Pearl Thongs Erotic Show

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Fionna Guillaume: erotica for sophisticated readers
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Those of you who are my avid blog readers know that my husband and I did something fun for Christmas: a sexy advent calendar. Needless to say, it made the December countdown much hotter! Among the goodies to be found in those little numbered boxes was a pearl thong. There are many variations of … Continue reading →
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If oysters only knew where their precious cargo was going.
Remember that scene in Sex and the City when Richard gives Samantha a pearl thong right before they go to Atlantic City and Carrie has that really bad haircut?
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It is not a coincidence that Samantha breaks up with him in this same episode. OK, it's for a bunch of different reasons, but I have a hunch that all those reasons were exacerbated by having a WASPy jewelry item stuck up her crack. How do I know? Because I stuck one up my own crack. MTV's True Life: I Wore a Pearl Thong Because My Boss Thought It Would Be Funny.
Bracli Boutique touts itself as the home of "The Original Pearl Thong." I almost expected that to be followed by "est. 1886," with some brief exposition about the hard-working colonial pearl thong maker Jebediah Bracli, who passed on the craft to apprentices before eventually succumbing to diphtheria. Who knows how far back the tradition of the pearl thong goes?
It was up to me to keep the legacy alive.
You are probably thinking, Thongs are more comfortable than you'd think they are! Maybe this is too! You are wrong. The common misconception about pearl thongs is that, like a normal thong, the pearls are only on the buttcrack side. Not so. They are actually all the way around, in a full U-shape, with only a lace band that resembles a normal thong. I found this out when I tried it on, right before the person I am dating came over, just to make sure that it fit. It fit as much as one of those things can fit, by which I mean, it was horribly uncomfortable. That's me in the pearl thong, at the top. I'm a ghost, did I mention that?
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Most women would keep the contextual, non-sexy assignment element of this pearl thong thing to themselves and simply give a guy they are dating a Sexy Surprise. I am not most women.
"FINE, I HAVE TO WEAR PEARLS IN MY BUTTCRACK FOR WORK."
I showed him the box. He was remarkably unfazed.
"But it goes all the way around, you see, like..." I had taken it off, so I picked it up from where I'd thrown it on the bed and showed him.
"So you just have pearls in your vagina?" He made a face, which is exactly the reaction I was looking for. Suffice it to say, after he made the face, I didn't really feel like I wanted to put it on after that, especially since we haven't been seeing each other that long and it was pretty clear he was already somewhat weirded out. Besides, it's not like it would have stayed on that long, anyway.
I think the idea is that when pearls rub against certain areas of your vagina, it's stimulating just to walk around (see: Sex and the City). At the risk of overwhelming you with information, I just sort of started feeling chafed and sensitive after about an hour of walking around and picking up cat food and Glade plug-ins and generally running errands around my hood. Also, going grocery shopping is really not conducive to arousal. Mostly people around me were just looking at me weird because I was grimacing and shifting around while trying to choose my Kashi.
Look: If you stood still, it was OK. Moving wasn't great. Sitting down was the worst. This is hard to describe without being gross, but ... certain anatomical elements of the vagina sort of had to be pushed to one side of the pearls in order for this to be aesthetically correct. My uniform of super-skinny toothpick J.Crew jeans didn't help any. Maybe it would have been a little easier if I'd been wearing a teddy made of gossamer angel wings, or whatever, but sometimes a bitch needs to put pants on and go get batteries, you know what I'm saying?
Note: You are obviously not supposed to run an afternoon of errands in a pearl thong, so that was my fault, not theirs.
At the end of the day, as your crash test dummy on this very important issue, I have determined that, very much like the Great Gyro/Q Train/Public Masturbation Experiment of 2013, the pearl thong is better in theory than it is in practice. You're welcome.
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