, but back then I just assumed mine was weird. Well, the first time I got naked with a boy, at 16, I did what anyone who was utterly relieved they weren’t the only one with funny looking genitalia would do: I laughed out loud. Then I watched, with fascination, as his erection died. Whoops.”
7. “I was so eager to go down on a guy for the first time—you know, it was just time to cross that sexual to-do off the list. So I approached the quarterback of the football team at the Winter Wonderland dance and whispered in his ear that I wanted to give him head. Obviously, he consented. I pulled his pants down in the backseat of his Jeep Cherokee and watched him lean back and smile as I did my thing (I’d watched a few Jenna Jameson videos online for tips). I was no expert, but I quickly realized that that didn’t really matter. I could tickle it with my tongue and use my hands and I loved feeling like I had so much power over a guy that way.”
8. “Penises are weird. I’ve felt that way since the day I saw my first boyfriend naked, and I maintain that stance. It’s not the sausage part that bothers me as much as the nuts. Nuts? Why do we even call them that? They’re more like nuts encased in gelatinous sacs of wrinkly, bumpy flesh lined with prickly pubic hair. I’d die happy if I never touched another pair of balls again. Too bad I’m not a lesbian, I guess.”
9. “For years, I never really appreciated the naked male body. I was simultaneously mystified and borderline repulsed by it. But when my current boyfriend first stripped for me in his dorm room and stood there, all vulnerable with his junk hanging out, I didn’t just fall in love with him—I fell for his penis. I seriously think it’s the most beautiful thing. I like seeing it and feeling it in all of its various shapes and sizes. So I’d encourage any girl who’s feels at all put off by cocks to hold on tight, because they’re bound to change their mind as soon as they meet the right guy.”
10. “No matter how many tidbits you hear from your sexually experienced girlfriends, nothing prepares you for the first time you get up close and personal with a man’s package. I threw a party in the basement of my parents’ house while they were away one weekend and when it was my turn to get locked in a closet for ‘seven minutes in heaven,’ I was literally shaking with nerves. I remember feeling poked when he approached. His dick was so hard and terrifying unfamiliar. I just wasn’t quite ready yet. Luckily, he was so distracted feeling me up that we didn’t even get past second based before someone knocked on the door.”
11. “I have a theory that girls who say penises are ugly are afraid of coming across as overly sexual or slutty or something. I loved penises since I first became acquainted with them IRL, around age 13. I like ‘em circumcised, uncircumcised, big, average, pink, or brown. I mean, is there another human body part that defies gravity? I can understand why a penis might look weird to a girl at first, but all body parts are pretty weird if you isolate them for long enough. Stare at your foot for five minutes and then tell me dicks are anything but awesome.”
12. “Okay, so when I saw my first penis, I made a little mistake. I was dating someone semi-seriously and one thing led to another and we started fooling around in my bedroom, where we were supposed to be studying. Since the lights were still on I had a really good look when it made its debut and I just sat there, gawking, paralyzed in awe. It’s startling to be confronted by a brand new body part. So the guy said “Everything okay?” and I said, “Yes! It’s just so cute!” Cute. I called a man’s penis cute. The look of absolute terror on the guy’s face taught me never to do that again.”
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When it comes to sex, there are certain things you can never be prepared for. Like, the first time a man unpacks the goods and you see something you really weren’t prepared for down there. Are his balls the size of grapefruits or is his penis just really tiny? Every penis is unique, but some are more unique than others. It’s important, no matter what he’s packing, to keep a poker face and not reveal your glee that you seem to have stumbled upon the world’s most perfect cockpiece or disappointment at the fact that his dick is about as thin as a pencil. We don’t want you to get caught with your pants down. Well, we do, but we just want you to be prepared when he takes his pants down. Be forewarned, if you’re single for long enough, you’re likely to meet the following penises…
1. The shape-shifter. This penis might illicit major confusion in the getting-to-know stage. You’ll feel it hard and think, OK. Cool. We’re not dealing with a micropeen situation, and then you’ll see the thing flaccid and you’ll be like, Oh wait, maybe we are. As many of us know, some guys are growers and some guys are showers, this guy is on the extreme end of grower spectrum, which is an incredible phenomenon, but ultimately, no big deal unless he has trouble getting or staying hard.
2. The crooked and/or leaning dick. When you first see this Leaning Tower of Penis, you may find yourself cocking (heh) your head in the same direction, unsure of how things are going to work. And thankfully things will work, just fine too, but certain angles will feel better than others. Sex with a crooked or leaning dick sometimes feels a little unbalanced, like when you’re holding too many heavy bags of groceries in one hand. But it can also be great, as you discover angles and positions that allow his crooked member to hit spots other dicks could only dream of reaching. Yes, a crooked dick is a dick worth getting to know before you judge.
3. The unmemorable penis. What is there to say about this guy? We wish we could tell you, but we don’t remember any details.
4. The penis will bring you to tears. At least once in your life, you’re bound to shed tears when a man drops trou . Hopefully, it will be because you found the Goldilocks of perfect dicks, but more likely, it will be because his penis is the size of a bicycle pump and the thought of putting THAT in your vagina is a horror you were never told to prepare for. Tell him you have some “emotional problems” going on and give yourself some time to work up the chutzpah to try to get that thing in there. Or just listen to your cervix and give up the dream.
5. The practically perfect in every way. Of course, the perfect prick is subjective depending on your taste, but you’ll know it when you see it because ever fiber in your loins will quiver. This penis, in all its glory, will make you do all sorts of crazy things just to get one more minute with it. This will be particularly problematic considering the owner of this Holy Cock will know the value of what he’s packing and that will ensure that he’s a total prick. Life’s unfair like that.
6. The number 2. At first, you’ll think you accidentally left your Number 2 pencil in bed, but then you’ll peel back the comforter and realize that it’s just some man’s too-slim-to-be-true penis. You’ll have to mask your disappointment because the pencil peen is the least exciting to a vagina — even when it’s rock hard. At best, the vibe will be hotdog-like, at worst, like a tiny, bullet vibrator that doesn’t vibrate. The good news: he’ll be very eager to make up for his string bean in other areas.
7. The sensitive penis. This guy is just so moody. A glimpse of you in your birthday suit makes him instantly chubby and rarin’ to go. But his sensitive temperament also causes him to go soft or blow his load with little to no warning. Your best shot at taming this high maintenance beast is by getting to know its moods and being aware of which buttons to push and which ones to avoid.
8. The penis wearing a hoodie. If you’re in any other country but America, seeing the uncircumcised dick on this list is probably inspiring a bit of a DUH moment. The Hoodied Penis abounds outside the U.S. and is rapidly gaining favor within our own 50 states as more and more parents over the last decade-plus have embraced their babies’ foreskins. In short, so should you. Sure, an uncut dick looks a little funny and wrinkly and freshy upon first meeting, but after some foreplay, he stands proud as his turtleneck rolls down. Best of all, that extra skin creates more friction, which feels better for you. Viva la hoodie!
9. The short, fat slut. If Annie from “Overboard” had a penile representation, this would be it. You kind of want to tell this penis to stand up straight, suck in its gut and go on a juice cleanse. But alas, short and stubby he’ll stay. At least this stocky penis will be easier to feel than the pencil-thin one that made less of an impression than your “lite-days” tampon. If your partner, or even you, are not satisfied whit his penis size, suggest him to visit drelist.com . At least one of you will be happy. 🙂
Original by: Ami Angelowicz & Amelia McDonell-Parry
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TheFrisky.com is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. Amazon, the Amazon logo, AmazonSupply, and the AmazonSupply logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates.

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